December Update!

Clearly, social things are not my favorite. I always dread anything social. But this month I got to see my three friends from college for the first time in YEARS! Hey girls, hey! I looked forward to seeing them, but knew that I've changed for the worse in a lot of ways - and I was really worried about that. I worried that I didn't have a lot of good to say since we last talked. They all had cute kiddos, they all seem to have healthy marriages, and they're all so pretty! I am unstable, and my life is equally unstable. I just didn't even know what I could share with them.

Well, as little as I shared, we talked for hours!!! They all shared pregnancy and birthing stories, we talked about our memories, what's going on these days with us, our men, raising kids, etc. It was just really nice feeling connected. And we all have a lot more in common than I thought, sadly. You really never know what some people are going through because they're not as whiney as I am. Anyway, that was just grand. I was sooo tired the next day, but it was so worth it!!!

I've been doing pretty well lately. Not as sad, at least. I still have mood swings a lot more than I'd like, and my dissociation and mental processing have been getting a lot worse. I'm worried it's my medication. It's really hard to think and process information quickly. And I didn't realize my memory was so bad until I keep hearing "I've told you this before" like so many times...it's scaring me. As far as the dissociation goes, my face and hands are numb a lot of the time. I have a very hard time caring about anything (but also caring waaay too much about nothing), and I just feel like this life isn't mine. Like I'm living someone else's life. I feel like my body isn't mine. Idk. Idk what to do about this. If it can even be fixed.

Today was bittersweet. My mom's family was throwing a Christmas party. They have awesome food, and they're the most loving people you could hope to know. I always feel so out-of-place with them. Not for any shortcoming on their part. They always try to make me feel welcome. But anyway, we were there, listening to their stories, when my aunt said so casually in the middle of her conversation: "they had a dead body in their ward this week."

I just naturally and instantly perked up: "Really?!". Without even thinking. It must've been louder or more excited than I meant to sound, because my aunt and uncle were really amused. I felt kinda embarrassed. But my uncle went on to say: "If there ever was a wasted calling..." And my aunt chimed in: "I know! Someone so passionate about that..." They went on to talk about how people in the death industry earn a lot of money. It all blurred together. I just felt so utterly heartbroken. It really is a waste. I have always felt that people were *made* for something. Like they have the passion or prefect skillset for something. Something that would make them happy. Have you seen Salt Bae? Like him. He's a perfect example of this.

You all know how I feel about death investigation and the like by now, so I'll just summarize that it's one of few things that give me life. It's just difficult because I've tried nearly everything to get a career in that field. I have a lot working against me. You know that by now too (sorry I COMPLAIN SO MUCH!).

But yeah, that crushed my soul a bit, but I was so flattered that they knew how much I love that stuff. It was so nice to be supported. They always have supported me.

Anyway, it's been a pretty pleasant end to a pretty awful year. There's more to come :)

I need a break

I don't know exactly what's wrong with me mentally. I've been diagnosed with so many things by now, and I'm only certain I'm indescribably depressed and that I suffer from BPD.

It is so exhausting trying to live a normal life like this. Every day, I get angry, to suicidal, and then back to "normal"/empty ( repeatedly, and not always in that order). I spend so much time apologizing and fighting. I eat to feel something. Anything. I play games to distract from the miserable realization that I'll never be rid of these problems. And honestly, I just hate feeling this way all the time. I can't stand it.

I keep telling myself to hold on one more day. Just one more. But why? What is there? The future isn't certain, no, and it can always get better, yes, but I can't go on feeling like this, no matter the circumstances of my life.

I'm trying to figure out how to work from home. Or I don't know. I'd still love to do anything involving anatomic pathology, but working full time, 9-5 or perhaps otherwise would just be tiring. It just feels like I can't keep up with anything I have to do. Daily things like laundry or dishes, cooking, cleaning the car, getting gas, or shopping for groceries. I need a break.

