Sorry I was so angry, geez.
Things are so much better now. Stephen is regaining confidence and being himself again. I see how much happier he is. He is a great friend and always there for me. There is this girl he's been seeing who is everything he'd want, and she's way into him, so I hope that goes somewhere. He deserves to be happy.
We both decided that our relationship was haunted. He couldn't show affection without thinking of what he did and feeling like the gestures wouldn't be genuine. So he did nothing. In turn, I grew more resentful and hurt. I felt alone. I don't feel like I portrayed accurately how much of this is my fault too. Sure, he landed the first blows to our relationship (as an idiot 19 year old mind you), but I certainly finished it off in an ugly way. I am just as responsible for what happened.
However, the hard feelings are gone, and all I feel is remorse for hurting someone I care so much for. For unintentionally making him pay for something he did when he was not himself. I just wish him the best, and hope we can always be friends and co-parents to Millie.
My new relationship has been very difficult at times. I'm not used to someone voicing their opinions or disagreeing with me. I knew Stephen was easy to get along with, but I don't think I appreciated it as much as I should have. :)
Anyway, this is not as easy, but it is healthier. And I'm grateful for that. We're learning what works for us (because it's too easy to escalate everything). It's rewarding when we work through things.
It's almost my birthday and almost Thanksgiving (my favorite), so I'm happy now. This past 1.5 months has not been easy at all. I lost a really good job plus other things going on, but I'm so excited for the holidays. There is still so much to be grateful for.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Thursday, June 13, 2019
When am I allowed to move on?
It is Juan's birthday, and he is spending it up here in Utah with me. We've been having a lot of fun! He got a good gig in construction almost immediately after getting here. He LOVES Utah!
I wish I could share my relationship more openly. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so psycho. My only supporters are my bffs from college! The idea of divorce was batted around since October, I started paperwork early January. Filed February 4th...is May too early?? I just can't get any support. Everyone was so worried and so against me being with Stephen. Now they're almost mad at me for divorcing him and "moving on". I can't win!
Btw, just because I believe Stephen and I are both happier doesn't mean I don't mourn our relationship. Of course I do! We had a lot of good things going, despite all the bad. We really did. I even miss some aspects sometimes, even though I'm with someone who treats me like a goddess now.
Because I never complained about my relationship, I guess they believe I just got tired of monotony, and ran off with the first steamy latino I could find. We had problems long before that. OBVIOUSLY. I think people love to brush past the fact that HE👏BETRAYED👏ME👏 Before we were even married! Because he was 19! I had NO self-esteem or self-respect and (a small thing here but) I'M MENTALLY F*CKING ILL, so I wanted him. I needed him. I literally didn't believe anyone else would want me, that I was supposed to be with the person I lost my Vcard to, that I deserved the punishment, that he loved me. Are you serious? Of course he didn't!
I wrote him a letter during therapy begging for affection. For time together. To sit next to me on the couch. Effort. Anything. I wrote it as sweetly as I could, because I really did love him and didn't want to pressure him. This was 2014?
Then I worked at DI, and there was this guy there who I attached to so fast. While I wouldn't have objected to a physical relationship, I really just liked that he talked to me. That he opened up to me about his struggles (with similar mental illnesses). Nothing ever came of that, but I don't see how that wasn't a GIANT red flag for anyone. Stephen and I chalked it up to: he fulfilled me emotionally and Stephen was incapable of doing so. Yup. Just threw in the towel there asap. THAT should've been time to put in work and maybe see a marriage counselor.
It was not long after I left there that my friend and I fell for eachother and I was profoundly changed for the better (personally, anyway. I know my life seemed to be flipped upside down). I'm so much more confident and happier since being with him.
Anyway...not sure where that rant was going. I'm just tired of hiding. When is okay? When is it okay to admit that 20 year olds make idiotic mistakes and we don't have to live with them forever? Stephen cheated on me when he was 19 years old. He lived with the consequences of those choices for 7 years. That's crazy!!! He shouldn't have to! If I had known and was not in a bad place myself? That relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 months. Here we've dragged it on for 7 years! Why?? There's all these psycho reasons, and only one good one - that we make amazing friends. Well...let's be friends and MOVE. TF. ON!
I wish I could share my relationship more openly. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so psycho. My only supporters are my bffs from college! The idea of divorce was batted around since October, I started paperwork early January. Filed February 4th...is May too early?? I just can't get any support. Everyone was so worried and so against me being with Stephen. Now they're almost mad at me for divorcing him and "moving on". I can't win!
Btw, just because I believe Stephen and I are both happier doesn't mean I don't mourn our relationship. Of course I do! We had a lot of good things going, despite all the bad. We really did. I even miss some aspects sometimes, even though I'm with someone who treats me like a goddess now.
