In My Heart

Hello. It's been a short while. Things have been a bit different as of late, in ways both exciting and devastating. At least I feel something though.

I haven't been to work much since going off antipsychotics. They're trying so hard to help me, but I sabotage their efforts voluntarily and involuntarily. They want me to see a psychiatrist so I can get medicated and hopefully work a proper schedule again. I want that too, so very badly. However, I am not at all interested in trying more medicines. I'm just done. The only ones that have worked are so bad for you. The side effects are unbearable. At least with what little I'm on now, I know what to expect. The whole situation makes me absolutely miserable to think of.

And I've gotten so angry lately. It's definitely different from sadness. It's not emptiness. It's new. I just don't want to be a victim anymore. A victim of what I am. My life is out of control, whether I'm trying to control it or not. I'm mad that I've wasted so much time trying to fit the mold of others. Of healthy people. I've had a lot of time to think about what I really wasn't and what I don't want. I don't want kids, I've never truly wanted them. I wish I stopped going to college sooner. Sometimes I wish I never got married, and will never marry. I want to be sterilized. I want tattoos. I love coffee. My life would be so different if I didn't listen to or try to please anyone. I realize that I still hurt so deeply from things people closest to me did. Things that can't be changed, and should be accepted by now. But I don't think I'll ever stop hurting, honestly.

But that's where the good(?) news comes in: I've fallen in love with another man. Not to say that I'm any less in love with Stephen, just that I love two people. Life has been interesting again. Maybe even good. He treats me so well and he supports me emotionally. He cheers me up when I'm sad (or at least tries very hard to). He compliments me constantly, and showers me with affection. He's the good boyfriend I never had. We have a lot in common. Most importantly, he makes me feel like I have worth. He, without trying, is slowly patching up the broken pieces of my heart and my psyche. I love him. I'm really not sure where it could ever go, but I'm just enjoying it for now.