I mean, clinical depression does make you very tired, but I'm also anemic and I have pkd so yeah...I'm extremely tired. Emotionally and otherwise.

Listen

We need to change the way we talk about mental illness in the United States. It is probably the worst thing we currently do as a society, and most don't even know it.

With the recent death of Kate Spade, I felt hurt. I don't like her perfumes, I could never afford her adorable journals, and I didn't even know she designed handbags, but I always feel a void when someone dies by suicide. A little less hopeful. A little more lost. And, with every comment made about it, a lot more alone.

Why is it a thing to say "mental issues"? What is that? We can't even call them what they are? llnesses. Disorders. Diseases. They're not "issues" for a lot of people. They're as real as any other physical disease. And I know that's cliché, but people don't seem to get it. Even when they mean well, mental illness is just an "issue" that people take their own lives over. Calling it that not only disguises the depth of these illnesses, but diminishes the struggle of those who have them. It also promotes the next problematic ideas.

Suicide is selfish. I try to understand this notion as best I can, I try thinking of it from a neurotypical's point of view, but I just don't get the absolute idiocy behind this sentiment. The vast majority of suicides are completed by people who are MENTALLY ILL. ie: They're not thinking like a normal person, that's kinda the problem. So when you think of killing yourself as a normal person, you think: "Hey, nothing in my life is really that bad. I get sad from time to time, but never enough to leave my kids/dog/parents/sister!" Yeah...but you're not depressed. You're not psychotic. You're not delusional. You don't hallucinate. You have control over who you are, and a great deal of control over how you feel and act. You also have a good deal of control over the choices you make and the way your life turns out. Congratulations! Again, and I can assure you, they're not thinking like a normal person. They're actually thinking everyone would be better off without them. They actually think they're a burden, and they're helping by offing themselves. Unless you've been there, you truly have no idea.

But they're still selfish, right? It's probably because they didn't have or turn to God in their lives. I love this one. With no other illness would we blame a lack of God. Your spine can develop outside your body, your pancreas cannot work, you might produce too much mucus, and none of that has anything to do with God. But if your brain, the most complex organ in your body, malfunctions in any way, that's because of lack of God. Ask everyone who goes to church - not ONE has a mental illness, right? Get it? You're bipolar because you're not singing enough hymns!

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Classic. Yes, there are some suicides that superficially stem from a breakup or recent situation, but first of all, you might want to look deeper because, again, a normal person wouldn't behave that way. Secondly, 90% of suicides are committed by those who had a diagnosable illness beforehand. Many who had struggled and fought and *suffered* for years -  decades - before. These problems aren't temporary, and they're certainly not easy. So can we stop with this dismissive and frivolous saying?

And can we just stop with accusing anyone who speaks about their mental illness as "seeking attention", or "using them as a crutch", or whatever else? I guess this is a thing with all invisible illnesses, but can we mention them (these things we struggle through EVERY DAY) without being ignored or dismissed or bullied? I don't get it.

Why are we talking like these types of illnesses don't even exist? It's hard enough to wade through the sludge of our diagnoses while trying to live a normal life. Why are our struggles then being completely ignored. It's absolutely demoralizing.

So, when someone kills themselves or complains about their strife, say you're listening. Commit to doing better for your loved ones. Mourn them as you would someone else who's life was taken from them via disease. This is real.

Rant - Education System

The biggest question when it comes to the U.S. education system is usually "Is it worth the (skyrocketing) cost?"

We'll cut that short. It's not worth the cost unless you're getting a practical or otherwise "in-demand" degree.

But that's not what has been on my mind about the whole mess of higher education. I think the whole thing needs to be overhauled. First of all, why, with the cost of courses going up every year, do we still require people to take general education credits? What is the value of a liberal arts/"well-rounded" education? For instance, why does a mortician (someone who plans funerals and cares for our dead) need to know how to solve linear equations and to simplify radical expressions? P.S: That's just math 1010!!!

