Alright, I'm scared. I am. It literally terrifies me that I could die tomorrow. I realize I only have a 40% chance of having a brain aneurysm (not counting the blood clotting disorder - which I'm still mystified as to how it could affect this), but if I did, it ruptured, and I died, my life would've been so STUPID!
I'd have been in school the entire time. Trying to get to the point of loving and living life, but instead, it was just a big fat waste! And then there's the whole thing about people retiring in their 30's because of the fatigue...what do I do then? I may as well be dead because I'll just be some waste of space with no job or passion in life!
I've always wanted a career. I don't want to have to give it up. I don't want to get huge and feel horrible about my body without being able to do a DANG thing about it!!!
Pity party over. Thanks.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I get it now.
The whole body image thing. I've always, always heard people say that the "stars" are so made-up and fake. There is no way to attain their shapes. I always thought: "Yeah, cameras are magic, photoshop is magic, but some stars just look the way they do. It's fine."
But I didn't understand what they were really trying to say until just now. One of the most attractive ladies (to me) is Nicki Minaj. I even wished I had her figure at one point. And I was looking at some pics today (long story, longer search history train), and I saw some before and after fame photos.
And dang, she is not who she was. Her body is not hers. Everything has been amplified and redone. And, while I still admire her figure, I realize what everyone was trying to say. No, you really can't look like the "stars" until you have that kind of money and a will to look like the "stars".
Heck, even famous people without their makeup...they look like me! They have dark circles, just like me! Some have discolorations, wrinkles, cellulite, love handles...it's so bizarre. But I get it now.
But I didn't understand what they were really trying to say until just now. One of the most attractive ladies (to me) is Nicki Minaj. I even wished I had her figure at one point. And I was looking at some pics today (long story, longer search history train), and I saw some before and after fame photos.
And dang, she is not who she was. Her body is not hers. Everything has been amplified and redone. And, while I still admire her figure, I realize what everyone was trying to say. No, you really can't look like the "stars" until you have that kind of money and a will to look like the "stars".
Heck, even famous people without their makeup...they look like me! They have dark circles, just like me! Some have discolorations, wrinkles, cellulite, love handles...it's so bizarre. But I get it now.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
World Religions (1)
Well, it happened. My second day of class. And I gotta say, I knew this was coming, but I'm still not happy about it. Someone needs to tell these kids that this isn't a psychology class. We're not asking why these people believe what they believe. It's not a philosophy class, we're not trying to decide which ones are stupid and which ones are akin to which.
We're here to learn about other religions. Period. At least I am, and I certainly don't appreciate wasting 10 minutes after every concept to A) try and tie Mormonism into everything B) discuss in which ways these people are dumb for believing what they believe.
And I get it. I don't agree with Calvinists about 99% of what they believe, but I'm not gonna sit here in an academic setting and talk about how blown my mind is that they believe what they do. If you don't like it, just keep your trap shut. Normally, I don't say this - as I don't agree with it in most situations, but for this one? I'll say it as much as I please.
Ugh. Anyway, we learned some neat things about holism, humanism, deism, fideism, omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnibenevolence. It was pretty neat! We also learned a smidgen about karma and nirvana. Just a tiny bit. But I was really excited. If I wasn't LDS, I think I'd be some denomination of Buddhist. I mean, not quite, as I believe everything has a spirit, but I definitely believe we're all interconnected and that karma harms everyone as a whole.
Yes, I know I said before that I don't believe in karma and that's in the sense most people see it: "I do something bad, so something bad will happen to me later." But that's not quite how real karma works. As someone tries to break away from the whole and start focusing on themselves, they generate bad karma, and not only for his/herself, but for the entire whole. The goal is to reach nirvana, which is (in my words with my limited understanding) being to an extreme state of selflessness and understanding of suffering. At least that's my understanding of the Buddhist nirvana.
Anyway, I liked it other than the tomfoolery. Hopefully it won't happen again and they were all just nervous. Hopefully. I'm just there to learn.
