Well, I failed out of school again.
This doesn't mean I can never go back. It doesn't mean I can't go somewhere else. It just means I probably can't go back to my current university. At least for now.
The thing is, I don't think I should go back. I don't think I'm capable of pushing myself through a number of math classes, in addition to everything else. I'm too depressed. On the other hand, I keep thinking "you're gonna let a few math classes get in the way of your dreams?"
I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. Being a therapist sounds nice, but what if it's too much socially? What about all the money it will cost to do everything? What about that horrific math? What about graduate school? What if it's like most every other job I've had and it's too stressful? I just don't know if going to college was ever a good idea.
But now that I'm not in it, I feel so worthless. I don't know what to do. I'm scared we'll not have enough money. I'm scared about making my loan payments. A degree would've offered security for me. Maybe. What job would I have gotten? What degree, even? I don't know. I didn't know. And I've spent about $30,000 getting nowhere.
Maybe this was for the best. I just don't know what to do now.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Monday, December 26, 2016
Know Thyself
I've had a difficult year. I feel like every year is difficult. It seems like I find the perfect combination of medications, and then they just stop working as well. Or, more commonly, I try something new and my IBS-C gets exacerbated or I develop sexual side effects. Always. Antidepressants are not friends.
The worst part of the medication-Russian-roulette is that I think I'm better. I always think I'm so close to normal or free. I feel like I can be myself. But, honestly, I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't really know what is delusion or depression. I don't know what is my feelings or just whatever the pills decide.
I hate thinking about things I've done under different medicines. I hate that I always claim I'm better and everyone gets so excited for me, and then mere months later, I'm in the hospital for being suicidal. Everyone is on the roller coaster with me - anyone who decides to stay on, anyway.
I know two things about me - I have a lot of love to give and I'm passionate about social causes/reform, and I am infatuated with death investigation.
That's about it, I've realized. Everything else seems fluid. My feelings aren't the same from one hour to the next. My thoughts are under constant attack from negativity and suicidality. I have to be dilligent to keep from ruining my own day with terror-filled thoughts of the future/failure or self-defeating thoughts of my minor, day-to-day shortcomings.
It's a lot of work to try to be this bland, mildly depressed, shy person. My only other option seems to be a hot mess. But, with all of this, with all of this medication, hospitalization, and therapy, I just want to be free to be myself - whatever that is. I don't want to be afraid of any one person or social situation. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be afraid or shy. I just feel like I have so much love to give. Like, to a socially-awkward degree. I feel like I'm this brilliant, burning star sealed beneath a self-created tomb of pure, unadulterated fear of nothing.
Stability would be nice. New Years is coming, and it's a wonderful opportunity for renewal. It's quickly becoming my favorite holiday (as all the others seem to have become a mess after marriage). Maybe I can make a goal to figure out who/what I am besides a lover of all things death and just a plain 'ol lover anyway. A secret plain 'ol lover. I want that to come through more, too.
The worst part of the medication-Russian-roulette is that I think I'm better. I always think I'm so close to normal or free. I feel like I can be myself. But, honestly, I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't really know what is delusion or depression. I don't know what is my feelings or just whatever the pills decide.
I hate thinking about things I've done under different medicines. I hate that I always claim I'm better and everyone gets so excited for me, and then mere months later, I'm in the hospital for being suicidal. Everyone is on the roller coaster with me - anyone who decides to stay on, anyway.
I know two things about me - I have a lot of love to give and I'm passionate about social causes/reform, and I am infatuated with death investigation.
That's about it, I've realized. Everything else seems fluid. My feelings aren't the same from one hour to the next. My thoughts are under constant attack from negativity and suicidality. I have to be dilligent to keep from ruining my own day with terror-filled thoughts of the future/failure or self-defeating thoughts of my minor, day-to-day shortcomings.
