When am I allowed to move on?

It is Juan's birthday, and he is spending it up here in Utah with me. We've been having a lot of fun! He got a good gig in construction almost immediately after getting here. He LOVES Utah!

I wish I could share my relationship more openly. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so psycho. My only supporters are my bffs from college! The idea of divorce was batted around since October, I started paperwork early January. Filed February 4th...is May too early?? I just can't get any support. Everyone was so worried and so against me being with Stephen. Now they're almost mad at me for divorcing him and "moving on". I can't win!

Btw, just because I believe Stephen and I are both happier doesn't mean I don't mourn our relationship. Of course I do! We had a lot of good things going, despite all the bad. We really did. I even miss some aspects sometimes, even though I'm with someone who treats me like a goddess now.

Because I never complained about my relationship, I guess they believe I just got tired of monotony, and ran off with the first steamy latino I could find. We had problems long before that. OBVIOUSLY. I think people love to brush past the fact that HE👏BETRAYED👏ME👏 Before we were even married! Because he was 19! I had NO self-esteem or self-respect and (a small thing here but) I'M MENTALLY F*CKING ILL, so I wanted him. I needed him. I literally didn't believe anyone else would want me, that I was supposed to be with the person I lost my Vcard to, that I deserved the punishment, that he loved me. Are you serious? Of course he didn't!

I wrote him a letter during therapy begging for affection. For time together. To sit next to me on the couch. Effort. Anything. I wrote it as sweetly as I could, because I really did love him and didn't want to pressure him. This was 2014?

Then I worked at DI, and there was this guy there who I attached to so fast. While I wouldn't have objected to a physical relationship, I really just liked that he talked to me. That he opened up to me about his struggles (with similar mental illnesses). Nothing ever came of that, but I don't see how that wasn't a GIANT red flag for anyone. Stephen and I chalked it up to: he fulfilled me emotionally and Stephen was incapable of doing so. Yup. Just threw in the towel there asap. THAT should've been time to put in work and maybe see a marriage counselor.

It was not long after I left there that my friend and I fell for eachother and I was profoundly changed for the better (personally, anyway. I know my life seemed to be flipped upside down). I'm so much more confident and happier since being with him.

Anyway...not sure where that rant was going. I'm just tired of hiding. When is okay? When is it okay to admit that 20 year olds make idiotic mistakes and we don't have to live with them forever? Stephen cheated on me when he was 19 years old. He lived with the consequences of those choices for 7 years. That's crazy!!! He shouldn't have to! If I had known and was not in a bad place myself? That relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 months. Here we've dragged it on for 7 years! Why?? There's all these psycho reasons, and only one good one - that we make amazing friends. Well...let's be friends and MOVE. TF. ON!

The Divorce

It was only $8!

It's weird because our friendship is still so strong. It's still enjoyable to hang out with him. Even moreso, now that I don't have an obligation to clean up after him!

He's been a lot happier, so that's good. In fact, that was the nail in the coffin: one morning, he just kept getting his feelings hurt, even when I literally did nothing. I think I rolled over in bed while he was talking at me from the bathroom, and it hurt his feelings. I was just done being the cause of that. Of his misery.

I watched for years as he changed into like three different people. The Stephen I dated (who SUCKED), the Stephen I married (who was awesome and actually himself), and the Stephen I divorced (a shell of a human being). He has just become so doubtful and scared and fragile. Not the Stephen I know. And that might be partially my fault.

I think he learned to walk on eggshells around me because I was so irritable with him. I grew that way over time because I resented him. That was on me completely. I tried EVERYTHING I could to forget what happened. I forgave him. I tried forgiving her (she never even acknowledged it happened, really). I was so desperate for the pain to go away, that I brought her flowers *twice*. So pathetic. It was just another humiliation at the time, and I had no self-respect at this point in my life. I had zero self esteem before, but dating Stephen made it worse because of things he would say.

We really had no business getting married. Everyone was against it. Everyone was against me, it felt. I defended him to literally everyone. I'd get yelled at, abandoned, gossipped about... It was difficult, but I wanted something to show for all my suffering. I wanted my prize, which was Stephen. I fought so hard for him, despite what little regard he held for me. I really loved him.