Second, there NEED to be more options! One-size-fits-all will look good on a few people, but who the hell are we kidding when we think it will actually fit everyone? That never works - not in fashion, and definitely not in education. So why are there only vocational schools (that are looked down on for whatever reason) and, you know, college? What happened to apprenticeships? What happened to learning from a master? I'm finding out rather quickly that there are not a lot of opportunities for people who can't do the whole college thing. But why?

Third, it's a sneaky way to separate the rich from the poor. More and more apparent is that, as prices go up, only the wealthy and those willing and able to become indentured servants to the US government can "be educated" and earn that sweet, sweet diploma. Isn't that wrong? Shouldn't higher education be available to everyone at a reasonable price? I dunno. Gotta keep that bachelors degree valuable somehow...

Which brings us to the fourth point: It's built on lies! Your mom and dad probably didn't mean to screw you over by saying that a degree is the best, securest route to happiness and employment, but they're wrong. Maybe it was true in their time, but a degree won't get you jack $h*t a lot of the time these days. Ask the 2 people I know with JDs. Ask the Ph.D in chemistry guy I work with at an $11 an hour job. Ask the thousands of students who graduate with useless arts majors. Ask the more than half of college graduates working at a job that doesn't require a degree. Or look at the 8.9% unemployment rate of those with a bachelors.

It's the elephant in the room! Everyone knows it's broken! So why are we still doing this? It's not working for a lot of people. Nearly HALF of college students drop out before getting a degree. It's not working for HALF of us. The education system is greedy and useless. Let's bring apprenticeships back! Let's drop the dumb garbage from the required curriculum and save people time and money so they can work and contribute to society. Is that so much to ask?

Changes

It's been a while.

I got a full-time job at a factory nearby. It's so much better than the other factory job. It's a steady pace, time goes by so fast, and I have really good co-workers. They're really good or interesting people. They treat the employees very well.

Things have been good in that regard.

Socially and romantically, it's been a nightmare.

I'm just happy there are possibilities.

Discrimination?

One rule you (should) learn rather quickly as a mentally ill person is to never EVER disclose your diagnosis in an interview. Don't even elude to it, if you can.

I recently broke this rule (he asked why I left DI, what plausible lie would've sufficed?), and the interviewer immediately became uncomfortable. His body position shifted, his face subtly became strained and worried, his voice became sympathetic. Ugh. His concern was that he'd heard "people with depression have a hard time with needing a lot of sleep." He continued "Is that going to be a problem for you?"

First of all, most people with unipolar depression actually sleep and eat LESS. It's not my case (and yet another reason why the GP thinks I'm bipolar), but that's more normal. Second, even after I assured him staying awake from 10pm to 7:30am would not be a problem for me, he still seemed uneasy. It was heartbreaking, honestly. I saw my chances at this job evaporate before my eyes.

It's hard because there aren't a lot of jobs I can do in the first place. This was one of few opportunities that he just eliminated based on his misunderstanding of people with one of my conditions. A bigger problem for me personally is a marked lack of motivation and energy. The only other issue I've had with work is stress-response.

He had no idea, but two days before my interview with him, I started my first day at another job. I actually enjoyed it (who wouldn't enjoy putting labels on boxes alone for 6 hours straight?). However, I was moved to a much faster-paced area of the production line and people were unhappy with my lack of experience. I wasn't doing things the way my coworkers liked (they all gave me different instructions), and they were getting frustrated. Which, in turn, made me frustrated. And disappointed in myself. I absolutely hate being the weak link. The negative wheels started turning and, despite every effort to interject rational thoughts, a few tears started seeping out. I tried as covertly as possible to wipe them away and continue unnoticed. No such luck.

