Not sure anymore.

It's been awhile. I guess I've just been stressed and caught up in other things.
Today is no different. In fact, I don't know if I've ever felt so conflicted in my life.


Please note that what I'm about to say should not be a factor in any decisions you make. Ever. This is simply my view resulting from what I know, what I've experienced, and how I feel about it.

That being said, I'm really not sure if I want to be sealed anymore. I have been fantasizing and planning in my free time about my sealing to Steve. I have been looking at beige/champagne colored dresses (as this would technically be my second time, right?) and picking out colors, and was really excited at the prospect of a second wedding (one that isn't thrown together in a couple of weeks) and, much more importantly, being sealed for time and all eternity.

Today I followed a long trail of Youtube videos to my dream's demise. I was watching real crime documentaries, which lead somehow to polygamous wives, which eventually lead to hidden-cameras-in-temple-ceremony videos.

Where do I start? I had known that the ceremonies were a bit strange and they put me off a bit, but I figured it was other-worldly, and so are our origins, so of course it's going to be a bit strange. However, today I actually saw the ceremonies for myself, and I actually became distraught. It was so extremely cult-like to me. It just seemed so incredibly wrong. I went on to research a bit about the things that have been edited out, and those are even more wrong to me (making me ecstatic that they had edited them out). But why were they there in the first place?

I also took note that the video shown in the temple is in contradiction to what I was taught. I was taught that God created the Earth, but the video states that Jesus and Michael (who is Michael?) made the Earth. It also mentions that there are others like it - which I was happy about, because that coincides perfectly with science, not that it's required, but it's nice. Anyway, God asks if there are humans on the planet - painting him as not all-knowing, which is contradictory to what I had been taught.

I just cried. I am really heartbroken and now I know why they keep it a secret. Because people would get freaked out like me. If they just go in unknowingly, they have much more pressure to stay and go through the rituals.

I still believe in the Book of Mormon. No one can take that away from me because I've read it so many times and I have felt so many things, the least of which being comfort. I just don't know how much I believe in the church anymore, let alone the temple.

I am mostly just saddened because this was such an opportunity to make my mom happy. She deserves the very best and all she really wants is one of her children to get married in the temple and stay righteous. That's all she's ever wanted and now I don't know if I can give that to her. That saddens me impressively.

However, the worst part, I think, is not being sealed. Even though I'm questioning my belief in that notion itself, it's so extremely romantic and something I had always wanted growing up. It's hard to just let go of that entirely. I know he is my soulmate, and if there is such a thing as a sealing, I would want that more than anything. I just don't know if it's real or if I could even just get through the ceremony to please everyone.

I'm sorry for hurting anyone. If you have any questions or feelings of doubt, as always, pray! Don't take my word for it, nor anyone else's.