BPD

Maybe labels are bad?

I'm already having trouble trying to further validate or throw away the diagnosis. Accuracy is so important and, with such a stigmatized disorder, I really want to make sure it fits before really embracing it. People keep saying that "everyone experiences BPD differently" (there's even a clinically-respected "Quiet BPD" type). And while I sometimes feel like it fits well enough, I sometimes feel like I'm missing key elements.

There are 9 criteria listed in the DSM. For a professional to heavily consider diagnosis, you have to meet 5 or more of those criteria. They are:

Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by friends and family.

Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation—“I hate her.” This is also sometimes known as "splitting."

Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.

Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.

Suicidal and self-harming behavior.

Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.

Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.

Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity, or “out of body” type of feelings—and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.

#1:  Yes. As far as my conscious knows, I don't have this at all. I know my family wouldn't abandon me. Though I wonder if the reason I don't endeavor to make friends is because I don't want to be rejected. Then again, I've always thought it was because it's a lot of "work" to keep friends, and "hanging out" is really scary and tiring for me. Then again with friends and others, it feels impossible to be completely myself, though I want it so badly. Maybe my brain won't allow it, in order to protect from me being rejected. Like...maybe I'm not even consciously aware of this going on. EDIT: After a lot more education, it turns out that I definitely have this. I read a story about a BPD patient who felt the same exact way I do about weddings/people getting married. Turns out, we don't like getting replaced. It is abandonment/rejection for us. And my theory of pushing people away to avoid rejection is a very common theme. Again, I feel childish for this, but it's just nice to learn more about what really makes me tick. Everything is beginning to make more sense. I'll post again soon.

#2: Yes? At first this made sense to me. With many people, it felt like I would dislike them and then like or even love them again after a single gesture and vice versa. But it never went to a degree where I'd literally hate or be purposely vindictive toward anyone. I'm not sure if hate is necessary though (annoyance or dislike is sometimes used). But "black and white thinking" is definitely no. No one and no situation is either all good or all bad. EDIT: After talking with Stephen, and researching more about what "splitting" actually is, we decided I do this. It's embarrassing and seemingly childish, but knowing it's a common defense mechanism helps.

#3: No. I have a consistently poor self-image, and I know who I am.

#4: Yes. Long stories, but it should be clear that drugs and promiscuity are not part of them.

#5: Yes.

#6: Yes, but... I worry it's my other things. But then Sandra said that having this doesn't mean I don't have the other things. There are definitely swings and irritability, but...I don't know!

#7: Yes, but... what if it's my other things? I'm almost constantly bored, but I just thought it's because no one likes what I like and we don't talk about what I like ever. And I obviously feel empty.

#8: Yes.

#9: Yes. Except for the sense of identity option. That's never been an issue.

So I'm confused. The first three symptoms (the only ones I'm unsure of or defintiely don't have) seem very distinguishing and important. I'm a bit worried about the stigma attached. These symptoms seem so childish. And I feel childish that I even experience them. And a lot of people with BPD in popular articles seem like very manipulative, messed up people (I have little sympathy for people who sleep with married people). But we'll keep going with the treatment and see if it helps.

New Diagnosis

I'm excited and anxious at the same time!

Today, I was supposed to get my Buspirone doubled and an antidepressant (yay). I wasn't looking forward to it, but was happy to get more Buspirone! It really helps with general anxiety symptoms. Sandra is a blessing. She seems to know everything. Nearly every medicine she's prescribed has worked really well for me. So today, when I was telling her some experiences I had this week, she asked: Do you know anything about BPD?

Not really. I'd heard of it in social work class, but...yeah. She prescribed an anti-psychotic as I told her more. She got out her DSM and we went through it. Yeah. Borderline Personality Disorder. I had more than 5 of the 9 symptoms needed to make a diagnosis. And now I'm looking at it myself. It makes sense. Lots of things are beginning to make a lot of sense. Of course, it has a very high co-morbidity of depression and anxiety disorders.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

I think we found the final puzzle piece.

I'm seriously going to cry. I'm so grateful there is a chance at normalcy now that we've finally figured out what's going on.

(Barely) hanging on

It's been tough, but I'm trying to be tough right back.

Don't tell anyone, but someone skipped two classes this week. I know, but I'm drowning in my own thoughts. They're killing me, and getting heavier and louder. I need help. I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist as soon as school started. My back is hurting more and more. I CANNOT stop eating. Can't sleep because I'm obsessing. Worrying. Distracting myself.

My heart is breaking. I even had a nightmare about "her" again, but this was the first one that didn't end in us becoming friends, it ended in more hurt. It messed up my whole day. I knew what every detail symbolized. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever completely get over it. Why is that responsibility mine? I didn't do anything wrong. Why did he even tell me?

This life isn't meant for me, it's not a good fit. That's what this all feels like, trying to fit a triangle-shaped block into a circular hole. I don't know what to do anymore.