Music is a sport

I should explain first that I took piano lessons for about 12 years. I played viola for 10 and took a few years of lessons in there. So, this is not coming from someone who doesn't appreciate music or wasn't good at  it.

Given that, I have to say that I really hate the underbelly of the music world. Percussion is a little different from all the others, so I don't know how that is, but I know with singers and other musicians, it's always a competition. "I have to have first chair." "I have to be section leader." "I have to sound better than everyone else."

It's always about comparing and lesson history and practice time. No one really appreciates another, it's all about being better than all of them. Being the best.

I never learned to read music. Piano music is definitely a goner and viola has it's own clef, which I was eventually able to translate into 'the placement of this note means this finger goes there'. I was never able to figure out the time measurements or how much time value notes got. Luckily, I have ears and was able to listen. That's how I got by. I learned to associate this section of what I heard to this section of what may as well have been Chinese (notes). Even better, my memorization for such things was prime.

Some people called it talented, but it was more of a curse. I always knew I could never be as good as I had potential for because I couldn't learn to read music. Musicality was there - many times, by many teachers and audience members, I was called "talented". Many people's favorite aspect was my viola vibrato and my piano flow or "emotion". My college conductor said it was a shame I couldn't take more lessons because I had "raw talent" and he could tell I had been listening to a recording because I was "doing wonderful things with the music".

As I was saying, musicality was there, but as soon as I exploited all that I had, I was done. As soon as I had no one to listen to, I was nothing (other than what I could play from memory, things I'd heard a million times, and things I made up). I eventually reached that point with viola. Professional music was as good as it got but, when I revisited it after not being in school for mere months, some parts of the music were foreign to me. I couldn't remember how those parts went.

I am just one of those many unique players on the basketball court of music. Raw talent, but unable to improve after a point. That's just me, against all these other players with all these other catches of their own. But it is that competitive and I wish we'd all just appreciate all the different musicians for what they bring to the table, rather than eat each other up (or worse, eat ourselves up) over trying to be the best. Be your best and, more importantly, enjoy the music.

I want to be better.

I really can't stress it enough but, especially after this semester, I want to be better. People keep asking me what I'm up to and I respond with "absolutely nothing". I'm not doing a thing. I'm not volunteering, I'm not going to school, and I don't have a job.

All I have been doing is taking Stephen to school when he has it and decides not to ditch. I cook sometimes and I've sold my viola. That's about it. And while I love not having much of the regular stress, I have to admit that a different stress has been present. It's not the tearing-my-hair out, full-blown nightmares stress that I get from being employed, it's more desperate distress. It's quiet and constant.

I worry about how we'll get our next meal or gas money. I get mad at myself for not using my time for anything but relaxing or stressing about my near future and possible babies and my health. I'm not improving at all. I need to improve myself.

• I would like to improve my communication skills. Or at least I want to improve my anxiety around people. I have a difficult time wanting to hang out with my closest friends still. They're the best friends in the world and I love them but, especially because I care what they think and how they feel, it's draining for me. 

• I want to be more loving. To some people I seem like the most loving person on the planet, but I get in these fits of hatred for mankind in general. I am a pessimist at heart, unfortunately, so sometimes it is hard to look past the trespasses made against me and others. It's hard to forgive and, much more so, forget. It's irritating to know that lying is so common. It makes it difficult to trust anyone. And I don't want to be like that. 

• I want to be smarter. Who doesn't want to be smarter? Firstly, it would probably make it so I'm taken seriously. Oftentimes I say something - even about a field I'm knowledgeable in - and people discredit me entirely. It's frustrating and annoying because I'm not stupid about some things. I want some credibility.

• I want to be happy. I think that's a common goal. The only way to be truly happy is to do service, we all know that. I need to do more service. I want to study abroad or do some kind of service mission. 

• More than anything, I want to be inspirational. At least, I want to be someone people can feel comforted around or happy. If I could do that, my life would be complete. I have a long way to go, but my purpose would be fulfilled if I could change one person's life for the better for the right reasons. 

So, in closing, I'm really excited for January. Hopefully I can start a new way of life and make myself a better person. Happy Holidays!

I love college.

Okay, so we all know I'm not good at it but, regardless, I really love college.

I had signed up first thing for my mortuary science 1010 class, then I signed up for a required communications class (ew). But then I had a couple of free spaces. At first, I really wanted - and still want - to sign up for the EMT basic course so I could learn a lot of important stuff and be eligible for licensure. Unfortunately, the timing was a little inconvenient and the location was even more so.

