Depression and PKD

So, I have informed every social media medium I have of this except for this blog, but I have PKD. I just found out a few days ago. I haven't seen the nephrologist yet, but it seems serious. From what I've read, when a cyst reaches 4cm, things start shutting down. My biggest ones are 3cm. I also happen to have a ton of them, they're septated, and from what I've read, I'm also at a strange age to get these. That's the internet for you!

Anyway, I'm still unsure how to handle this news or what to do about it. But when it comes to my depression, it seems to be worsening. A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago?), I was deeply suicidal (again). So I decided to take some new antidepressants. They seemed to work. There are some scary side effects that seem to be going away, but they work much better than my previous antidepressants.

Anyway, things were getting better. However, after learning about the implications of the disease, I started feeling a bit helpless and worried. I worry about how to pay for it, what it will do, and how I can/will die. So far, and it's only been a few days, it has caused some issues with family. They're scared, so obviously this will happen and that's obviously stressful for me. For the most part, everyone has been really lovely and supportive toward me and I just want to point out that I truly appreciate their prayers, love, concern, and help.

But I am starting to feel that way again. I sometimes think that maybe it would be good to just let myself die out. I'm not sure how long it would take because I have seen nothing about someone at my age with my level of severity. Usually babies or toddlers get it and die of it or get transplants (really severe). Middle-aged to older people get it and eventually need transplants or die of it. I'm 21 and, from what I've read, they're moderate to severe (depending on where you go). So...I don't know how long I have until I die or need transplants.

I occasionally wonder or secretly hope that it's God's plan. I know that's horrible and wrong and probably over-dramatic, but that's how it is. I don't want anyone to worry about it. I think it may just be mental illness talking and not me. I'm really unsure. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now.

And of course when I think of my mortality, things that shouldn't be trivial become that way and things that are trivial get magnified. I don't know. I'm just confused at this point.