This is going to sound dramatic (when do I not?), but it's impossible to describe another way. I honestly don't feel like I was built for this life.
Contact with "the other man" has been limited. For understandable reasons. And it's not like I wasn't dysfunctional when I could communicate with him, but I was definitely happier than I am now. I didn't realize how much.
It's getting hard to eat. For me! I couldn't do much more than shower before and leave the house at night to get my one meal of the day (fries), but now even that is asking a lot. I have been playing Overwatch basically nonstop. It's not that I love the game that much - especially because I often get stuck playing healer - it's because I can't stand being cognizant of reality. Of my stupid limitations.
I am so bored. I am so empty. The disappointment is astronomical.
Excuse the emo sentiment, but it is literally painful to be alive. I hate being awake. All I can think about is how long this is taking. How I can't possibly make it past age 30. This is too much. Imagine if my life was actually difficult! I'm such a waste of human tissue.
And it's not like I have anything to look forward to. I have PKD, I clearly can't hold a job, I will never get a degree, and I don't want kids. All I ever wanted was a career, since I was 5 years old. And it's just never going to happen. Not in a million years. Yes, I am bitter :)
