I don't know exactly what's wrong with me mentally. I've been diagnosed with so many things by now, and I'm only certain I'm indescribably depressed and that I suffer from BPD.
It is so exhausting trying to live a normal life like this. Every day, I get angry, to suicidal, and then back to "normal"/empty ( repeatedly, and not always in that order). I spend so much time apologizing and fighting. I eat to feel something. Anything. I play games to distract from the miserable realization that I'll never be rid of these problems. And honestly, I just hate feeling this way all the time. I can't stand it.
I keep telling myself to hold on one more day. Just one more. But why? What is there? The future isn't certain, no, and it can always get better, yes, but I can't go on feeling like this, no matter the circumstances of my life.
I'm trying to figure out how to work from home. Or I don't know. I'd still love to do anything involving anatomic pathology, but working full time, 9-5 or perhaps otherwise would just be tiring. It just feels like I can't keep up with anything I have to do. Daily things like laundry or dishes, cooking, cleaning the car, getting gas, or shopping for groceries. I need a break.
I mean, clinical depression does make you very tired, but I'm also anemic and I have pkd so yeah...I'm extremely tired. Emotionally and otherwise.
