Lucky

 Alright. Big news. 

I got a job.  A good job.  In a HUGE lab. 

Stuff like this doesn't happen to me. Good things don't happen to me, or they end abruptly via complete random bs (see the 2020 preschool job tragedy and my EMT bag getting lost in time and space at the very end of the program). 

It even stated "Bachelor's Preferred" and my dumb self applied anyway, just taking a shot in the dark... and hitting the jackpot. 

As you know, there's almost no jobs out here. All that is available is poorly paid and not air- conditioned. I applied to a bunch of miserable- looking jobs and feeling really crushed under the stagnancy my life was taking on.  

Idk. It's nice having nothing to do, but having no money of my own is severely distressing. I feel powerless. Directionless. 

They called me back the next morning.  

Within 2 days, I took a bunch of tests, drove to a campus located right next to the lake. Scenic drive. Got a small tour, did an interview, thought I did horribly, but they liked me enough! I start on the 16th making more money than I ever have, it's a job I like, and one that actually uses skills from previous jobs!

I'm beyond excited. 

Welcome to 2021

 Hey friends! 

It's been a year. 

Things are pretty great! 

Firstly, I worked at a medical manufacturing company in Utah. I LOVED it. As much as you can love a "job". I enjoyed almost every coworker I had. I gave them notice when I moved and everything! I hope I can come back to them if I ever move back. For a short time, I also worked in a medical lab here in Louisiana accessioning covid samples for university admissions. That was rad!

Secondly, I've been back in New Orleans. It's so dang pretty here. I love how green everything is, it rains all the time, they have such cool animals and trees here. I've seen so much alligator roadkill. Everyone is waaaaay more relaxed and just less neurotic/high strung than Utahns (no offense to Utahns). It just feels like I'm learning to be a better person here. I'm learning to embrace myself and be less neurotic myself.

Third, I'm moving closer to the city soon. I'm nervous, y'all.  But I really want to go back to school.  That's the goal.  

Fourth, I left and came back to my boyfriend. We have issues, straight up, but only when it comes to arguing. It's very bad. Obviously I'm challenging to be with when I'm upset. He also has mental health challenges and he shuts down. Which further upsets me. It just doesn't work well. And we need counseling for that. Everything else is fine. Even when we're annoying eachother, it's like.. secure. I'm not sure how to explain. We're opposite in so many ways. I'm learning to be more patient and less uptight. It feels like it shouldn't work on paper,  but the commitment is there. Idk why he loves me, but I know he does. And that's big for me. He's also affectionate, which I personally love. 

Fifth, I found out Stephen got married and that our cat is living with his mom. Both surprises to me, but I understand entirely. And he seems sooo happy, and I'm so happy he can be with a comparatively normal girl, but totally his dream chick (looks/vibe wise at least), who will treat him well. Seems like they have a ton in common, and she seems to love him very much. He absolutely deserves that. I'm so relieved he gets a happily ever after! Poor guy has suffered enough. 

Sixth, I'm always horrified re-reading old posts/ journal entries. I came back to Facebook (in defense of Eminem against the murmurs of cancellation in the dark), and it's been kind of rough. I feel like, since I don't have kids, my politics don't lean right, and my posts aren't of happy things, people have blocked me from their feeds or something. And seeing some of my posts here, I probably don't come off the way I intend to. Facebook is like the only way I communicate with anyone and nobody is interacting with me. In short, Facebook is hard. And my brain is telling me nobody cares,  but I know some of you still read this blog (hi! You are gorgeous!). And that everyone is different and most people don't want to hear about sad things and death all the time. Thank you. And my apologies for the angst. 

Seventh, things are pretty dang good right now. There is forward momentum and opportunities. 2020 was pretty good to me, I'm lucky to say. 2021 has been even better so far!

I am not just the bad guy

You've been warned

I wish people would stop minimizing what he did to me.

I get that what I did was horrible. I truly get it and I'm so sorry. I didn't have the strength to leave. I didn't have anywhere to go. I still loved him, but I needed to feel loved back.

