Happily Exhausted

I woke up at about 3am today. This was after sleeping for 12 hours. Before then, I'd been obsessing over some stupid event coming up (maybe, I still have hope that it won't happen). To give some context, I have an irrational fear about everything. It's kinda the point of my mental illness. It usually only goes to the extent of not being able to sleep because I have something scheduled the next day (be it work, school, whatever), I'll occasionally get nightmares, and we can't forget about my signature avoidance.

Today, this event was the only thing on my mind. I'd had a nightmare about it. When I slept again I had nightmares about it. I could hardly sit still and I was ready to throw up. Actually throw up. This is the most severe reaction I remember having (at least when no one was around).

Anyway, when I woke up, I found that I was exhausted...And I love it!

I am just too exhausted to worry about anything, let alone this disastrous event coming up. And now I'm just thinking I'd be a lot less miserable if I didn't care as much about people. Don't get me wrong, you can never care too much about people. But the care I'm talking about is less Mother Theresa and more...I don't even know. I want to know everything about everyone I meet. I want to know their likes, dislikes, dreams, strengths, weaknesses, whatever. I can't stand it when people aren't open to me. It's like rejection. And, even when they are open, I'm not satisfied. I still want to know more. I also hate it when someone lets me in (or is in the process of it) and they just "leave me". Be it geographically, socially, or otherwise, it's also like rejection. To exacerbate this, I don't trust anyone anyway.

And the worst part is that I KNOW that's nuts! I KNOW that's unhealthy and stupid and irrational. Yet I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I just think I'd be happier if I wasn't crazy.