Because I never complained about my relationship, I guess they believe I just got tired of monotony, and ran off with the first steamy latino I could find. We had problems long before that. OBVIOUSLY. I think people love to brush past the fact that HE👏BETRAYED👏ME👏 Before we were even married! Because he was 19! I had NO self-esteem or self-respect and (a small thing here but) I'M MENTALLY F*CKING ILL, so I wanted him. I needed him. I literally didn't believe anyone else would want me, that I was supposed to be with the person I lost my Vcard to, that I deserved the punishment, that he loved me. Are you serious? Of course he didn't!
I wrote him a letter during therapy begging for affection. For time together. To sit next to me on the couch. Effort. Anything. I wrote it as sweetly as I could, because I really did love him and didn't want to pressure him. This was 2014?
Then I worked at DI, and there was this guy there who I attached to so fast. While I wouldn't have objected to a physical relationship, I really just liked that he talked to me. That he opened up to me about his struggles (with similar mental illnesses). Nothing ever came of that, but I don't see how that wasn't a GIANT red flag for anyone. Stephen and I chalked it up to: he fulfilled me emotionally and Stephen was incapable of doing so. Yup. Just threw in the towel there asap. THAT should've been time to put in work and maybe see a marriage counselor.
It was not long after I left there that my friend and I fell for eachother and I was profoundly changed for the better (personally, anyway. I know my life seemed to be flipped upside down). I'm so much more confident and happier since being with him.
Anyway...not sure where that rant was going. I'm just tired of hiding. When is okay? When is it okay to admit that 20 year olds make idiotic mistakes and we don't have to live with them forever? Stephen cheated on me when he was 19 years old. He lived with the consequences of those choices for 7 years. That's crazy!!! He shouldn't have to! If I had known and was not in a bad place myself? That relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 months. Here we've dragged it on for 7 years! Why?? There's all these psycho reasons, and only one good one - that we make amazing friends. Well...let's be friends and MOVE. TF. ON!
Sunday, April 7, 2019
The Divorce
It was only $8!
It's weird because our friendship is still so strong. It's still enjoyable to hang out with him. Even moreso, now that I don't have an obligation to clean up after him!
He's been a lot happier, so that's good. In fact, that was the nail in the coffin: one morning, he just kept getting his feelings hurt, even when I literally did nothing. I think I rolled over in bed while he was talking at me from the bathroom, and it hurt his feelings. I was just done being the cause of that. Of his misery.
I watched for years as he changed into like three different people. The Stephen I dated (who SUCKED), the Stephen I married (who was awesome and actually himself), and the Stephen I divorced (a shell of a human being). He has just become so doubtful and scared and fragile. Not the Stephen I know. And that might be partially my fault.
I think he learned to walk on eggshells around me because I was so irritable with him. I grew that way over time because I resented him. That was on me completely. I tried EVERYTHING I could to forget what happened. I forgave him. I tried forgiving her (she never even acknowledged it happened, really). I was so desperate for the pain to go away, that I brought her flowers *twice*. So pathetic. It was just another humiliation at the time, and I had no self-respect at this point in my life. I had zero self esteem before, but dating Stephen made it worse because of things he would say.
We really had no business getting married. Everyone was against it. Everyone was against me, it felt. I defended him to literally everyone. I'd get yelled at, abandoned, gossipped about... It was difficult, but I wanted something to show for all my suffering. I wanted my prize, which was Stephen. I fought so hard for him, despite what little regard he held for me. I really loved him.
After everything, after we were married, his family still talked badly of me. They really have no idea how much I've gone through for him. His mom never liked me. Never even gave me a chance. It was heartbreaking. That was always a goal of mine - to have a good relationship with my MIL. He never really stood up for me to her. She even said at one point: "don't mess with my boys." Or something. Like bitch, I have lost so much fighting for him. Defending him to everyone. I was the catalyst for getting him from unemployed, mom's basement-dweller with no prospects to employed, going to college, and not living with his mom. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted him to be happy and productive. I wanted him to be the real Stephen (who is awesome). She was entirely dismissive of me from the very beginning. I'm actually SO happy I don't have to deal with that anymore!!!!!!!!!
I was dealing with constant nightmares and feelings of worthlessness for years. I grew angry and bitter and just became this person I didn't even recognize. And the whole time, Stephen just didn't seem to put any effort into helping that, or even just our marriage. I don't wanna make him look bad, so I'll just leave it at that. But I was growing resentful of him, and hating myself and being alive more and more. Yet, everyone was basically telling me to get over it. Everyone but psychiatric professionals, who called it "betrayal" - worse than cheating. I was just alone, fighting myself - by myself. It really, really didn't help that I have a condition that makes me feel things stronger than nueronormative people. Everything hurts more. We see negative things that aren't there in social settings.
Anyway, at almost 5 years of marriage, I was still so miserable. I really thought this was what I deserved, and as good as it would ever get. I thought hard about it often, and I really never wanted to have children with Stephen. I thought of living eternity with him, and I just felt alone, and like I'm the leader/boss in the relationship. I didn't want that. That's not me. And I felt so much pressure to be that throughout. But I still really enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was anything to be done.