I remember nobody wanted me to marry him. Nobody but our 3 shared friends. And his bro seemed a little supportive. But nobody else. In fact my best friend of 15 years didn't talk to me anymore saying I "deserved better" (spoiler alert: she was right. As always).

But my parents seemed overly concerned with the fact that he didn't have a phone or car. Much more so than the fact that he had cheated on me. Not only had he cheated on me (while I'd be at work supporting us), but he never told me until 6 months later - AFTER taking my virginity and just before getting engaged.

Oh yes. My virginity.

I'm not sure how to explain it to someone who didn't grow up in the same household I did, but premarital sex was akin to murdering a newborn baby. Not acceptable at all and the worst sin by far. It was something I'd been heavily guilted into protecting with my life and something I'd been brainwashed into thinking was the "most precious gift I could give", only reserved for the man I'd marry.

So who better to give it to than my long-time friend who I'd fallen madly in love with? Who I now couldn't seem to breathe without? Who I was woefully obsessed with? Who made me laugh and enjoy life for the first time ever?

Of course this isn't to say he was deserving of all that. He was a terrible boyfriend to me, turns out. Yes, we played games and watched movies and he made me happy, but he didn't give me affection, really. He didn't want to kiss me sometimes, instead diverting to whatever show we were watching. He was pressuring for sex constantly, but was otherwise uninterested in me.

Oh and he had been messaging with his ex in front of my face. Which I allowed, because I was naive and felt secure in my first real relationship. Bonus, he was also sleeping with her behind my back.

I don't even think he knows how many times he did or why. Just because he wasn't getting any from me? Oh, but he was. 

Slowly, I'd be letting him lower my standards more and more. After all, this was the first guy who had ever showed interest in me, a girl with lower-than-dirt self esteem. I didn't really know how to say no, and half of me really didn't want to.

After about 3 months together, and after so much pressure, I felt like God was telling me it would be okay. This is the guy I'm going to marry.

He took it, knowing full well what I didn't - that he'd been cheating on me. The last time being, at most, 2 weeks before.

He took that "most precious gift" knowing something I didn't. Knowing he didn't love me. Knowing he had been cheating. Knowing I didn't know. And knowing how big of a deal it was to me.

I had no idea. In fact, I messaged his ex after realizing they kept messaging eachother and I told her she deserves the best and that she's beautiful. This was 9 months after they'd "broken up", and I figured she was still so hung up on him and she might feel he was choosing me over her. LOL - joke is on me!

Side note: she never responded to me, but frantically messaged Stephen asking if he'd said anything.

Nope! He wouldn't say anything for 6 months. Right as we were looking at engagement rings. Those 6 months were ignorant bliss for me except for the permanent, extreme health issues that cropped up after using a Plan B pill thanks to Stephen's mistake. 8 years later, I'm still experiencing health problems because of that pill.

But anyway... We'd been looking at rings for a few weeks and I think I'd picked one out when he finally told most of the truth: he'd cheated on me.

Now, he'd told me earlier that he merely groped his ex one night. I was crushed, but willing to forgive and move on. I had, in fact. But now it was that he'd cheated on me once. Which was also not everything. He'd cheated multiple times. Three that I could uncover with the obsessive email and messaging sleuthing that would follow.

I digress.

My world was shattered. I can't even begin to explain how hooked I was on this person. He was my favorite human being and my reason for living. I couldn't get myself to walk sometimes because the grief was so immense. I cried and cried and cried.

He only cried when I demanded he delete her. I'll never forget: "But I don't want to hurt her feelings." He protested. What about mine?!? Does anyone care about mine?!?

That should've been it. I should've left right then, but I didn't care enough about myself to leave. I didn't even want to leave because I loved him so much. I couldn't leave because I was supposed to marry him, I made that choice.

And that's how I justified all the pain I'd go through. I consciously and confidently made the decision to sleep with him. To sin. I deserve everything I get.

Shattered inside, I would read his messages to her. Here I'd been worried for her when they were mocking me behind my back the whole time. Once telling her: "Her body is nothing compared to yours." I felt ill. How could he let me make such a fool of myself? Messaging this girl who had been planning this all along? Who had apparently hated me since middle school for no reason??