It's a lot of work to try to be this bland, mildly depressed, shy person. My only other option seems to be a hot mess. But, with all of this, with all of this medication, hospitalization, and therapy, I just want to be free to be myself - whatever that is. I don't want to be afraid of any one person or social situation. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be afraid or shy. I just feel like I have so much love to give. Like, to a socially-awkward degree. I feel like I'm this brilliant, burning star sealed beneath a self-created tomb of pure, unadulterated fear of nothing.
Stability would be nice. New Years is coming, and it's a wonderful opportunity for renewal. It's quickly becoming my favorite holiday (as all the others seem to have become a mess after marriage). Maybe I can make a goal to figure out who/what I am besides a lover of all things death and just a plain 'ol lover anyway. A secret plain 'ol lover. I want that to come through more, too.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Still Happy
It seems like my blog has become a mental health blog. But it is what's in my brain, so...
I just wanted to note how happy I am right now.
Just because I'm better-medicated, doesn't mean I'm always happy. I still experience emotions, just not as deeply or as often. They also don't shift so much so quickly. I'm stable, you know? In fact, yesterday, I was very sad and very hopeless. I was dreading my future all day. It wasn't a good day, but I didn't get suicidal. Okay, I may have thought of it as an option, but it was a fleeting thought.
Anyway, that's over now. I'm pretty happy today. And I'm so thankful. I'm even thinking of getting a job soon. My sleep schedule is SO off, and I get so tired sometimes, but otherwise I feel so great! I feel prepared to try again.
I don't feel alone, despite having a more serious diagnosis now. I feel free. I feel like I'm more boring, but also less crazy. I can be me, right? I don't know. I'm just happy!! I feel GOOD!!! Thanks!
I just wanted to note how happy I am right now.
Just because I'm better-medicated, doesn't mean I'm always happy. I still experience emotions, just not as deeply or as often. They also don't shift so much so quickly. I'm stable, you know? In fact, yesterday, I was very sad and very hopeless. I was dreading my future all day. It wasn't a good day, but I didn't get suicidal. Okay, I may have thought of it as an option, but it was a fleeting thought.
Anyway, that's over now. I'm pretty happy today. And I'm so thankful. I'm even thinking of getting a job soon. My sleep schedule is SO off, and I get so tired sometimes, but otherwise I feel so great! I feel prepared to try again.
I don't feel alone, despite having a more serious diagnosis now. I feel free. I feel like I'm more boring, but also less crazy. I can be me, right? I don't know. I'm just happy!! I feel GOOD!!! Thanks!
Monday, October 24, 2016
I can breathe
It's hard to describe how things have changed since the antipsychotic.
I didn't realize how dissociated I was. I watched as my life happened, but I wasn't in any sort of control. I didn't realize how powerless I was over my mind. I thought feeling things everyday as if they happened yesterday was normal. For instance, I still lived in 2012. It was impossible for me to not drag up Stephen's infidelity and "chew" on it all day every day. Just let it gnaw at me. The feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and deep, unrelenting sadness took over, and I would be miserable (Keeping in mind, we were only dating at the time, and he's a much different, better person now). It was so masochistic. So disproportionate. It wasn't even a choice. Of course I'd want freedom. I wanted to forget, but couldn't. Now, when it ever does come to mind, I have a choice to not think more of it. The raw, searing pain is gone, and it's just something that happened years ago. It's in the past - where it belongs. It really is just a thought, and not something I've unintentionally breathed life into to torment me for the rest of the day. I have control. I have power. I have peace. Finally. And that's just the most prominent example! I don't think of slights or negative interpretations of things people have said or done. I don't cycle the "whys" and "what ifs" behind them. I can let things go! I'm free!
My marriage, obviously, is happier. I don't get annoyed at nothing anymore. My choices no longer feel like they have life and death consequences. It's okay to not have things "just so". People are more tolerable. My life is in my hands (for the most part). It's a whole new world at my fingertips! I can think, I can feel, and I can react on my own terms.
For the most part.