We're here to learn about other religions. Period. At least I am, and I certainly don't appreciate wasting 10 minutes after every concept to A) try and tie Mormonism into everything B) discuss in which ways these people are dumb for believing what they believe.
And I get it. I don't agree with Calvinists about 99% of what they believe, but I'm not gonna sit here in an academic setting and talk about how blown my mind is that they believe what they do. If you don't like it, just keep your trap shut. Normally, I don't say this - as I don't agree with it in most situations, but for this one? I'll say it as much as I please.
Ugh. Anyway, we learned some neat things about holism, humanism, deism, fideism, omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnibenevolence. It was pretty neat! We also learned a smidgen about karma and nirvana. Just a tiny bit. But I was really excited. If I wasn't LDS, I think I'd be some denomination of Buddhist. I mean, not quite, as I believe everything has a spirit, but I definitely believe we're all interconnected and that karma harms everyone as a whole.
Yes, I know I said before that I don't believe in karma and that's in the sense most people see it: "I do something bad, so something bad will happen to me later." But that's not quite how real karma works. As someone tries to break away from the whole and start focusing on themselves, they generate bad karma, and not only for his/herself, but for the entire whole. The goal is to reach nirvana, which is (in my words with my limited understanding) being to an extreme state of selflessness and understanding of suffering. At least that's my understanding of the Buddhist nirvana.
Anyway, I liked it other than the tomfoolery. Hopefully it won't happen again and they were all just nervous. Hopefully. I'm just there to learn.
Monday, May 26, 2014
I'm grateful!
Believe it or not, I am grateful for things.
I know, I'm such a monstrous ingrate. How can I be grateful for anything? But it's true. I even have a blog (long since written in) about things I'm grateful for.
And I may have said this before, but I am grateful for forgiveness and apologies. Not many people seem to be fond of using either of these for some reason. But, when we use these, they're freeing. If you say you're sorry and you're actually sorry, how are your shoulders feeling? Lighter?
When you forgive someone, especially when they haven't said sorry...that's powerful. And amazing.
I'll admit, there have been two points in my life where I would really have liked an apology. It was actually hard for me to forgive, but when I finally did? Wow. I mean, it's still not perfect. I get mad sometimes, but for the most part, I've saved myself so much hurt and anger. God will handle it. Heck, maybe their own conscience will handle it.
But anyway, I'm grateful for these things. Hopefully we can all learn to use them way more often than we do.
I know, I'm such a monstrous ingrate. How can I be grateful for anything? But it's true. I even have a blog (long since written in) about things I'm grateful for.
And I may have said this before, but I am grateful for forgiveness and apologies. Not many people seem to be fond of using either of these for some reason. But, when we use these, they're freeing. If you say you're sorry and you're actually sorry, how are your shoulders feeling? Lighter?
When you forgive someone, especially when they haven't said sorry...that's powerful. And amazing.
I'll admit, there have been two points in my life where I would really have liked an apology. It was actually hard for me to forgive, but when I finally did? Wow. I mean, it's still not perfect. I get mad sometimes, but for the most part, I've saved myself so much hurt and anger. God will handle it. Heck, maybe their own conscience will handle it.
But anyway, I'm grateful for these things. Hopefully we can all learn to use them way more often than we do.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
It's in my dreams now/MANY ramblings
I didn't want to say this before, because I hate complaining like a wimp, but I have been feeling like utter puke for the past while...like...two weeks.
I mean, this entire year started out in a rather crappy way. We had to move, I ran over the sweet stray cat we were taking care of, I had to give up my own baby to the shelter, we were trying to find housing in this awful market, and I was still learning to cope with the diagnosis. Still am, in fact. People and their interactions with you change a lot when you find out you're sick. I mean, like...chronically, and it's not always in a good way.
I got really terrible grades again this semester. I mean, I got a B in Mortuary Science, but C was my highest grade in the other classes. Man, my lowest grades used to be B's at Snow. I mean, I failed a 1 credit class, but my GPA was stellar. I don't know what's happened.