Meanwhile I, pathetically, defended him to everyone. Basically every. single. person I knew was against us to some degree. They all knew better than I. There is and always has been good in Stephen, and that's what I chose to see.

Because I couldn't process what was happening, I just kept up with the plan. We're getting married, it's what I want to do. Its what I need to do.

He was doing other things I didn't like behind my back a lot. He wasn't buying me flowers or doing anything special for me. You know... All the generalized things that show a guy doesn't give af about you. But I didn't realize. He was my first boyfriend afterall. I didn't know what a good one was like.

What a lot of people don't know is that I actually did try to leave him once. I don't remember when it was, but I came to his house after work (as always), to find out that he'd been doing something he knows not to and I lost it. I threw my ring off, and was leaving, he grabbed me and I ripped his shirt (on accident, but he deserved it lol). He held me while I sobbed. He didn't want me to leave. I begged for a break at least. To "start over" and be in a new relationship that he hadn't cheated on me in. He refused. 

I wish I had the strength to stay gone. For both of our sakes. He didn't deserve what would happen, and I didn't deserve any of that.

Years of psychological anguish would follow. Years of feeling completely unloved and worthless. Years of trying to make myself feel better. Years of trying to heal our relationship.

Early after we got married, I went to his ex's house (TWICE) to bring her flowers and talk things out. I honestly am looney for that...I thought it would help me forgive. And it really did. I forgave Stephen easily. After all, he was some horndog teen making selfish decisions. Not unheard of. But it just kept hurting anyway.

That was a big BPD tip off to my psychiatrist. I kept telling her (this was 2 years later) that it still feels like it happened yesterday. He's forgiven. I'd forgiven his stupid ex... They've both definitely moved on, why do I still have to suffer?

I obviously felt so completely ugly and worthless. I always had, but something about your sun and stars imploding so magnificently like this just brings it to a whole other level.

The last thing I'd written in my journal before I met Armando was: "I don't feel like I matter to anyone".

What I did was so awful. What I did to Stephen, especially following Armando was horrible. I never felt like I was doing the right thing, I just wanted to feel better. I was putting myself first for the first time in my LIFE not caring about anyone but myself.

Nobody but the mental health professionals ever saw me as a victim, but I was. Especially during the divorce (which I initiated because I wanted him to stop being hurt by me), I am the bad guy and what he did is not nearly as bad because he and I didn't have a certificate of marriage yet. I don't understand those people. It's still us. Our history. Our relationship. How does what happened to me not count?

It never did...nobody related to me gave a single d*mn. The most anyone could verbalize was: "He hasn't served a mission yet" (not that he was EVER going to) and "He doesn't have a cell phone or car." What about he cheated on me and didn't tell me for 6 months? What about I'm so miserable and sick I've lost 50 pounds?

Sometimes it just feels like I am completely invisible as a human being with feelings, and people only see and acknowledge the physical shell/body.

What I did was completely awful. I feel horrible for it and always have. But that doesn't mean he is innocent. What happened to me was awful too. 

Pity Party #5721

Warning: This post is purely a pity party thrown for myself. Feel free to skip! No hard feelings.


This is something that's been on my mind as of late. Things just haven't been going well at all. Juan stopped working in the fall, and it kind of threw everything into a tailspin. I actually got a credit card, took out a bunch of loans, and tried everything I could to stay in our apartment.

Multi-millionaire Dave Ramsey, who I listen to multiple times a week, strongly advises against doing both of those things in a non-married relationship. I can now see why. Firstly, that's a lot of strain on a relationship. Secondly, it chains you to someone who could drop you any second and you'd be the one bound to those debts.

Yeah, but my bf would never dump me after everything he put me through. Yes, yes he would. Literally 2 days after I drove us here (maybe 30 hours of driving), we got in an argument and he kicked me out. I had literally nowhere to go. My closest relative is 6 hours away. He knows every relationship I have is strained, and that being homeless is my biggest fear. Also, I'll note that I never did that to him. Ever. Even when I hated him, I'd leave, and offer to buy bus tickets. You know....because that's someone I cared about.