There has to be a catch, and my (very affordable) price to pay is a dulled imagination. Things have less color in my mind. It doesn't feel as realistic. Sleep is not as deep. I don't have to sleep as much (a good thing)! In fact, I feel restless often. It's hard to go to sleep at night. My legs are antsy. I get bored SO easily. My body also has a couple of issues typical for medicine that makes you feel better, but it's worth it.
I'm so happy. I'm SO happy my psychiatrist thought of this treatment and diagnosis. I'm learning so much, and I feel so much better. I don't really get too depressed at all, you know? It's amazing! I feel amazing! I just wish I'd found this sooner. Thank you. It's a miracle!!!
I didn't realize how dissociated I was. I watched as my life happened, but I wasn't in any sort of control. I didn't realize how powerless I was over my mind. I thought feeling things everyday as if they happened yesterday was normal. For instance, I still lived in 2012. It was impossible for me to not drag up Stephen's infidelity and "chew" on it all day every day. Just let it gnaw at me. The feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and deep, unrelenting sadness took over, and I would be miserable (Keeping in mind, we were only dating at the time, and he's a much different, better person now). It was so masochistic. So disproportionate. It wasn't even a choice. Of course I'd want freedom. I wanted to forget, but couldn't. Now, when it ever does come to mind, I have a choice to not think more of it. The raw, searing pain is gone, and it's just something that happened years ago. It's in the past - where it belongs. It really is just a thought, and not something I've unintentionally breathed life into to torment me for the rest of the day. I have control. I have power. I have peace. Finally. And that's just the most prominent example! I don't think of slights or negative interpretations of things people have said or done. I don't cycle the "whys" and "what ifs" behind them. I can let things go! I'm free!
My marriage, obviously, is happier. I don't get annoyed at nothing anymore. My choices no longer feel like they have life and death consequences. It's okay to not have things "just so". People are more tolerable. My life is in my hands (for the most part). It's a whole new world at my fingertips! I can think, I can feel, and I can react on my own terms.
For the most part.
There has to be a catch, and my (very affordable) price to pay is a dulled imagination. Things have less color in my mind. It doesn't feel as realistic. Sleep is not as deep. I don't have to sleep as much (a good thing)! In fact, I feel restless often. It's hard to go to sleep at night. My legs are antsy. I get bored SO easily. My body also has a couple of issues typical for medicine that makes you feel better, but it's worth it.
I'm so happy. I'm SO happy my psychiatrist thought of this treatment and diagnosis. I'm learning so much, and I feel so much better. I don't really get too depressed at all, you know? It's amazing! I feel amazing! I just wish I'd found this sooner. Thank you. It's a miracle!!!
Friday, September 30, 2016
BPD
Maybe labels are bad?
I'm already having trouble trying to further validate or throw away the diagnosis. Accuracy is so important and, with such a stigmatized disorder, I really want to make sure it fits before really embracing it. People keep saying that "everyone experiences BPD differently" (there's even a clinically-respected "Quiet BPD" type). And while I sometimes feel like it fits well enough, I sometimes feel like I'm missing key elements.
There are 9 criteria listed in the DSM. For a professional to heavily consider diagnosis, you have to meet 5 or more of those criteria. They are:
Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by friends and family.
Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation—“I hate her.” This is also sometimes known as "splitting."
Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.
Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.
Suicidal and self-harming behavior.
Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.
Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.
Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity, or “out of body” type of feelings—and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.
#1: Yes. As far as my conscious knows, I don't have this at all. I know my family wouldn't abandon me. Though I wonder if the reason I don't endeavor to make friends is because I don't want to be rejected. Then again, I've always thought it was because it's a lot of "work" to keep friends, and "hanging out" is really scary and tiring for me. Then again with friends and others, it feels impossible to be completely myself, though I want it so badly. Maybe my brain won't allow it, in order to protect from me being rejected. Like...maybe I'm not even consciously aware of this going on. EDIT: After a lot more education, it turns out that I definitely have this. I read a story about a BPD patient who felt the same exact way I do about weddings/people getting married. Turns out, we don't like getting replaced. It is abandonment/rejection for us. And my theory of pushing people away to avoid rejection is a very common theme. Again, I feel childish for this, but it's just nice to learn more about what really makes me tick. Everything is beginning to make more sense. I'll post again soon.