So anyway, crappy year. But then we started going to church literally only because the bishop said he wanted to see us. And then it just became habit. We really liked seeing him. And, cliche, but our lives got better after we started going to church. I know, everyone says that, but I actually saw the difference. I thought we were happy, but after going to church, we just started being happier. Maybe it was the spirit, maybe it was the fact that someone cared about us so much (the bishop really liked seeing us and was so nice), maybe it was feeling like we belonged (kinda, we're still the odd couple in the ward), but things changed for the better.
I've been learning to actually deal with the shock of my diagnosis. At first, I inadvertently ignored my feelings, because I was too happy to be vindicated. Every doctor ignored me and dismissed my concerns, but finally one of them said to get a CT scan. He was blown away and hadn't even heard of PKD, so I doubt he was expecting results, but I was just so grateful that he listened to me! Still am! But it was time to face the music: this isn't going away. It was bad news.
It's often hard for me to feel bad for myself because we know someone who suffers from Cystic Fibrosis - which is a nightmare. But then there are days where I feel it. I feel sorry for myself. I get so sore after working like...2 hours. I always thought it was my weight, even when I was 154 pounds. I have the pain and the fatigue. But I'm not even sure it's PKD yet. I think it's just the depression. And I know it will get worse. My stomach will get bigger and bigger, my back will hurt more and more, the kidneys will squish other organs and cause issues, they'll begin to fail and cause other issues, and it's all just the worst.
That's the worst part of PKD. Not the aneurysms, the kidney failure (and all it's fantastic symptoms), the heart issues, the hernias, the UTI's, the pain, or the fear of what's to come, it's the fact that it's progressive.
Anyway, it can really knock a girl out. Knowing that things will get worse. Pressuring yourself to enjoy your already-ailing body while you can because it will deteriorate from there. I mean, many PKD people stop working in their 30's because of the pain. I feel like I'm pushing myself now and I only work like...maybe 9 hours a week! Why even go to school?
Anyway, now I'm just trying to get into my program and that's a lot of stress. I'm just stressed! Marriage is awesome, but it's work sometimes. School is a HELL of a lot of work. Having my anxiety is taxing to say the least, and my body is breaking down. Everyone wants me to be happy and hang out and do this and do that and I just want to stop. I just want everything to be done and I want to live. I am relatively healthy now! I want to enjoy life now! In a perfect world, I'd have a small, beachfront house in Oregon and live with my husband and my cats, and be a part time coroner technician.
But alas, I'm sick. I will never stop being sick. No matter what. And I guess all of this nonsense has amounted to snakes in my dreams. Many types of snakes everywhere. This time there was a flood coming and we picked one up and it flared out some cobra things and spat acid. None of them attacked us.
According to dream interpretations, this could mean many different forms of: you're overwhelmed. And I am. I really am.
I mean, this entire year started out in a rather crappy way. We had to move, I ran over the sweet stray cat we were taking care of, I had to give up my own baby to the shelter, we were trying to find housing in this awful market, and I was still learning to cope with the diagnosis. Still am, in fact. People and their interactions with you change a lot when you find out you're sick. I mean, like...chronically, and it's not always in a good way.
I got really terrible grades again this semester. I mean, I got a B in Mortuary Science, but C was my highest grade in the other classes. Man, my lowest grades used to be B's at Snow. I mean, I failed a 1 credit class, but my GPA was stellar. I don't know what's happened.
So anyway, crappy year. But then we started going to church literally only because the bishop said he wanted to see us. And then it just became habit. We really liked seeing him. And, cliche, but our lives got better after we started going to church. I know, everyone says that, but I actually saw the difference. I thought we were happy, but after going to church, we just started being happier. Maybe it was the spirit, maybe it was the fact that someone cared about us so much (the bishop really liked seeing us and was so nice), maybe it was feeling like we belonged (kinda, we're still the odd couple in the ward), but things changed for the better.