Somehow, this girl with some level of authority came over and asked what was wrong. I said: "Nothing is wrong." She asked my coworkers in Spanish, they didn't know. She kind of huffed and walked off. Soon afterward, my supervisor approached with the same question. "Nothing is wrong." I lied. "Just trying to work." She asked if I wanted to go home. "Is my shift over?" I asked, looking at the clock. No. Then the answer is HELL no. "I want to finish my shift at least." I answered. She said "Okay." and she walked off too. Then, my freaking manager shows up. By this time, I'm highly embarrassed and doing my very best to stifle my thoughts and tears, and work as hard as possible so no more attention will be drawn. He asks what's wrong. Slightly frustrated, I reply "Nothing!". He asks if it's because of something from home or from work. It's from neither. The problem is from my stupid brain, but I can't explain that now. "Neither! I wish people would just stop asking!" I'm suddenly taking my gloves off and walking out. On auto-pilot. I'm devastated I'm losing this job like this! That I couldn't even finish my first 10 hour shift. Beyond frustrated with myself. Embarrassed as fu*k. What adult does this?! Needless to say, the car ride home and subsequent suicidal gesture were emotionally-charged and there was plenty of screaming and sobbing.

But yeah, I had no problem getting up at 4am to be there at 6am.

Like

We all have our passions in life. Today, I got to talk about mine!

It started with an article about Richard Ramirez; The Nightstalker. Basically, he would go out at night and enter unlocked doors of homes and bludgeon (beat, rape, sodomize) his victims to death. His crimes were horrific, but I think what fascinates people most about him is his little following of girls. Yeah...this guy brutalizes innocent people in the worst way, and yet the girls adored his good looks and mystery so much that they'd flock to all his court appearances.

Anyway, this article was more of a criminology perspective of why he did what he did. Interesting as hell, of course. I took a criminal profiling class (they hate that term, btw) from a retired FBI agent with the Behavioral Science Unit. Basically, I learned that a) people don't just "break". b) the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is that the psychopath is born without empathy and the sociopath is conditioned to lack empathy. c) my husband's ex is literally a sociopath, and it helped on all the tests because I just had to list attributes about her. I'm not kidding.

The article theorizes that Richard Ramirez is a sociopath who suffered alleged physical abuse from his father and had 2 traumatic head injuries - a dresser fell on his head, causing a laceration in infancy, and getting knocked out after being hit by a swing (he suffered seizures from then on). To top it all off, his mother worked in a boot-making factory and was exposed to chemical fumes when pregnant with all her children. All of his siblings suffered defects. And, to me, if a mom would put all of her kids at risk after seeing the damage to the first ones, there was neglect. Or a low IQ. Most devastating, in my opinion, was that he was shown photos of raped and murdered Vietnamese women by his soldier cousin. When he was 13. Developing sexually. They think this made a connection in his brain between sexual arousal and violence. He became aroused by violence.

So fascinating. I still think he should be punished for his heinous crimes, but I also sympathize. Did he really have a chance? A lot of comments (from those who obviously didn't read the article) claimed: "I had a bad childhood and I didn't kill anyone!" or "It's entirely his choice. Doesn't anyone take responsibility anymore?!". Silly. And true. A LOT of people suffer messed up childhoods, and yet don't kill anyone. So we need to examine these guys and figure out what makes them different. What is the tipping point? A gene? A personality trait? Different brain shape or chemistry?

I could go on and on. And I did. I just took poor Stephen on this ride, rambling on about my theories and branching into different crimes. I remember a lot of different crimes. Lots of details. It's a neat party trick.

But I was actually somewhat excited about something. I feel things when I talk about this kind of stuff. I love criminal justice. I really love just how intricate and unique each case is. Justice bends to suit every participant. There is real, raw emotion from all parties involved. Or sometimes a lack of it. All very interesting. All real. It matters. It all matters.

I just wonder if that's why I like the things I like. Because it makes me feel. It saves me from the constant boredom and emptiness. Music, crime, epidemiology and thanatology. It's so stupid, because that's the way everyone works, I think. We all like what we like because it actually gets our attention. We actually find those things important in some way. I don't know. So simple. So obvious.