I wish I could share my relationship more openly. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so psycho. My only supporters are my bffs from college! The idea of divorce was batted around since October, I started paperwork early January. Filed February 4th...is May too early?? I just can't get any support. Everyone was so worried and so against me being with Stephen. Now they're almost mad at me for divorcing him and "moving on". I can't win!
Btw, just because I believe Stephen and I are both happier doesn't mean I don't mourn our relationship. Of course I do! We had a lot of good things going, despite all the bad. We really did. I even miss some aspects sometimes, even though I'm with someone who treats me like a goddess now.
Because I never complained about my relationship, I guess they believe I just got tired of monotony, and ran off with the first steamy latino I could find. We had problems long before that. OBVIOUSLY. I think people love to brush past the fact that HE👏BETRAYED👏ME👏 Before we were even married! Because he was 19! I had NO self-esteem or self-respect and (a small thing here but) I'M MENTALLY F*CKING ILL, so I wanted him. I needed him. I literally didn't believe anyone else would want me, that I was supposed to be with the person I lost my Vcard to, that I deserved the punishment, that he loved me. Are you serious? Of course he didn't!
I wrote him a letter during therapy begging for affection. For time together. To sit next to me on the couch. Effort. Anything. I wrote it as sweetly as I could, because I really did love him and didn't want to pressure him. This was 2014?
Then I worked at DI, and there was this guy there who I attached to so fast. While I wouldn't have objected to a physical relationship, I really just liked that he talked to me. That he opened up to me about his struggles (with similar mental illnesses). Nothing ever came of that, but I don't see how that wasn't a GIANT red flag for anyone. Stephen and I chalked it up to: he fulfilled me emotionally and Stephen was incapable of doing so. Yup. Just threw in the towel there asap. THAT should've been time to put in work and maybe see a marriage counselor.
It was not long after I left there that my friend and I fell for eachother and I was profoundly changed for the better (personally, anyway. I know my life seemed to be flipped upside down). I'm so much more confident and happier since being with him.
Anyway...not sure where that rant was going. I'm just tired of hiding. When is okay? When is it okay to admit that 20 year olds make idiotic mistakes and we don't have to live with them forever? Stephen cheated on me when he was 19 years old. He lived with the consequences of those choices for 7 years. That's crazy!!! He shouldn't have to! If I had known and was not in a bad place myself? That relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 months. Here we've dragged it on for 7 years! Why?? There's all these psycho reasons, and only one good one - that we make amazing friends. Well...let's be friends and MOVE. TF. ON!
