Benzos + AntiDs

So...I had a difficult day at work, but I'm not sure it's anyone's fault but mine.

For no real reason, tears began to well up in my eyes, and I nearly cried. I would have bawled if I had no control. So I considered, for the rest of the day, going back to benzodiazepines.

Those are the things I took after I realized antidepressants weren't doing it for me.

Which reminded me of someone's question to me earlier in the week: "Why do [mentally ill] people not take their medication?"

Easy. In fact, I'll let you figure it out with a simple google search. The bottom line is: THESE DRUGS HAVE INSANE SIDE EFFECTS. Truly. The reason I even got off of benzos - even though they worked like a charm for my anxiety - was because I noticed memory and speech impairment. Still, my memory and speech have not gone back to normal.

It's extremely scary. Why, when we already have messed up brains, would you want to mess them up more? You solve one problem, but create 10 more in the process!

Employed

I am now employed. I work at a pretty awesome gas station as a cashier. You know, I kind of like it. It is worlds better than the previous job I held at a call center (something everyone says sucks). 95% of the people are really nice and chill. We get regulars and hold conversations with them. It's a job I would love to have if I somehow could not finish a degree and work in the criminal justice field.

It's weird. Some people comment that I am a bit nervous still, but I feel a lot less anxious than I thought I would. I don't know why, but I don't really care either.

The most difficult thing about the job is standing there all day. My feet really hurt after four or five hours, but I do eight hour shifts. It's better than sitting all day though. Another thing is remembering all the little things you have to do when it comes to alcohol, tobacco, and cigarette purchases.

Other than those things though, it is a really fine job. The other employees ask me how I "got stuck" with that job, but gee, I've been a waitress and a call center agent. It doesn't get worse than that.

Luckily, I think I may be good at this job, too. My boss and trainer seem to be really impressed with how quickly I've adapted to the register. My dad also seems impressed - he was able to observe me at a busy time when my shift ended (he was there to pick me up). I know I make mistakes, but it's nice how encouraging everyone is.

My wedding

I don't know why, but as soon as I woke up, I was thinking about my wedding. I have really mixed feelings about it. On one end of the spectrum, I experienced an act of kindness that you only hear about in the news and I realized just how much my family loves me. On the other end, I experienced a level of childishness and animosity that I hope I'll never encounter again.

So, let's start with the good part (because that's the easy part). I had almost literally no money. I had planned on getting married in April 2013, but for school reasons, we expedited it (unexpectedly) to December 2012. I had been planning on saving a little bit of money each month for the dress that I had picked out in October. It was seriously the perfect dress. We all loved how I looked in it. I think it was the 5th dress I tried on, but everyone was sure it was the one. I fell in love with it.

Anyway, my new plan was to have a surprise wedding. I always thought weddings were dumb and overly-fussed about. I don't like being the center of attention, I love my family, and I love parties. It was perfect! So Stephen and I were going to secretly get married in a courthouse and come home to a party and announce the big news. There was no room for a wedding dress in these plans, so I gave it up. It was really the only thing I felt bad about.

Well, my mom found out about our plans when I asked to borrow $30 from my sister (for Costco cakes). She was having none of it, so our plans had to change. The date changed from 12/12/12 to the soonest we could do it 12/26/12. Anyway, at this point I still had no hope of getting that dress. We're not exactly wealthy, so an $800 ensemble was not likely. I decided to just wear my sister's dress.

One morning, however, when I came upstairs to get some sleep, there was my wedding dress, laid out on the bed. I couldn't even believe it. I just bawled of pure joy - for the first time ever. I still don't know who bought that dress for me (I think my mom had something to do with it), but I can't thank them enough. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!

Anyway, another good thing is that my family really came together to make this nice. My sister Mandi made the cake, my sister Katherine did the decorations and flowers, my mom did a whole mess of things, Melissa did my makeup, Travis, Cari, Bear, Caleb, and Dad helped. Most brides complain about these things, but I'm really impressed that they did what they did with what little we had. It really looked nice. I looked nice. The cake and the flowers were perfect. I have no complaints as far as those things go. I'm so grateful to all of them for what they did - I'll never forget it.

Now to the bad stuff. Deep breath, because I'm still really bitter about how this went down. Anyway...I'll start with the drama. I expected it from my family but, surprisingly, most of the drama wasn't from them, it was from my in-laws. Yes, they occasionally voiced their concerns about marrying someone who has no car, no cell phone, and has never left "the nest". It was annoying, but I understood. In-laws though, geez. Where to start?