After everything, after we were married, his family still talked badly of me. They really have no idea how much I've gone through for him. His mom never liked me. Never even gave me a chance. It was heartbreaking. That was always a goal of mine - to have a good relationship with my MIL. He never really stood up for me to her. She even said at one point: "don't mess with my boys." Or something. Like bitch, I have lost so much fighting for him. Defending him to everyone. I was the catalyst for getting him from unemployed, mom's basement-dweller with no prospects to employed, going to college, and not living with his mom. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted him to be happy and productive. I wanted him to be the real Stephen (who is awesome). She was entirely dismissive of me from the very beginning. I'm actually SO happy I don't have to deal with that anymore!!!!!!!!!

I was dealing with constant nightmares and feelings of worthlessness for years. I grew angry and bitter and just became this person I didn't even recognize. And the whole time, Stephen just didn't seem to put any effort into helping that, or even just our marriage. I don't wanna make him look bad, so I'll just leave it at that. But I was growing resentful of him, and hating myself and being alive more and more. Yet, everyone was basically telling me to get over it. Everyone but psychiatric professionals, who called it "betrayal" - worse than cheating. I was just alone, fighting myself - by myself. It really, really didn't help that I have a condition that makes me feel things stronger than nueronormative people. Everything hurts more. We see negative things that aren't there in social settings.

Anyway, at almost 5 years of marriage, I was still so miserable. I really thought this was what I deserved, and as good as it would ever get. I thought hard about it often, and I really never wanted to have children with Stephen. I thought of living eternity with him, and I just felt alone, and like I'm the leader/boss in the relationship. I didn't want that. That's not me. And I felt so much pressure to be that throughout. But I still really enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was anything to be done.

Then, my friend fell in love with me. I didn't know until I woke up to some drunk texts he'd sent the night before. He was so embarrassed, but I enjoyed our time together too. We would just talk for HOURS about music and cats and videogames (He loves his little kitty and plays in a metal band). I really enjoyed the company, and moreso, I really enjoyed being loved. I had one short, very un-serious relationship before Stephen, so I didn't know what a loving or normal relationship was. I knew Stephen wasn't the best boyfriend ever as far as being affectionate went, but if I had only known how seriously lacking it was in all areas...It just never would've lasted so long. I see now that what we had wasn't love at all. And he admitted as much - that he didn't love me when he married me.

So...this was just a good thing all around. For Stephen, and for me. I will miss him as a very dear friend, but our marriage was just awful. Can I say that? Just felt one-sided and had a bad foundation that I was just tired of living with the consequences of.

December Update!

Clearly, social things are not my favorite. I always dread anything social. But this month I got to see my three friends from college for the first time in YEARS! Hey girls, hey! I looked forward to seeing them, but knew that I've changed for the worse in a lot of ways - and I was really worried about that. I worried that I didn't have a lot of good to say since we last talked. They all had cute kiddos, they all seem to have healthy marriages, and they're all so pretty! I am unstable, and my life is equally unstable. I just didn't even know what I could share with them.

Well, as little as I shared, we talked for hours!!! They all shared pregnancy and birthing stories, we talked about our memories, what's going on these days with us, our men, raising kids, etc. It was just really nice feeling connected. And we all have a lot more in common than I thought, sadly. You really never know what some people are going through because they're not as whiney as I am. Anyway, that was just grand. I was sooo tired the next day, but it was so worth it!!!

I've been doing pretty well lately. Not as sad, at least. I still have mood swings a lot more than I'd like, and my dissociation and mental processing have been getting a lot worse. I'm worried it's my medication. It's really hard to think and process information quickly. And I didn't realize my memory was so bad until I keep hearing "I've told you this before" like so many times...it's scaring me. As far as the dissociation goes, my face and hands are numb a lot of the time. I have a very hard time caring about anything (but also caring waaay too much about nothing), and I just feel like this life isn't mine. Like I'm living someone else's life. I feel like my body isn't mine. Idk. Idk what to do about this. If it can even be fixed.