I've been learning to actually deal with the shock of my diagnosis. At first, I inadvertently ignored my feelings, because I was too happy to be vindicated. Every doctor ignored me and dismissed my concerns, but finally one of them said to get a CT scan. He was blown away and hadn't even heard of PKD, so I doubt he was expecting results, but I was just so grateful that he listened to me! Still am! But it was time to face the music: this isn't going away. It was bad news.
It's often hard for me to feel bad for myself because we know someone who suffers from Cystic Fibrosis - which is a nightmare. But then there are days where I feel it. I feel sorry for myself. I get so sore after working like...2 hours. I always thought it was my weight, even when I was 154 pounds. I have the pain and the fatigue. But I'm not even sure it's PKD yet. I think it's just the depression. And I know it will get worse. My stomach will get bigger and bigger, my back will hurt more and more, the kidneys will squish other organs and cause issues, they'll begin to fail and cause other issues, and it's all just the worst.
That's the worst part of PKD. Not the aneurysms, the kidney failure (and all it's fantastic symptoms), the heart issues, the hernias, the UTI's, the pain, or the fear of what's to come, it's the fact that it's progressive.
Anyway, it can really knock a girl out. Knowing that things will get worse. Pressuring yourself to enjoy your already-ailing body while you can because it will deteriorate from there. I mean, many PKD people stop working in their 30's because of the pain. I feel like I'm pushing myself now and I only work like...maybe 9 hours a week! Why even go to school?
Anyway, now I'm just trying to get into my program and that's a lot of stress. I'm just stressed! Marriage is awesome, but it's work sometimes. School is a HELL of a lot of work. Having my anxiety is taxing to say the least, and my body is breaking down. Everyone wants me to be happy and hang out and do this and do that and I just want to stop. I just want everything to be done and I want to live. I am relatively healthy now! I want to enjoy life now! In a perfect world, I'd have a small, beachfront house in Oregon and live with my husband and my cats, and be a part time coroner technician.
But alas, I'm sick. I will never stop being sick. No matter what. And I guess all of this nonsense has amounted to snakes in my dreams. Many types of snakes everywhere. This time there was a flood coming and we picked one up and it flared out some cobra things and spat acid. None of them attacked us.
According to dream interpretations, this could mean many different forms of: you're overwhelmed. And I am. I really am.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
It got got.
Well, getting sealed sure is nice. The plan is to go through with it in October. I was thinking October 14th. Hopefully, anyway. I'm still kinda shaken by the price tag, but my wedding dress doesn't fit anymore (thanks, 30 new pounds of fat!). So...if I get that sold, it would offset the expenditure and I'd feel a bit better. But I love this dress so much. When I first saw it, I knew it was the one.
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| Oh, you want another one? |
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| Just one more? |
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| Okay, one more. |
But that's all you're getting until the professional photos come in/get taken!
I'll be honest.
I'm probably WAY too excited about my World Religions class.
I mean, I wanted to take it. It's not required. At first I figured: "Well, this will be useful if I end up as an undertaker." And then I thought: "Well, I don't know anything about other religions and I should. Everyone should know something about other religions." And now it's like: "Oh my goodness, I can't even freaking wait to learn about this stuff!!!"
And it's not like I'm looking to adopt another religion as my own, but perhaps the philosophies of other religions. So far, I've had a tiny, cursory look at both Buddhism and Sikhism, and I already really like some of their teachings. Mainly, Sikhism's view that God is infinite and occupies and manifests himself in everything. I'm not sure I can agree that he does not have a finite form, but it really doesn't matter. I just love their views on suffering as well. That it isn't created by God, but tolerated so we can learn from it.
And Buddhism? I love the garb, the beads, and the concept of nirvana. I wish I could obtain such a state of being. That would be awesome. I also admire a lot of the teachings of Buddha. He doesn't say: "control your feelings" like a lot of idiots do, but "control your thoughts" - which is much more difficult, but also much more important as thoughts can often exacerbate or even initiate sad, angry, and hurtful feelings. And it's not like feelings are inherently bad, it's what you do with them and what you let them do to you.