So that hurts immensely, and has done a lot to remove any respect and sense of security I had left. Which wasn't much.

He moves here and his "depression" is magically cured, and he's working just fine. I just wish he would've been straight up with me about being homesick, instead of promising over and over again that he'd work. I would've obviously made different, much less costly decisions. Also, I can't get a job here. I've applied everywhere.

I want to go back just so I can start working again and get my life back. I feel like I've taken 5 steps backward. I worked so hard to get where I was. I had a decent job at a great company (with a strict attendance policy) and I'd been there for over a year (which is my best record!). I was really proud of myself, but lost everything. Now I'm thousands of dollars in debt with someone who could just leave me any second, apparently.

I just want to go to school again.

I never wanted anything from life except a career. Never desired children. I always thought there was "the one" out there, but didn't seek it out. Every relationship I've had, the guy made the first move. I just didn't really look forward to anything except a career.

I wanted to have a bachelor's by 21. I wanted to be really respected in the field (I wanted to be a crime scene investigator at the time). I wanted to write books and just wake up everyday loving my job and doing great at it.

Side note: Nothing makes me feel those warm fuzzies more than someone who is doing what they love/are born to do. Best garbage man in the world? Awesome. Naturally gifted at selling cars and it makes you happy to get up everyday? Awesome.

I am naturally curious and extremely thorough and relentless when I have questions. And, honestly, the only thing that's ever put a real fire in my heart is criminal justice/forensic science/forensic medicine. And that's saying a lot for someone who is like...dead to the world. Also I love blood!

So I feel like I was born to do death investigation. Whether it's as a coroner or autopsy technician, or something else, I just feel like I am settling for less if I do anything else.

That's why I tried everything.

I went to CNA school to try the forensic nursing route and found out I'm not comfortable with patients. I tried EMT school (twice!) because I figured most patients would be unconscious. That's not true, and my first teacher failed me because he didn't think I was good with patients. My second teacher said I have great bedside manner, but that I need to exude more calmness (which really broke my heart, because I felt like I completely hid the discomfort). Anyway, I had to go to the mental hospital and quit that second class.

Obviously I tried the criminal justice route and I went to mortuary school, which I thought was the golden ticket, but I hate embalming as a cultural practice. That, and working with grieving people is all the degree teaches......so I just didn't think it was worth all the effort to drive up to Salt Lake to the multiple campuses. I'm still open to it, if it would mean I could get a good job and wouldn't be stuck arranging funerals.

But anyway, I really did try everything I could think of to get where I wanted to be.

I really wanted a career, and I just feel stuck in a meaningless life now. As if God (if there is such a thing) hit me right where it hurts to just completely disable me from getting the one thing I wanted from life.

Even getting past the social issues, I'm completely unstable and neurotic. BPD infamously leads to multiple garbage relationships and poor familial and friendly ties. But also multiple job losses and changes.

It's just hard to feel like my life has any meaning at all.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Pretty recently, while looking at school stuff, I discovered a program that might be do-able. It involves becoming a histotechnician, and they basically take tissue (cancer tumors, livers, brain, etc) and look at them under microscopes to detect disease. It's pathology. And histotechnicians can eventually go to pathology assistant school and help with autopsies. In fact, with an associates alone, you can be a grossing technician, and they basically take the organs out of dead people. Which I would love!

You can choose that as a specialty, but the program is called medical laboratory science. Which they have in Utah, but it required so much math and chemistry, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I couldn't bother trying that. However, the program here requires what is Math 1030 in Utah, and only like 3 chemistry classes. Tops.

So I'm heavily considering this program. Also mortuary school. Also still health information management to become a trauma registrar and work on cataloguing ways people die. It's an alright alternative :)

So I haven't quite given up just yet, But I need to go to school soon, because my soul is dying being stuck like this.

Things change.

Sorry I was so angry, geez.