Today was bittersweet. My mom's family was throwing a Christmas party. They have awesome food, and they're the most loving people you could hope to know. I always feel so out-of-place with them. Not for any shortcoming on their part. They always try to make me feel welcome. But anyway, we were there, listening to their stories, when my aunt said so casually in the middle of her conversation: "they had a dead body in their ward this week."

I just naturally and instantly perked up: "Really?!". Without even thinking. It must've been louder or more excited than I meant to sound, because my aunt and uncle were really amused. I felt kinda embarrassed. But my uncle went on to say: "If there ever was a wasted calling..." And my aunt chimed in: "I know! Someone so passionate about that..." They went on to talk about how people in the death industry earn a lot of money. It all blurred together. I just felt so utterly heartbroken. It really is a waste. I have always felt that people were *made* for something. Like they have the passion or prefect skillset for something. Something that would make them happy. Have you seen Salt Bae? Like him. He's a perfect example of this.

You all know how I feel about death investigation and the like by now, so I'll just summarize that it's one of few things that give me life. It's just difficult because I've tried nearly everything to get a career in that field. I have a lot working against me. You know that by now too (sorry I COMPLAIN SO MUCH!).

But yeah, that crushed my soul a bit, but I was so flattered that they knew how much I love that stuff. It was so nice to be supported. They always have supported me.

Anyway, it's been a pretty pleasant end to a pretty awful year. There's more to come :)

I need a break

I don't know exactly what's wrong with me mentally. I've been diagnosed with so many things by now, and I'm only certain I'm indescribably depressed and that I suffer from BPD.

It is so exhausting trying to live a normal life like this. Every day, I get angry, to suicidal, and then back to "normal"/empty ( repeatedly, and not always in that order). I spend so much time apologizing and fighting. I eat to feel something. Anything. I play games to distract from the miserable realization that I'll never be rid of these problems. And honestly, I just hate feeling this way all the time. I can't stand it.

I keep telling myself to hold on one more day. Just one more. But why? What is there? The future isn't certain, no, and it can always get better, yes, but I can't go on feeling like this, no matter the circumstances of my life.

I'm trying to figure out how to work from home. Or I don't know. I'd still love to do anything involving anatomic pathology, but working full time, 9-5 or perhaps otherwise would just be tiring. It just feels like I can't keep up with anything I have to do. Daily things like laundry or dishes, cooking, cleaning the car, getting gas, or shopping for groceries. I need a break.

I mean, clinical depression does make you very tired, but I'm also anemic and I have pkd so yeah...I'm extremely tired. Emotionally and otherwise.

Listen

We need to change the way we talk about mental illness in the United States. It is probably the worst thing we currently do as a society, and most don't even know it.

With the recent death of Kate Spade, I felt hurt. I don't like her perfumes, I could never afford her adorable journals, and I didn't even know she designed handbags, but I always feel a void when someone dies by suicide. A little less hopeful. A little more lost. And, with every comment made about it, a lot more alone.

Why is it a thing to say "mental issues"? What is that? We can't even call them what they are? llnesses. Disorders. Diseases. They're not "issues" for a lot of people. They're as real as any other physical disease. And I know that's cliché, but people don't seem to get it. Even when they mean well, mental illness is just an "issue" that people take their own lives over. Calling it that not only disguises the depth of these illnesses, but diminishes the struggle of those who have them. It also promotes the next problematic ideas.

Suicide is selfish. I try to understand this notion as best I can, I try thinking of it from a neurotypical's point of view, but I just don't get the absolute idiocy behind this sentiment. The vast majority of suicides are completed by people who are MENTALLY ILL. ie: They're not thinking like a normal person, that's kinda the problem. So when you think of killing yourself as a normal person, you think: "Hey, nothing in my life is really that bad. I get sad from time to time, but never enough to leave my kids/dog/parents/sister!" Yeah...but you're not depressed. You're not psychotic. You're not delusional. You don't hallucinate. You have control over who you are, and a great deal of control over how you feel and act. You also have a good deal of control over the choices you make and the way your life turns out. Congratulations! Again, and I can assure you, they're not thinking like a normal person. They're actually thinking everyone would be better off without them. They actually think they're a burden, and they're helping by offing themselves. Unless you've been there, you truly have no idea.