I wish I could have such selflessness in my life and I would really like to adopt some of these philosophies to better myself. Also, I'm really excited to visit their temples and have a small taste of what's up with the world around me. It seems so small right now and definitely self-centric. I have hope for change, I guess :)
I mean, I wanted to take it. It's not required. At first I figured: "Well, this will be useful if I end up as an undertaker." And then I thought: "Well, I don't know anything about other religions and I should. Everyone should know something about other religions." And now it's like: "Oh my goodness, I can't even freaking wait to learn about this stuff!!!"
And it's not like I'm looking to adopt another religion as my own, but perhaps the philosophies of other religions. So far, I've had a tiny, cursory look at both Buddhism and Sikhism, and I already really like some of their teachings. Mainly, Sikhism's view that God is infinite and occupies and manifests himself in everything. I'm not sure I can agree that he does not have a finite form, but it really doesn't matter. I just love their views on suffering as well. That it isn't created by God, but tolerated so we can learn from it.
And Buddhism? I love the garb, the beads, and the concept of nirvana. I wish I could obtain such a state of being. That would be awesome. I also admire a lot of the teachings of Buddha. He doesn't say: "control your feelings" like a lot of idiots do, but "control your thoughts" - which is much more difficult, but also much more important as thoughts can often exacerbate or even initiate sad, angry, and hurtful feelings. And it's not like feelings are inherently bad, it's what you do with them and what you let them do to you.
I wish I could have such selflessness in my life and I would really like to adopt some of these philosophies to better myself. Also, I'm really excited to visit their temples and have a small taste of what's up with the world around me. It seems so small right now and definitely self-centric. I have hope for change, I guess :)
“Many of the world’s problems, conflicts and fears arise because we have lost sight of the common experience that binds us all together as a human family.”
~ HH, the Dalai Lama
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Going Green.
As I was sitting on the toilet today just looking about, I realized that my bathroom looks much different than it used to years ago. Goat's milk soap in the soap dish, peppermint castile soap in the dispenser, Yes to Carrots conditioner, Nature's Gate pomegranate and sunflower body wash, and an empty bottle of Giovanni tea tree triple treat shampoo. I have just recently bought 98% pure aloe vera gel to use as a moisturizer, raw honey as a cleanser, and tea tree oil as an acne treatment.
How did I get here? I can't even remember why I started changing everything out. I remember trying the shampoo because I was fed up with every dandruff shampoo (every dandruff shampoo) on the market and that was literally the only thing left. What the heck? It can't possibly hurt.
In fact, it helped a ton. NO dandruff after a few days of this stuff. It had to be a miracle. The castile soap was to be used as an alternative to stinky chemical products (and to free me from the constant fear of mixing lethal chemicals). And the rest just...happened.
I'm still not onto green deodorant (I've tried a few, but nothing has worked yet) or toothpaste, but I think it's only a matter of time. I have some green cleaning products now that I really like. Some day, I'll be able to make my own deodorant, shampoo, soap, and cleaning products! For now, I'm really liking my new skincare routine and I'm excited to try my new shampoo bar (to save on plastic!).
I LOVE finding new products that work! It can be hard (again, still haven't found a good deodorant), but extremely rewarding to know that the earth can take care of you and you can take care of the earth! And look good and feel productive at the same time!!! Who knows? You're probably saving money too!
How did I get here? I can't even remember why I started changing everything out. I remember trying the shampoo because I was fed up with every dandruff shampoo (every dandruff shampoo) on the market and that was literally the only thing left. What the heck? It can't possibly hurt.
In fact, it helped a ton. NO dandruff after a few days of this stuff. It had to be a miracle. The castile soap was to be used as an alternative to stinky chemical products (and to free me from the constant fear of mixing lethal chemicals). And the rest just...happened.
