It seems like my blog has become a mental health blog. But it is what's in my brain, so...
I just wanted to note how happy I am right now.
Just because I'm better-medicated, doesn't mean I'm always happy. I still experience emotions, just not as deeply or as often. They also don't shift so much so quickly. I'm stable, you know? In fact, yesterday, I was very sad and very hopeless. I was dreading my future all day. It wasn't a good day, but I didn't get suicidal. Okay, I may have thought of it as an option, but it was a fleeting thought.
Anyway, that's over now. I'm pretty happy today. And I'm so thankful. I'm even thinking of getting a job soon. My sleep schedule is SO off, and I get so tired sometimes, but otherwise I feel so great! I feel prepared to try again.
I don't feel alone, despite having a more serious diagnosis now. I feel free. I feel like I'm more boring, but also less crazy. I can be me, right? I don't know. I'm just happy!! I feel GOOD!!! Thanks!
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Monday, October 24, 2016
I can breathe
It's hard to describe how things have changed since the antipsychotic.
I didn't realize how dissociated I was. I watched as my life happened, but I wasn't in any sort of control. I didn't realize how powerless I was over my mind. I thought feeling things everyday as if they happened yesterday was normal. For instance, I still lived in 2012. It was impossible for me to not drag up Stephen's infidelity and "chew" on it all day every day. Just let it gnaw at me. The feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and deep, unrelenting sadness took over, and I would be miserable (Keeping in mind, we were only dating at the time, and he's a much different, better person now). It was so masochistic. So disproportionate. It wasn't even a choice. Of course I'd want freedom. I wanted to forget, but couldn't. Now, when it ever does come to mind, I have a choice to not think more of it. The raw, searing pain is gone, and it's just something that happened years ago. It's in the past - where it belongs. It really is just a thought, and not something I've unintentionally breathed life into to torment me for the rest of the day. I have control. I have power. I have peace. Finally. And that's just the most prominent example! I don't think of slights or negative interpretations of things people have said or done. I don't cycle the "whys" and "what ifs" behind them. I can let things go! I'm free!
My marriage, obviously, is happier. I don't get annoyed at nothing anymore. My choices no longer feel like they have life and death consequences. It's okay to not have things "just so". People are more tolerable. My life is in my hands (for the most part). It's a whole new world at my fingertips! I can think, I can feel, and I can react on my own terms.
For the most part.
There has to be a catch, and my (very affordable) price to pay is a dulled imagination. Things have less color in my mind. It doesn't feel as realistic. Sleep is not as deep. I don't have to sleep as much (a good thing)! In fact, I feel restless often. It's hard to go to sleep at night. My legs are antsy. I get bored SO easily. My body also has a couple of issues typical for medicine that makes you feel better, but it's worth it.
I'm so happy. I'm SO happy my psychiatrist thought of this treatment and diagnosis. I'm learning so much, and I feel so much better. I don't really get too depressed at all, you know? It's amazing! I feel amazing! I just wish I'd found this sooner. Thank you. It's a miracle!!!
I didn't realize how dissociated I was. I watched as my life happened, but I wasn't in any sort of control. I didn't realize how powerless I was over my mind. I thought feeling things everyday as if they happened yesterday was normal. For instance, I still lived in 2012. It was impossible for me to not drag up Stephen's infidelity and "chew" on it all day every day. Just let it gnaw at me. The feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and deep, unrelenting sadness took over, and I would be miserable (Keeping in mind, we were only dating at the time, and he's a much different, better person now). It was so masochistic. So disproportionate. It wasn't even a choice. Of course I'd want freedom. I wanted to forget, but couldn't. Now, when it ever does come to mind, I have a choice to not think more of it. The raw, searing pain is gone, and it's just something that happened years ago. It's in the past - where it belongs. It really is just a thought, and not something I've unintentionally breathed life into to torment me for the rest of the day. I have control. I have power. I have peace. Finally. And that's just the most prominent example! I don't think of slights or negative interpretations of things people have said or done. I don't cycle the "whys" and "what ifs" behind them. I can let things go! I'm free!
My marriage, obviously, is happier. I don't get annoyed at nothing anymore. My choices no longer feel like they have life and death consequences. It's okay to not have things "just so". People are more tolerable. My life is in my hands (for the most part). It's a whole new world at my fingertips! I can think, I can feel, and I can react on my own terms.
For the most part.
There has to be a catch, and my (very affordable) price to pay is a dulled imagination. Things have less color in my mind. It doesn't feel as realistic. Sleep is not as deep. I don't have to sleep as much (a good thing)! In fact, I feel restless often. It's hard to go to sleep at night. My legs are antsy. I get bored SO easily. My body also has a couple of issues typical for medicine that makes you feel better, but it's worth it.
I'm so happy. I'm SO happy my psychiatrist thought of this treatment and diagnosis. I'm learning so much, and I feel so much better. I don't really get too depressed at all, you know? It's amazing! I feel amazing! I just wish I'd found this sooner. Thank you. It's a miracle!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)