But they're still selfish, right? It's probably because they didn't have or turn to God in their lives. I love this one. With no other illness would we blame a lack of God. Your spine can develop outside your body, your pancreas cannot work, you might produce too much mucus, and none of that has anything to do with God. But if your brain, the most complex organ in your body, malfunctions in any way, that's because of lack of God. Ask everyone who goes to church - not ONE has a mental illness, right? Get it? You're bipolar because you're not singing enough hymns!

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Classic. Yes, there are some suicides that superficially stem from a breakup or recent situation, but first of all, you might want to look deeper because, again, a normal person wouldn't behave that way. Secondly, 90% of suicides are committed by those who had a diagnosable illness beforehand. Many who had struggled and fought and *suffered* for years -  decades - before. These problems aren't temporary, and they're certainly not easy. So can we stop with this dismissive and frivolous saying?

And can we just stop with accusing anyone who speaks about their mental illness as "seeking attention", or "using them as a crutch", or whatever else? I guess this is a thing with all invisible illnesses, but can we mention them (these things we struggle through EVERY DAY) without being ignored or dismissed or bullied? I don't get it.

Why are we talking like these types of illnesses don't even exist? It's hard enough to wade through the sludge of our diagnoses while trying to live a normal life. Why are our struggles then being completely ignored. It's absolutely demoralizing.

So, when someone kills themselves or complains about their strife, say you're listening. Commit to doing better for your loved ones. Mourn them as you would someone else who's life was taken from them via disease. This is real.

Rant - Education System

The biggest question when it comes to the U.S. education system is usually "Is it worth the (skyrocketing) cost?"

We'll cut that short. It's not worth the cost unless you're getting a practical or otherwise "in-demand" degree.

But that's not what has been on my mind about the whole mess of higher education. I think the whole thing needs to be overhauled. First of all, why, with the cost of courses going up every year, do we still require people to take general education credits? What is the value of a liberal arts/"well-rounded" education? For instance, why does a mortician (someone who plans funerals and cares for our dead) need to know how to solve linear equations and to simplify radical expressions? P.S: That's just math 1010!!!

Second, there NEED to be more options! One-size-fits-all will look good on a few people, but who the hell are we kidding when we think it will actually fit everyone? That never works - not in fashion, and definitely not in education. So why are there only vocational schools (that are looked down on for whatever reason) and, you know, college? What happened to apprenticeships? What happened to learning from a master? I'm finding out rather quickly that there are not a lot of opportunities for people who can't do the whole college thing. But why?

Third, it's a sneaky way to separate the rich from the poor. More and more apparent is that, as prices go up, only the wealthy and those willing and able to become indentured servants to the US government can "be educated" and earn that sweet, sweet diploma. Isn't that wrong? Shouldn't higher education be available to everyone at a reasonable price? I dunno. Gotta keep that bachelors degree valuable somehow...

Which brings us to the fourth point: It's built on lies! Your mom and dad probably didn't mean to screw you over by saying that a degree is the best, securest route to happiness and employment, but they're wrong. Maybe it was true in their time, but a degree won't get you jack $h*t a lot of the time these days. Ask the 2 people I know with JDs. Ask the Ph.D in chemistry guy I work with at an $11 an hour job. Ask the thousands of students who graduate with useless arts majors. Ask the more than half of college graduates working at a job that doesn't require a degree. Or look at the 8.9% unemployment rate of those with a bachelors.

It's the elephant in the room! Everyone knows it's broken! So why are we still doing this? It's not working for a lot of people. Nearly HALF of college students drop out before getting a degree. It's not working for HALF of us. The education system is greedy and useless. Let's bring apprenticeships back! Let's drop the dumb garbage from the required curriculum and save people time and money so they can work and contribute to society. Is that so much to ask?

Changes

It's been a while.

I got a full-time job at a factory nearby. It's so much better than the other factory job. It's a steady pace, time goes by so fast, and I have really good co-workers. They're really good or interesting people. They treat the employees very well.

Things have been good in that regard.

Socially and romantically, it's been a nightmare.

I'm just happy there are possibilities.