I'm still not onto green deodorant (I've tried a few, but nothing has worked yet) or toothpaste, but I think it's only a matter of time. I have some green cleaning products now that I really like. Some day, I'll be able to make my own deodorant, shampoo, soap, and cleaning products! For now, I'm really liking my new skincare routine and I'm excited to try my new shampoo bar (to save on plastic!).
I LOVE finding new products that work! It can be hard (again, still haven't found a good deodorant), but extremely rewarding to know that the earth can take care of you and you can take care of the earth! And look good and feel productive at the same time!!! Who knows? You're probably saving money too!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Obsession.
Okay, so I don't know what it is, but I am obsessed with having an Over the Hill party. I want to do one while it will be funny and not sad. Like...by the time I'm 40, I will be exhausted, self-conscious, panicky, or possibly dead.
So I'm trying to figure out when I will die. I figured I could do that by looking at all the excised kidneys on the interwebs and seeing how big those puppies are. I know that anyone could die any day, but we're assuming I live to die of kidney failure. Anyway, you should know, when kidneys "reach a critical size" the function declines rapidly from then on and you're getting ready to transplant or whatever.
Knowing this and looking at the sizes of the kidneys that have been removed, they tend to be anywhere from 23 cm to 34 cm. There is a pair that is GIANT, but I have not seen or heard of any close to the size of that one pair, so we're discounting that. Now take into account that multiple studies say 31 cm to 34 cm is considered critical. That's when you have to get them out.
Multiple studies also say that kidneys grow about 5% or more per year and that they grow at a steady pace per individual. So age of diagnosis is 21 years and the left kidney, Frankie, is 14 cm. Do a little math 5x10 = 50%. 50% of 14 cm = 7 cm. 7 cm every 10 years for kidney growth. With me?
SO, by kidney growth standards, at 41 years old, Frankie will be 28 cm. At 51 years old, Frankie will be 35 cm. I will die between 41 and 51 years old (most likely 45 or 46) - unless plans change and I do dialysis and/or transplant.
So that was fun! Let's do it again sometime!
P.S: So looking forward to this!!!
So I'm trying to figure out when I will die. I figured I could do that by looking at all the excised kidneys on the interwebs and seeing how big those puppies are. I know that anyone could die any day, but we're assuming I live to die of kidney failure. Anyway, you should know, when kidneys "reach a critical size" the function declines rapidly from then on and you're getting ready to transplant or whatever.
Knowing this and looking at the sizes of the kidneys that have been removed, they tend to be anywhere from 23 cm to 34 cm. There is a pair that is GIANT, but I have not seen or heard of any close to the size of that one pair, so we're discounting that. Now take into account that multiple studies say 31 cm to 34 cm is considered critical. That's when you have to get them out.
Multiple studies also say that kidneys grow about 5% or more per year and that they grow at a steady pace per individual. So age of diagnosis is 21 years and the left kidney, Frankie, is 14 cm. Do a little math 5x10 = 50%. 50% of 14 cm = 7 cm. 7 cm every 10 years for kidney growth. With me?
SO, by kidney growth standards, at 41 years old, Frankie will be 28 cm. At 51 years old, Frankie will be 35 cm. I will die between 41 and 51 years old (most likely 45 or 46) - unless plans change and I do dialysis and/or transplant.
So that was fun! Let's do it again sometime!
P.S: So looking forward to this!!!
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| Of course I'm not serious. |
Monday, May 5, 2014
Side Note:
I guess I should also say that, despite all this nonsense going on between the church and I, I obviously believe in the gospel and the teachings of my savior; Jesus Christ. If I didn't, I'd be outta here like a bat outta Hell. Just in case it wasn't apparent, I wanted to point this out.
ALSO: I just finished my MORT 1010 final!!! Next step? Long, arduous application process!!! Wish me luck and/or pray for me!
ALSO: I just finished my MORT 1010 final!!! Next step? Long, arduous application process!!! Wish me luck and/or pray for me!
