We're probably annoying.

I was reading my husband's email (a bad habit formed because of a bad experience) recently. There is usually nothing new in there and, if I'm okay with the title and who it's from, I don't read it anyway. This occasion was no exception to the routine.

However, I was bored and I noticed he still had our chats saved, so I took a looksie. After reading only a few conversations, it dawned on me that we're probably one of those really annoying couples. Every other sentence was "I love you SOOO much!" or "I miss you SOOO much!" or some other variation. There were a few "I'm sorry"s because Stephen apologizes needlessly for small mishaps and mine are because I get stern at him sometimes for no reasonable reason.

I thought of how nearly all of my profile pictures on Facebook were of us. It's been that way since...our second month of dating? I was just dead in love with Stephen, and I still am. I still miss him intensely, even when he's only gone for an hour or so. I can't stay mad at him for long - and I'm a pro at that. There isn't much I'd like to "fix" or change about him. I want to have physical contact all the time. I still like to take G-rated showers together when it's possible. I'm just still very much in love.

And I'm thinking that could be really annoying. We've been together for almost 3 years now. I was told I'd eventually "get over" that phase. I see it happening with my friends. Not to assume they're not in love or even just as much in love, they're just not annoying about it. They have their own personalities, their own space, and they have their own Facebook pictures of themselves or friends and family. They can handle being by themselves for 5 seconds. They're adults.

Even though I realize my bond to Stephen may be unhealthily attached or otherwise clingy, I don't want it to change. I love knowing I can count on him for anything. I hope I can give him the supreme joy that he gives so freely to me. I love Stephen to the most obnoxious level ever!

Happily Exhausted

I woke up at about 3am today. This was after sleeping for 12 hours. Before then, I'd been obsessing over some stupid event coming up (maybe, I still have hope that it won't happen). To give some context, I have an irrational fear about everything. It's kinda the point of my mental illness. It usually only goes to the extent of not being able to sleep because I have something scheduled the next day (be it work, school, whatever), I'll occasionally get nightmares, and we can't forget about my signature avoidance.

Today, this event was the only thing on my mind. I'd had a nightmare about it. When I slept again I had nightmares about it. I could hardly sit still and I was ready to throw up. Actually throw up. This is the most severe reaction I remember having (at least when no one was around).

Anyway, when I woke up, I found that I was exhausted...And I love it!

I am just too exhausted to worry about anything, let alone this disastrous event coming up. And now I'm just thinking I'd be a lot less miserable if I didn't care as much about people. Don't get me wrong, you can never care too much about people. But the care I'm talking about is less Mother Theresa and more...I don't even know. I want to know everything about everyone I meet. I want to know their likes, dislikes, dreams, strengths, weaknesses, whatever. I can't stand it when people aren't open to me. It's like rejection. And, even when they are open, I'm not satisfied. I still want to know more. I also hate it when someone lets me in (or is in the process of it) and they just "leave me". Be it geographically, socially, or otherwise, it's also like rejection. To exacerbate this, I don't trust anyone anyway.

And the worst part is that I KNOW that's nuts! I KNOW that's unhealthy and stupid and irrational. Yet I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I just think I'd be happier if I wasn't crazy.