#2: Yes? At first this made sense to me. With many people, it felt like I would dislike them and then like or even love them again after a single gesture and vice versa. But it never went to a degree where I'd literally hate or be purposely vindictive toward anyone. I'm not sure if hate is necessary though (annoyance or dislike is sometimes used). But "black and white thinking" is definitely no. No one and no situation is either all good or all bad. EDIT: After talking with Stephen, and researching more about what "splitting" actually is, we decided I do this. It's embarrassing and seemingly childish, but knowing it's a common defense mechanism helps.
#3: No. I have a consistently poor self-image, and I know who I am.
#4: Yes. Long stories, but it should be clear that drugs and promiscuity are not part of them.
#5: Yes.
#6: Yes, but... I worry it's my other things. But then Sandra said that having this doesn't mean I don't have the other things. There are definitely swings and irritability, but...I don't know!
#7: Yes, but... what if it's my other things? I'm almost constantly bored, but I just thought it's because no one likes what I like and we don't talk about what I like ever. And I obviously feel empty.
#8: Yes.
#9: Yes. Except for the sense of identity option. That's never been an issue.
So I'm confused. The first three symptoms (the only ones I'm unsure of or defintiely don't have) seem very distinguishing and important. I'm a bit worried about the stigma attached. These symptoms seem so childish. And I feel childish that I even experience them. And a lot of people with BPD in popular articles seem like very manipulative, messed up people (I have little sympathy for people who sleep with married people). But we'll keep going with the treatment and see if it helps.
I'm already having trouble trying to further validate or throw away the diagnosis. Accuracy is so important and, with such a stigmatized disorder, I really want to make sure it fits before really embracing it. People keep saying that "everyone experiences BPD differently" (there's even a clinically-respected "Quiet BPD" type). And while I sometimes feel like it fits well enough, I sometimes feel like I'm missing key elements.
There are 9 criteria listed in the DSM. For a professional to heavily consider diagnosis, you have to meet 5 or more of those criteria. They are:
#1: Yes. As far as my conscious knows, I don't have this at all. I know my family wouldn't abandon me. Though I wonder if the reason I don't endeavor to make friends is because I don't want to be rejected. Then again, I've always thought it was because it's a lot of "work" to keep friends, and "hanging out" is really scary and tiring for me. Then again with friends and others, it feels impossible to be completely myself, though I want it so badly. Maybe my brain won't allow it, in order to protect from me being rejected. Like...maybe I'm not even consciously aware of this going on. EDIT: After a lot more education, it turns out that I definitely have this. I read a story about a BPD patient who felt the same exact way I do about weddings/people getting married. Turns out, we don't like getting replaced. It is abandonment/rejection for us. And my theory of pushing people away to avoid rejection is a very common theme. Again, I feel childish for this, but it's just nice to learn more about what really makes me tick. Everything is beginning to make more sense. I'll post again soon.
#2: Yes? At first this made sense to me. With many people, it felt like I would dislike them and then like or even love them again after a single gesture and vice versa. But it never went to a degree where I'd literally hate or be purposely vindictive toward anyone. I'm not sure if hate is necessary though (annoyance or dislike is sometimes used). But "black and white thinking" is definitely no. No one and no situation is either all good or all bad. EDIT: After talking with Stephen, and researching more about what "splitting" actually is, we decided I do this. It's embarrassing and seemingly childish, but knowing it's a common defense mechanism helps.
#3: No. I have a consistently poor self-image, and I know who I am.
#4: Yes. Long stories, but it should be clear that drugs and promiscuity are not part of them.
#5: Yes.
#6: Yes, but... I worry it's my other things. But then Sandra said that having this doesn't mean I don't have the other things. There are definitely swings and irritability, but...I don't know!
#7: Yes, but... what if it's my other things? I'm almost constantly bored, but I just thought it's because no one likes what I like and we don't talk about what I like ever. And I obviously feel empty.
