Know Thyself

I've had a difficult year. I feel like every year is difficult. It seems like I find the perfect combination of medications, and then they just stop working as well. Or, more commonly, I try something new and my IBS-C gets exacerbated or I develop sexual side effects. Always. Antidepressants are not friends.

The worst part of the medication-Russian-roulette is that I think I'm better. I always think I'm so close to normal or free. I feel like I can be myself. But, honestly, I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't really know what is delusion or depression. I don't know what is my feelings or just whatever the pills decide.

I hate thinking about things I've done under different medicines. I hate that I always claim I'm better and everyone gets so excited for me, and then mere months later, I'm in the hospital for being suicidal. Everyone is on the roller coaster with me - anyone who decides to stay on, anyway.

I know two things about me  - I have a lot of love to give and I'm passionate about social causes/reform, and I am infatuated with death investigation.

That's about it, I've realized. Everything else seems fluid. My feelings aren't the same from one hour to the next. My thoughts are under constant attack from negativity and suicidality. I have to be dilligent to keep from ruining my own day with terror-filled thoughts of the future/failure or self-defeating thoughts of my minor, day-to-day shortcomings.

It's a lot of work to try to be this bland, mildly depressed, shy person. My only other option seems to be a hot mess. But, with all of this, with all of this medication, hospitalization, and therapy, I just want to be free to be myself - whatever that is. I don't want to be afraid of any one person or social situation. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be afraid or shy. I just feel like I have so much love to give. Like, to a socially-awkward degree. I feel like I'm this brilliant, burning star sealed beneath a self-created tomb of pure, unadulterated fear of nothing.

Stability would be nice. New Years is coming, and it's a wonderful opportunity for renewal. It's quickly becoming my favorite holiday (as all the others seem to have become a mess after marriage). Maybe I can make a goal to figure out who/what I am besides a lover of all things death and just a plain 'ol lover anyway. A secret plain 'ol lover. I want that to come through more, too.