This is something that's been on my mind as of late. Things just haven't been going well at all. Juan stopped working in the fall, and it kind of threw everything into a tailspin. I actually got a credit card, took out a bunch of loans, and tried everything I could to stay in our apartment.
Multi-millionaire Dave Ramsey, who I listen to multiple times a week, strongly advises against doing both of those things in a non-married relationship. I can now see why. Firstly, that's a lot of strain on a relationship. Secondly, it chains you to someone who could drop you any second and you'd be the one bound to those debts.
Yeah, but my bf would never dump me after everything he put me through. Yes, yes he would. Literally 2 days after I drove us here (maybe 30 hours of driving), we got in an argument and he kicked me out. I had literally nowhere to go. My closest relative is 6 hours away. He knows every relationship I have is strained, and that being homeless is my biggest fear. Also, I'll note that I never did that to him. Ever. Even when I hated him, I'd leave, and offer to buy bus tickets. You know....because that's someone I cared about.
So that hurts immensely, and has done a lot to remove any respect and sense of security I had left. Which wasn't much.
He moves here and his "depression" is magically cured, and he's working just fine. I just wish he would've been straight up with me about being homesick, instead of promising over and over again that he'd work. I would've obviously made different, much less costly decisions. Also, I can't get a job here. I've applied everywhere.
I want to go back just so I can start working again and get my life back. I feel like I've taken 5 steps backward. I worked so hard to get where I was. I had a decent job at a great company (with a strict attendance policy) and I'd been there for over a year (which is my best record!). I was really proud of myself, but lost everything. Now I'm thousands of dollars in debt with someone who could just leave me any second, apparently.
I just want to go to school again.
I never wanted anything from life except a career. Never desired children. I always thought there was "the one" out there, but didn't seek it out. Every relationship I've had, the guy made the first move. I just didn't really look forward to anything except a career.
I wanted to have a bachelor's by 21. I wanted to be really respected in the field (I wanted to be a crime scene investigator at the time). I wanted to write books and just wake up everyday loving my job and doing great at it.
Side note: Nothing makes me feel those warm fuzzies more than someone who is doing what they love/are born to do. Best garbage man in the world? Awesome. Naturally gifted at selling cars and it makes you happy to get up everyday? Awesome.
I am naturally curious and extremely thorough and relentless when I have questions. And, honestly, the only thing that's ever put a real fire in my heart is criminal justice/forensic science/forensic medicine. And that's saying a lot for someone who is like...dead to the world. Also I love blood!
So I feel like I was born to do death investigation. Whether it's as a coroner or autopsy technician, or something else, I just feel like I am settling for less if I do anything else.
That's why I tried everything.
I went to CNA school to try the forensic nursing route and found out I'm not comfortable with patients. I tried EMT school (twice!) because I figured most patients would be unconscious. That's not true, and my first teacher failed me because he didn't think I was good with patients. My second teacher said I have great bedside manner, but that I need to exude more calmness (which really broke my heart, because I felt like I completely hid the discomfort). Anyway, I had to go to the mental hospital and quit that second class.
Obviously I tried the criminal justice route and I went to mortuary school, which I thought was the golden ticket, but I hate embalming as a cultural practice. That, and working with grieving people is all the degree teaches......so I just didn't think it was worth all the effort to drive up to Salt Lake to the multiple campuses. I'm still open to it, if it would mean I could get a good job and wouldn't be stuck arranging funerals.
But anyway, I really did try everything I could think of to get where I wanted to be.
I really wanted a career, and I just feel stuck in a meaningless life now. As if God (if there is such a thing) hit me right where it hurts to just completely disable me from getting the one thing I wanted from life.
Even getting past the social issues, I'm completely unstable and neurotic. BPD infamously leads to multiple garbage relationships and poor familial and friendly ties. But also multiple job losses and changes.
It's just hard to feel like my life has any meaning at all.
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Pretty recently, while looking at school stuff, I discovered a program that might be do-able. It involves becoming a histotechnician, and they basically take tissue (cancer tumors, livers, brain, etc) and look at them under microscopes to detect disease. It's pathology. And histotechnicians can eventually go to pathology assistant school and help with autopsies. In fact, with an associates alone, you can be a grossing technician, and they basically take the organs out of dead people. Which I would love!
You can choose that as a specialty, but the program is called medical laboratory science. Which they have in Utah, but it required so much math and chemistry, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I couldn't bother trying that. However, the program here requires what is Math 1030 in Utah, and only like 3 chemistry classes. Tops.
So I'm heavily considering this program. Also mortuary school. Also still health information management to become a trauma registrar and work on cataloguing ways people die. It's an alright alternative :)
So I haven't quite given up just yet, But I need to go to school soon, because my soul is dying being stuck like this.