Things are so much better now. Stephen is regaining confidence and being himself again. I see how much happier he is. He is a great friend and always there for me. There is this girl he's been seeing who is everything he'd want, and she's way into him, so I hope that goes somewhere. He deserves to be happy.

We both decided that our relationship was haunted. He couldn't show affection without thinking of what he did and feeling like the gestures wouldn't be genuine. So he did nothing. In turn, I grew more resentful and hurt. I felt alone. I don't feel like I portrayed accurately how much of this is my fault too. Sure, he landed the first blows to our relationship (as an idiot 19 year old mind you), but I certainly finished it off in an ugly way. I am just as responsible for what happened.

However, the hard feelings are gone, and all I feel is remorse for hurting someone I care so much for. For unintentionally making him pay for something he did when he was not himself. I just wish him the best, and hope we can always be friends and co-parents to Millie.

My new relationship has been very difficult at times. I'm not used to someone voicing their opinions or disagreeing with me. I knew Stephen was easy to get along with, but I don't think I appreciated it as much as I should have. :)

Anyway, this is not as easy, but it is healthier. And I'm grateful for that. We're learning what works for us (because it's too easy to escalate everything). It's rewarding when we work through things.

It's almost my birthday and almost Thanksgiving (my favorite), so I'm happy now. This past 1.5 months has not been easy at all. I lost a really good job plus other things going on, but I'm so excited for the holidays. There is still so much to be grateful for.

When am I allowed to move on?

It is Juan's birthday, and he is spending it up here in Utah with me. We've been having a lot of fun! He got a good gig in construction almost immediately after getting here. He LOVES Utah!

I wish I could share my relationship more openly. I feel like everyone thinks I'm so psycho. My only supporters are my bffs from college! The idea of divorce was batted around since October, I started paperwork early January. Filed February 4th...is May too early?? I just can't get any support. Everyone was so worried and so against me being with Stephen. Now they're almost mad at me for divorcing him and "moving on". I can't win!

Btw, just because I believe Stephen and I are both happier doesn't mean I don't mourn our relationship. Of course I do! We had a lot of good things going, despite all the bad. We really did. I even miss some aspects sometimes, even though I'm with someone who treats me like a goddess now.

Because I never complained about my relationship, I guess they believe I just got tired of monotony, and ran off with the first steamy latino I could find. We had problems long before that. OBVIOUSLY. I think people love to brush past the fact that HE👏BETRAYED👏ME👏 Before we were even married! Because he was 19! I had NO self-esteem or self-respect and (a small thing here but) I'M MENTALLY F*CKING ILL, so I wanted him. I needed him. I literally didn't believe anyone else would want me, that I was supposed to be with the person I lost my Vcard to, that I deserved the punishment, that he loved me. Are you serious? Of course he didn't!

I wrote him a letter during therapy begging for affection. For time together. To sit next to me on the couch. Effort. Anything. I wrote it as sweetly as I could, because I really did love him and didn't want to pressure him. This was 2014?

Then I worked at DI, and there was this guy there who I attached to so fast. While I wouldn't have objected to a physical relationship, I really just liked that he talked to me. That he opened up to me about his struggles (with similar mental illnesses). Nothing ever came of that, but I don't see how that wasn't a GIANT red flag for anyone. Stephen and I chalked it up to: he fulfilled me emotionally and Stephen was incapable of doing so. Yup. Just threw in the towel there asap. THAT should've been time to put in work and maybe see a marriage counselor.

It was not long after I left there that my friend and I fell for eachother and I was profoundly changed for the better (personally, anyway. I know my life seemed to be flipped upside down). I'm so much more confident and happier since being with him.

Anyway...not sure where that rant was going. I'm just tired of hiding. When is okay? When is it okay to admit that 20 year olds make idiotic mistakes and we don't have to live with them forever? Stephen cheated on me when he was 19 years old. He lived with the consequences of those choices for 7 years. That's crazy!!! He shouldn't have to! If I had known and was not in a bad place myself? That relationship wouldn't have lasted 5 months. Here we've dragged it on for 7 years! Why?? There's all these psycho reasons, and only one good one - that we make amazing friends. Well...let's be friends and MOVE. TF. ON!

