It was only $8!
It's weird because our friendship is still so strong. It's still enjoyable to hang out with him. Even moreso, now that I don't have an obligation to clean up after him!
He's been a lot happier, so that's good. In fact, that was the nail in the coffin: one morning, he just kept getting his feelings hurt, even when I literally did nothing. I think I rolled over in bed while he was talking at me from the bathroom, and it hurt his feelings. I was just done being the cause of that. Of his misery.
I watched for years as he changed into like three different people. The Stephen I dated (who SUCKED), the Stephen I married (who was awesome and actually himself), and the Stephen I divorced (a shell of a human being). He has just become so doubtful and scared and fragile. Not the Stephen I know. And that might be partially my fault.
I think he learned to walk on eggshells around me because I was so irritable with him. I grew that way over time because I resented him. That was on me completely. I tried EVERYTHING I could to forget what happened. I forgave him. I tried forgiving her (she never even acknowledged it happened, really). I was so desperate for the pain to go away, that I brought her flowers *twice*. So pathetic. It was just another humiliation at the time, and I had no self-respect at this point in my life. I had zero self esteem before, but dating Stephen made it worse because of things he would say.
We really had no business getting married. Everyone was against it. Everyone was against me, it felt. I defended him to literally everyone. I'd get yelled at, abandoned, gossipped about... It was difficult, but I wanted something to show for all my suffering. I wanted my prize, which was Stephen. I fought so hard for him, despite what little regard he held for me. I really loved him.
After everything, after we were married, his family still talked badly of me. They really have no idea how much I've gone through for him. His mom never liked me. Never even gave me a chance. It was heartbreaking. That was always a goal of mine - to have a good relationship with my MIL. He never really stood up for me to her. She even said at one point: "don't mess with my boys." Or something. Like bitch, I have lost so much fighting for him. Defending him to everyone. I was the catalyst for getting him from unemployed, mom's basement-dweller with no prospects to employed, going to college, and not living with his mom. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted him to be happy and productive. I wanted him to be the real Stephen (who is awesome). She was entirely dismissive of me from the very beginning. I'm actually SO happy I don't have to deal with that anymore!!!!!!!!!
I was dealing with constant nightmares and feelings of worthlessness for years. I grew angry and bitter and just became this person I didn't even recognize. And the whole time, Stephen just didn't seem to put any effort into helping that, or even just our marriage. I don't wanna make him look bad, so I'll just leave it at that. But I was growing resentful of him, and hating myself and being alive more and more. Yet, everyone was basically telling me to get over it. Everyone but psychiatric professionals, who called it "betrayal" - worse than cheating. I was just alone, fighting myself - by myself. It really, really didn't help that I have a condition that makes me feel things stronger than nueronormative people. Everything hurts more. We see negative things that aren't there in social settings.
Anyway, at almost 5 years of marriage, I was still so miserable. I really thought this was what I deserved, and as good as it would ever get. I thought hard about it often, and I really never wanted to have children with Stephen. I thought of living eternity with him, and I just felt alone, and like I'm the leader/boss in the relationship. I didn't want that. That's not me. And I felt so much pressure to be that throughout. But I still really enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was anything to be done.
Then, my friend fell in love with me. I didn't know until I woke up to some drunk texts he'd sent the night before. He was so embarrassed, but I enjoyed our time together too. We would just talk for HOURS about music and cats and videogames (He loves his little kitty and plays in a metal band). I really enjoyed the company, and moreso, I really enjoyed being loved. I had one short, very un-serious relationship before Stephen, so I didn't know what a loving or normal relationship was. I knew Stephen wasn't the best boyfriend ever as far as being affectionate went, but if I had only known how seriously lacking it was in all areas...It just never would've lasted so long. I see now that what we had wasn't love at all. And he admitted as much - that he didn't love me when he married me.
So...this was just a good thing all around. For Stephen, and for me. I will miss him as a very dear friend, but our marriage was just awful. Can I say that? Just felt one-sided and had a bad foundation that I was just tired of living with the consequences of.