#8: Yes.
#9: Yes. Except for the sense of identity option. That's never been an issue.
So I'm confused. The first three symptoms (the only ones I'm unsure of or defintiely don't have) seem very distinguishing and important. I'm a bit worried about the stigma attached. These symptoms seem so childish. And I feel childish that I even experience them. And a lot of people with BPD in popular articles seem like very manipulative, messed up people (I have little sympathy for people who sleep with married people). But we'll keep going with the treatment and see if it helps.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
New Diagnosis
I'm excited and anxious at the same time!
Today, I was supposed to get my Buspirone doubled and an antidepressant (yay). I wasn't looking forward to it, but was happy to get more Buspirone! It really helps with general anxiety symptoms. Sandra is a blessing. She seems to know everything. Nearly every medicine she's prescribed has worked really well for me. So today, when I was telling her some experiences I had this week, she asked: Do you know anything about BPD?
Not really. I'd heard of it in social work class, but...yeah. She prescribed an anti-psychotic as I told her more. She got out her DSM and we went through it. Yeah. Borderline Personality Disorder. I had more than 5 of the 9 symptoms needed to make a diagnosis. And now I'm looking at it myself. It makes sense. Lots of things are beginning to make a lot of sense. Of course, it has a very high co-morbidity of depression and anxiety disorders.
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
I think we found the final puzzle piece.
I'm seriously going to cry. I'm so grateful there is a chance at normalcy now that we've finally figured out what's going on.
Today, I was supposed to get my Buspirone doubled and an antidepressant (yay). I wasn't looking forward to it, but was happy to get more Buspirone! It really helps with general anxiety symptoms. Sandra is a blessing. She seems to know everything. Nearly every medicine she's prescribed has worked really well for me. So today, when I was telling her some experiences I had this week, she asked: Do you know anything about BPD?
Not really. I'd heard of it in social work class, but...yeah. She prescribed an anti-psychotic as I told her more. She got out her DSM and we went through it. Yeah. Borderline Personality Disorder. I had more than 5 of the 9 symptoms needed to make a diagnosis. And now I'm looking at it myself. It makes sense. Lots of things are beginning to make a lot of sense. Of course, it has a very high co-morbidity of depression and anxiety disorders.
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
I think we found the final puzzle piece.
I'm seriously going to cry. I'm so grateful there is a chance at normalcy now that we've finally figured out what's going on.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
(Barely) hanging on
It's been tough, but I'm trying to be tough right back.
Don't tell anyone, but someone skipped two classes this week. I know, but I'm drowning in my own thoughts. They're killing me, and getting heavier and louder. I need help. I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist as soon as school started. My back is hurting more and more. I CANNOT stop eating. Can't sleep because I'm obsessing. Worrying. Distracting myself.
My heart is breaking. I even had a nightmare about "her" again, but this was the first one that didn't end in us becoming friends, it ended in more hurt. It messed up my whole day. I knew what every detail symbolized. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever completely get over it. Why is that responsibility mine? I didn't do anything wrong. Why did he even tell me?
This life isn't meant for me, it's not a good fit. That's what this all feels like, trying to fit a triangle-shaped block into a circular hole. I don't know what to do anymore.
Don't tell anyone, but someone skipped two classes this week. I know, but I'm drowning in my own thoughts. They're killing me, and getting heavier and louder. I need help. I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist as soon as school started. My back is hurting more and more. I CANNOT stop eating. Can't sleep because I'm obsessing. Worrying. Distracting myself.
My heart is breaking. I even had a nightmare about "her" again, but this was the first one that didn't end in us becoming friends, it ended in more hurt. It messed up my whole day. I knew what every detail symbolized. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever completely get over it. Why is that responsibility mine? I didn't do anything wrong. Why did he even tell me?
This life isn't meant for me, it's not a good fit. That's what this all feels like, trying to fit a triangle-shaped block into a circular hole. I don't know what to do anymore.
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