Then, my friend fell in love with me. I didn't know until I woke up to some drunk texts he'd sent the night before. He was so embarrassed, but I enjoyed our time together too. We would just talk for HOURS about music and cats and videogames (He loves his little kitty and plays in a metal band). I really enjoyed the company, and moreso, I really enjoyed being loved. I had one short, very un-serious relationship before Stephen, so I didn't know what a loving or normal relationship was. I knew Stephen wasn't the best boyfriend ever as far as being affectionate went, but if I had only known how seriously lacking it was in all areas...It just never would've lasted so long. I see now that what we had wasn't love at all. And he admitted as much - that he didn't love me when he married me.
So...this was just a good thing all around. For Stephen, and for me. I will miss him as a very dear friend, but our marriage was just awful. Can I say that? Just felt one-sided and had a bad foundation that I was just tired of living with the consequences of.
It's weird because our friendship is still so strong. It's still enjoyable to hang out with him. Even moreso, now that I don't have an obligation to clean up after him!
He's been a lot happier, so that's good. In fact, that was the nail in the coffin: one morning, he just kept getting his feelings hurt, even when I literally did nothing. I think I rolled over in bed while he was talking at me from the bathroom, and it hurt his feelings. I was just done being the cause of that. Of his misery.
I watched for years as he changed into like three different people. The Stephen I dated (who SUCKED), the Stephen I married (who was awesome and actually himself), and the Stephen I divorced (a shell of a human being). He has just become so doubtful and scared and fragile. Not the Stephen I know. And that might be partially my fault.
I think he learned to walk on eggshells around me because I was so irritable with him. I grew that way over time because I resented him. That was on me completely. I tried EVERYTHING I could to forget what happened. I forgave him. I tried forgiving her (she never even acknowledged it happened, really). I was so desperate for the pain to go away, that I brought her flowers *twice*. So pathetic. It was just another humiliation at the time, and I had no self-respect at this point in my life. I had zero self esteem before, but dating Stephen made it worse because of things he would say.
We really had no business getting married. Everyone was against it. Everyone was against me, it felt. I defended him to literally everyone. I'd get yelled at, abandoned, gossipped about... It was difficult, but I wanted something to show for all my suffering. I wanted my prize, which was Stephen. I fought so hard for him, despite what little regard he held for me. I really loved him.
After everything, after we were married, his family still talked badly of me. They really have no idea how much I've gone through for him. His mom never liked me. Never even gave me a chance. It was heartbreaking. That was always a goal of mine - to have a good relationship with my MIL. He never really stood up for me to her. She even said at one point: "don't mess with my boys." Or something. Like bitch, I have lost so much fighting for him. Defending him to everyone. I was the catalyst for getting him from unemployed, mom's basement-dweller with no prospects to employed, going to college, and not living with his mom. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted him to be happy and productive. I wanted him to be the real Stephen (who is awesome). She was entirely dismissive of me from the very beginning. I'm actually SO happy I don't have to deal with that anymore!!!!!!!!!
I was dealing with constant nightmares and feelings of worthlessness for years. I grew angry and bitter and just became this person I didn't even recognize. And the whole time, Stephen just didn't seem to put any effort into helping that, or even just our marriage. I don't wanna make him look bad, so I'll just leave it at that. But I was growing resentful of him, and hating myself and being alive more and more. Yet, everyone was basically telling me to get over it. Everyone but psychiatric professionals, who called it "betrayal" - worse than cheating. I was just alone, fighting myself - by myself. It really, really didn't help that I have a condition that makes me feel things stronger than nueronormative people. Everything hurts more. We see negative things that aren't there in social settings.
Anyway, at almost 5 years of marriage, I was still so miserable. I really thought this was what I deserved, and as good as it would ever get. I thought hard about it often, and I really never wanted to have children with Stephen. I thought of living eternity with him, and I just felt alone, and like I'm the leader/boss in the relationship. I didn't want that. That's not me. And I felt so much pressure to be that throughout. But I still really enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was anything to be done.
Then, my friend fell in love with me. I didn't know until I woke up to some drunk texts he'd sent the night before. He was so embarrassed, but I enjoyed our time together too. We would just talk for HOURS about music and cats and videogames (He loves his little kitty and plays in a metal band). I really enjoyed the company, and moreso, I really enjoyed being loved. I had one short, very un-serious relationship before Stephen, so I didn't know what a loving or normal relationship was. I knew Stephen wasn't the best boyfriend ever as far as being affectionate went, but if I had only known how seriously lacking it was in all areas...It just never would've lasted so long. I see now that what we had wasn't love at all. And he admitted as much - that he didn't love me when he married me.
So...this was just a good thing all around. For Stephen, and for me. I will miss him as a very dear friend, but our marriage was just awful. Can I say that? Just felt one-sided and had a bad foundation that I was just tired of living with the consequences of.
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