Really hate some things...
The church has been the cause of many great and many horrible things in my life. Well, it may not be the original source of the horrible things, but because of it being in my life, I've had a lot of pain that could have just not been in my life.
Right now my bone to pick is our sealing process. We've been seeing our bishop since January. Now, I've tried to see a few bishops for awhile now and I just ended up not going anymore because I wasn't ready to shape up. I had a lot of anger and resentment toward the church. But recently, I figured I was over it.
I thought I was over all the pain. I had been a diligent disciple up until I left for college, yet even during that time, the church was causing turmoil in my life. I stopped going. I didn't need church, I read the scriptures all the time. I knew what I knew. I knew what I still know - my testimony of the gospel and my patriarchal blessing. But, for some reason, it took a turn for the disastrous and I was no longer a diligent disciple. I was, in fact, fallen.
The worst thing in my life happened. One of the perpetrators went on to get married in the temple. I couldn't believe someone could get into the temple without being sorry for that kind of thing.Yet, it happened. That infuriated me. Then I realized that it had to happen all the time. Two people close to me went through the temple and lied their way in. The previously mentioned person must have lied her way in. Someone else close to me watched porn right up until he left for his mission. So...he lied or they let him in anyway.
So why? WHY do Stephen and I have to pray day and night, pray together, read scriptures personally and together, and all of this other stuff that these people obviously didn't have to do? It's completely unfair and I don't see the point. In fact, I think praying more than what's necessary is praying in vain, and God said he doesn't listen to those and they're useless.
And I'm tired of seeing my bishop every week. Why? So I can tell him that I didn't do what he asked again? I mean, I believe in sealings. I think the ceremony is a little odd, but I believe in them. I just do. So yeah, I want to be sealed, but maybe I'm just still sore about all of this. I can't believe all these people got to go through the temple and I can't because I'm upfront and honest??? How does that even work?!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
My sadness.
Okay, so I have depression. It's always like...moderate, but I get bouts of severe depression and those are a nightmare. I have tried a couple of antiDs, and none of them worked or at least they didn't work for long.
But you know what? I'm pretty sure it's because my depression isn't organic. I think it stems from my actual anxiety disorder - for which I once took Clonazepam and it was amazing other than the serious side-effects. How could you not be depressed when you're afraid of everything?
I used to worry about global warming 24/7. I worried about getting old, any and all types of social interaction, and so many other things that I don't wish to share because I'm pathetic, really. But my point is: how can you not be depressed when you can't even be yourself? Something that comes so easily to others. I know people get nervous, but I doubt everyone gets light-headed, heart racing, throat-closing, and terrified!
It's not even terrified. There aren't any emotions involved for me at first, really, it's just physical. Purely physical. And I guess the embarrassment comes from the awkwardness following that kind of reaction. I really hate it. It's probably the most frustrating, confining, limiting thing that will ever happen to me. It is, in every sense of the word, a disability and it really messes with my life. I hate it.
Anyway, just a realization/vent.
But you know what? I'm pretty sure it's because my depression isn't organic. I think it stems from my actual anxiety disorder - for which I once took Clonazepam and it was amazing other than the serious side-effects. How could you not be depressed when you're afraid of everything?
I used to worry about global warming 24/7. I worried about getting old, any and all types of social interaction, and so many other things that I don't wish to share because I'm pathetic, really. But my point is: how can you not be depressed when you can't even be yourself? Something that comes so easily to others. I know people get nervous, but I doubt everyone gets light-headed, heart racing, throat-closing, and terrified!
It's not even terrified. There aren't any emotions involved for me at first, really, it's just physical. Purely physical. And I guess the embarrassment comes from the awkwardness following that kind of reaction. I really hate it. It's probably the most frustrating, confining, limiting thing that will ever happen to me. It is, in every sense of the word, a disability and it really messes with my life. I hate it.
Anyway, just a realization/vent.
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