The Divorce

It was only $8!

It's weird because our friendship is still so strong. It's still enjoyable to hang out with him. Even moreso, now that I don't have an obligation to clean up after him!

He's been a lot happier, so that's good. In fact, that was the nail in the coffin: one morning, he just kept getting his feelings hurt, even when I literally did nothing. I think I rolled over in bed while he was talking at me from the bathroom, and it hurt his feelings. I was just done being the cause of that. Of his misery.

I watched for years as he changed into like three different people. The Stephen I dated (who SUCKED), the Stephen I married (who was awesome and actually himself), and the Stephen I divorced (a shell of a human being). He has just become so doubtful and scared and fragile. Not the Stephen I know. And that might be partially my fault.

I think he learned to walk on eggshells around me because I was so irritable with him. I grew that way over time because I resented him. That was on me completely. I tried EVERYTHING I could to forget what happened. I forgave him. I tried forgiving her (she never even acknowledged it happened, really). I was so desperate for the pain to go away, that I brought her flowers *twice*. So pathetic. It was just another humiliation at the time, and I had no self-respect at this point in my life. I had zero self esteem before, but dating Stephen made it worse because of things he would say.

We really had no business getting married. Everyone was against it. Everyone was against me, it felt. I defended him to literally everyone. I'd get yelled at, abandoned, gossipped about... It was difficult, but I wanted something to show for all my suffering. I wanted my prize, which was Stephen. I fought so hard for him, despite what little regard he held for me. I really loved him.

After everything, after we were married, his family still talked badly of me. They really have no idea how much I've gone through for him. His mom never liked me. Never even gave me a chance. It was heartbreaking. That was always a goal of mine - to have a good relationship with my MIL. He never really stood up for me to her. She even said at one point: "don't mess with my boys." Or something. Like bitch, I have lost so much fighting for him. Defending him to everyone. I was the catalyst for getting him from unemployed, mom's basement-dweller with no prospects to employed, going to college, and not living with his mom. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted him to be happy and productive. I wanted him to be the real Stephen (who is awesome). She was entirely dismissive of me from the very beginning. I'm actually SO happy I don't have to deal with that anymore!!!!!!!!!

I was dealing with constant nightmares and feelings of worthlessness for years. I grew angry and bitter and just became this person I didn't even recognize. And the whole time, Stephen just didn't seem to put any effort into helping that, or even just our marriage. I don't wanna make him look bad, so I'll just leave it at that. But I was growing resentful of him, and hating myself and being alive more and more. Yet, everyone was basically telling me to get over it. Everyone but psychiatric professionals, who called it "betrayal" - worse than cheating. I was just alone, fighting myself - by myself. It really, really didn't help that I have a condition that makes me feel things stronger than nueronormative people. Everything hurts more. We see negative things that aren't there in social settings.

Anyway, at almost 5 years of marriage, I was still so miserable. I really thought this was what I deserved, and as good as it would ever get. I thought hard about it often, and I really never wanted to have children with Stephen. I thought of living eternity with him, and I just felt alone, and like I'm the leader/boss in the relationship. I didn't want that. That's not me. And I felt so much pressure to be that throughout. But I still really enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was anything to be done.

Then, my friend fell in love with me. I didn't know until I woke up to some drunk texts he'd sent the night before. He was so embarrassed, but I enjoyed our time together too. We would just talk for HOURS about music and cats and videogames (He loves his little kitty and plays in a metal band). I really enjoyed the company, and moreso, I really enjoyed being loved. I had one short, very un-serious relationship before Stephen, so I didn't know what a loving or normal relationship was. I knew Stephen wasn't the best boyfriend ever as far as being affectionate went, but if I had only known how seriously lacking it was in all areas...It just never would've lasted so long. I see now that what we had wasn't love at all. And he admitted as much - that he didn't love me when he married me.

So...this was just a good thing all around. For Stephen, and for me. I will miss him as a very dear friend, but our marriage was just awful. Can I say that? Just felt one-sided and had a bad foundation that I was just tired of living with the consequences of.