I want to be better.

I really can't stress it enough but, especially after this semester, I want to be better. People keep asking me what I'm up to and I respond with "absolutely nothing". I'm not doing a thing. I'm not volunteering, I'm not going to school, and I don't have a job.

All I have been doing is taking Stephen to school when he has it and decides not to ditch. I cook sometimes and I've sold my viola. That's about it. And while I love not having much of the regular stress, I have to admit that a different stress has been present. It's not the tearing-my-hair out, full-blown nightmares stress that I get from being employed, it's more desperate distress. It's quiet and constant.

I worry about how we'll get our next meal or gas money. I get mad at myself for not using my time for anything but relaxing or stressing about my near future and possible babies and my health. I'm not improving at all. I need to improve myself.

• I would like to improve my communication skills. Or at least I want to improve my anxiety around people. I have a difficult time wanting to hang out with my closest friends still. They're the best friends in the world and I love them but, especially because I care what they think and how they feel, it's draining for me. 

• I want to be more loving. To some people I seem like the most loving person on the planet, but I get in these fits of hatred for mankind in general. I am a pessimist at heart, unfortunately, so sometimes it is hard to look past the trespasses made against me and others. It's hard to forgive and, much more so, forget. It's irritating to know that lying is so common. It makes it difficult to trust anyone. And I don't want to be like that. 

• I want to be smarter. Who doesn't want to be smarter? Firstly, it would probably make it so I'm taken seriously. Oftentimes I say something - even about a field I'm knowledgeable in - and people discredit me entirely. It's frustrating and annoying because I'm not stupid about some things. I want some credibility.

• I want to be happy. I think that's a common goal. The only way to be truly happy is to do service, we all know that. I need to do more service. I want to study abroad or do some kind of service mission. 

• More than anything, I want to be inspirational. At least, I want to be someone people can feel comforted around or happy. If I could do that, my life would be complete. I have a long way to go, but my purpose would be fulfilled if I could change one person's life for the better for the right reasons. 

So, in closing, I'm really excited for January. Hopefully I can start a new way of life and make myself a better person. Happy Holidays!