Hola!

I've been getting a lot of views. Hmmm....

Anyway, I just watched Mulan for the first time in a few years. It is one of my favorite Disney movies with one of my favorite Disney princesses; Mulan. Though I doubt she really counts. I also like Esmeralda, but she's not a princess either. I guess I'm just not a princess type of gal.

Well, I shed a few tears. I'm not sure if it was the moving, extremely powerful music score or the story itself and the commentary on women's oppression, but wow. I don't remember being that moved. But it did remind me of how...feel-y I am.

My patriarchal blessing says I'm "pure of heart" but I think that's just a nice way of putting it. You know, I have been so sad lately because I feel like I'm alone. I have these health challenges that no around me seems to have or know about. They run my life, yet I can't talk to anyone because a) no one cares or b) they have their own problems to worry about.

Add that to the fact that my interests and hobbies are different and my style of communication is off-putting. People call it "TMI", but I call it being upfront. I value honesty right up there with compassion at the highest level. But that's a rant for another day. Other than that, I actually have a mental disorder. I don't know why, but I get super anxious just talking to people. My heart races, my head gets foggy...I mean, I get headaches after going to church for 3 hours.

Anyway, I was just feeling so alone and I'm glad this movie got to remind me (in a completely inappropriate and embarrassing way) that I am pure of heart. I'm proud of that. It's all I got. I'm not exceptionally talented, charming, beautiful, or smart, but I have a good squishy bit in my chest that makes me cry during movies made for children.

Steve needs to be a dad.

Today is one of those days where I want to have a baby. I won't, because I'm not that crazy. Yet. But, Steve would make the cutest babies and he'd definitely be the best father in the world! He's already a favorite uncle because he's just naturally amazing around kids. Go figure.

I'm sure it will leave soon, but I can just see Steve and me, Joanna, Asher, and Bug (the pug). Happy family. :)

It's PKD Awareness Month.

Celebrate.

Funeral Home Tour!

It was pretty cool! The prep room smelled very Vick's Vapo Rub-y. And apparently formaldehyde could be carcinogenic. I stood right next to a pre-embalmed body! My hip could've bumped the table and caused a scene, I was that close. And I didn't feel nervous at all. I was feeling a bit iffy about my mortuary science major earlier when they were all talking about meeting with family and making arrangements and stuff, but if I could just embalm, I'd be a happy freaking camper.

There was also a man in the viewing room. He looked so amazing. They really do good work. I kinda wished I could have met him. His casket was so white, pristine, and classy, and then there was this cute stuffed monkey in with him. I wonder what he was like.

I saw some cool eco-urns. They had one made out of cornstarch and one made out of earth salts. Dang, caskets are pricey!!! And who would buy a metal casket?!

Anyway, the weirdest part for me was the crematory. I didn't love being in there because it was loud and hot, but it smelled so good. Like sweet, but not rotting flesh sweet, it was just plain sweet. Like a fancy waiting room. I also got to see someone who had just been cremated. It was just their bone fragments, but it was really amazing to know that that used to be a living person and now all you see of them is rather large bone fragments.

I liked it! It was at least very interesting.

I don't want to repost...

I look good in black, huh?! It's a sign.

http://futureundertaker.blogspot.com/

I love Steve!

I know I've made a few of these posts - the bulk of which are in my old blog, but I can't help myself.

I love Stephen. More than anything in the world. He's my best friend. We've been through so much in such a short time and, while I'm not always grateful for my health challenges and our rough patches from the past, I think they've brought us closer together. We don't fight about anything "normal" (ha!) couples fight about - most likely because we've faced worse. I know we can make it through anything. I love knowing that we'll be together forever. We are soulmates. I know it.

I am actually grateful for challenges! Sometimes. :)

I'm trying to make decisions.

But it's hard.
Making final decisions is hard, but I think it best I make them now before my brain gets fogged by pressure, emotions, or judgement from others.

I know I'm definitely not getting a transplant. If I live long enough to experience ESRD, I'm just gonna go with it. I don't have any interest in taking 30+ pills a day (30?) that cause cancer and other serious complications when I have a much higher chance of throwing a clot and losing the transplant. If they'll even consider me for such a thing with my blood.

I'm still unsure whether or not I want kids. Some days I want one, other days I just don't. I know I could get judged for that, but I don't have a lot of energy or patience - and those things are required for good parenting. I've never loved  being around kids or babies. But babies and kids are cute and Stephen would make the best babies. I think we'd make okay parents. I don't know if I'll be around to raise them.Oh yeah, there is the whole 50% chance of passing PKD on...

I'm not sure what to do about work. My back hurts more when I'm employed. Standing, bending, stress... I don't want to sit around all day, but I do want to be a productive person. I want a cool job, preferably. I want to get a degree in something I like and hopefully would be able to do for years. I hope it can be something I love (like mortuary science, forensic science, or something with a similarly high chance of working with bodies and making a difference). I'm not sure though...my back has been hurting a lot and I don't have long shifts.

What's most important to me is spending time with Stephen and having a great life - as long or short as it may be. We're gonna go to the beach all the time, go on cruises, Seaworld, Disneyland, India, Africa, and we'll have tons of cats and a dog or two.