SO, I went scouring for classes I could possibly want to take. There were a few interesting ones, but they were all at bad times (due to taking the bus, anything before noon would be bad, and anything multiple times a week is bad). However, as I was scraping the bottom of the barrel - I was actually considering Tongan, the language class - I found this Doula and pregnancy preparation class!

I of course had to look up what a Doula was. Then I noticed that you can become licensed as one! Good class timing, it's interesting, and you can get a professional licensure. Sign me up! So I did. As soon as I import my classes from Snow, I can sign up for human biology as well which isn't as interesting, but more relevant to my career path.

Anyway, there was a Zumba class, a Scuba class, a Bellydancing class, World Religions, Sacred Traditions, and that EMT class as well. College is awesome. I can't wait to learn!

Life is really...

Dumb and irritating. But interesting and lovely sometimes.

Like a test.
Just like a test.

Living the lifestyle I have right now, I have plenty of time to think about my relatively short, probably miserable life. I get to think about just how neat and delicate it is to have a body that works properly. One little thing could mess with everything. The body itself is a system of systems and, if one part of one system fails, it could have intense repercussions for other systems.

I get to think about the very permanent, very far-reaching consequences our choices and actions have on ourselves and others. I get to be frustrated about the injustices and joyous about the victories - even and especially the small ones. I see how dumb grudges, fights, and hard feelings are. I see how miraculous childbirth is and how magnificent death can be. I get to realize growth and progress through the fires of adversity. I appreciate and envy when someone enjoys what they do for a living.

It's frustrating, taxing, often rewarding, and definitely eye-opening. How is this not a test?

Sleep...

I'm just not going to try to have a normal sleep schedule anymore.

I'm not too stressed, because literally all I'm dealing with is being flat broke, having a freakishly messed up body, and my wonderful marriage. I have no job, no school, and no donating anything. While I'm still rather stressed, it's not to the point where it would mess with my sleep (ie: nightmares about work, not getting REM sleep from worry about not getting up in time for work, not being stressed from interaction).

Anyway, it's been very bad lately: sleep at 8:30am or so, wake up around 4pm or 5pm. Well, today I went to sleep at around 8:30am and woke up 12 hours later. Ugh.

Hate It!

• I really hate pressure. It's why I would never be a salesperson and why I hate salespeople. I don't like people trying to force me to do anything, let alone to be one way with my womanhood over another - if I want babies, I'll have babies. If I want a career, I'll get a career. If I want both, I'll do both. It's none of your business and HUSH!

• I really hate lack of upfrontness. It's a word now. I can't even begin to handle it when people lie to your face. I hate it when they talk about you behind your back. I hate when they make assumptions when they could just as easily ask you about their concerns. I hate it when they say something is okay to your face and get angry about it, often holding onto it like a grudge. I hate asking upfront questions and getting vague, lame answers.

• I hate when people put cold drinks next to hot food. Do you know how physics work?

• I can't stand it when people think young people "think they know everything", especially when it's "because I did the same thing." Excuse me? Am I you? When have I claimed to know everything? Get out.

• Prideful piety. Oh, give it a break. 

• I hate when people are not aware of other people's feelings.

• Hypocrites. STOP it. Just stop. Don't be sleeping around and go to church pretending that you're white as snow. Don't watch gay porn and hate on homosexuals. Don't go around thinking you're better than everyone else.

• I hate it when people drive slowly because I have intense road rage.

• I hate it when people are shallow. Don't be that way.

Well, those are all the annoyances I can think of for now. May I become more patient and forgiving.

Saying Goodbye.

Well, not many people read this blog, so I feel safe mourning my loss here. I can't tell anyone else just yet because I know they'll be upset, but today I said my final goodbye to one of my dearest friends.

You brightened many dark days. You helped me have a memorable middle school and high school experience. You brought such dynamic and meaningful moments into my life and you frequently healed my dying soul. You gave me confidence when everything else was tearing me down. You made me feel true joy and, at times, frustration. I was not always nice to you, and I'm sorry for the scars, but you were always there for me. You will remain in my heart. I hope you are now bringing such experiences to others who can appreciate them. I am excited to learn of your fate and future triumphs. You'll go far, I know it.

My First Viola
2008 - 2013

"If music be the food of love, play on." - William Shakespeare