They're not bad people, some of them just did really stupid, childish, and hurtful things. People get crazy when it comes to weddings, I guess. Anyway, like I've mentioned before, we had no money. There was no way we could afford actual invitations - let alone get them out on time. You think people would understand, but on our wedding day people decided to make a big deal out of it.

The main culprit is Stephen's aunt, who decided it was okay to ream my husband on that day. I can't explain how livid I was that someone who pretends to be an adult would behave in that manner. She dogged on him personally, our choice to invite people via Facebook, and the fact(?) that we forgot to invite his grandmother.

We didn't forget her, we just thought word would get out. And it did. I didn't realize she'd feel uninvited this way. If I had, I would have invited her in person, with flowers and a dance. Seriously, Stephen's grandma is a lovely, wonderful person. And, if that is how she felt, we owed her an apology, but not Stephen's aunt. She acted as though we had murdered someone and that we owed her an apology! And apparently, Stephen had already received a stern email from his mom saying how rude we were being. Of course, he hadn't told me about it. Anyway, that was a fiasco and a half.

By then, his father had already gotten into it. He had been calling us every two days or so to voice his concerns about us. They were more like interrogations, than anything. I understand, we're very young, but Stephen tried to make it clear that he knew what he was doing. Maybe it was out of concern, but it certainly didn't feel like it. It felt like he didn't want us to get married at all.

The worst I felt though, was when Stephen's mom didn't come to our wedding shower. I had a great wedding shower. I was surrounded by good food and my amazing family. I just wish my mother-in-law had been there. What mother-in-law doesn't go to her daughter-in-law's wedding shower? She never said she wasn't coming. I was expecting her. I wanted everyone to meet her. I really couldn't have cared less if she didn't bring anything. It just really hurt.

Anyway, the wedding itself was not what I was expecting. I was scared to death up on the stage. After we were officially married, all I wanted was to get off the stage and have some food. We had to go sign some papers, but then I wanted to eat some food. As soon as I was about to sit down, dad told us to go up to the front.

I did NOT want to go up to the front again, I just wanted to eat! He made everyone say something. I think, if someone had something to say, they'd say it without the pressure. Luckily, a lot of people had nice things to say. Really, really nice things. I just wish we could have shared our first meal together. I wish people could enjoy themselves without having to worry about saying something. I really didn't like how it went, but Dad is just like that - he wants to conduct everything. It's just who he is.

By the time everyone was done and we could finally sit down, my food had been thrown away. Everyone was cleaning up and leaving. That was not something I wanted. I didn't get to spend any real time with my family or my new husband, and that really disappointed me.

Anyway, I'd say it was good for what it was. I married Stephen. 97% of my guests, despite the horrible weather, we able to make it. The cake, makeup, flowers, and decorations were perfect. Our families made it and were great. I discovered just how loved I really am. We got awesome, useful gifts. I sometimes wish I had just gone with my original plan. All of the bad things couldn't possibly have happened if we did that. All the good things...I would probably have missed out on all the good things too, so I really don't know how to feel about it. It was good, it was just unnecessarily stressful.

Ants

There has been a spider in the bathroom for awhile. It's one of those smallish ones that don't hang from the ceiling and freak you out, so I was okay with him. I noticed he (or she?) was wrapping his ant victims and moving them around. At first I felt bad for the ants. Then I felt okay because they were already dead. Then I felt like buying the spider a beer (for lack of a better term). It has never left that web and yet it has three immediately visible ant bodies.

Notice how I said immediately visible? Upon further examination of the spider's surroundings, I noticed an ant massacre had taken place in my absence (sorry ants, but my bladder just doesn't get full that quickly). I judged them immediately as stupid. How can so many ants not notice the (relatively) giant, 8-legged cesspool of ugly looming overhead? Let alone their fallen brethren and sistren's curled corpses laying around?

But now I'm thinking that perhaps so many of them died not because they were stupid, but because they were focused. I mean, really, mortally focused? That's admirable, I don't care what you think. If people did that, we'd get a lot of things done. We'd also be free of an overpopulation problem - not saying that's the proper solution, just pointing out the silver linings here.

It's just dedication. We all know that ants work very hard and they're very strong, but they're also dedicated. They don't care that all they're doing is moving crumbs around and ruining peoples' picnics! They just do what they know they have to do. People sometimes have a hard time with that. I have a hard time with that.

I want to know why I'm doing something. I need to know that there is a purpose. I've never been one to just do what I'm told "because". Because isn't a good reason. And maybe that's something I need to fix.

Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law is a perfect stranger to me, and that's a problem. To make it worse, from what I gather about her from Stephen, we have almost nothing in common. I play viola, she knits and sews. I can't sew, and I'm sure she can't play the viola. She's excellent at math. She likes camping. If I could have it my way, neither of those things would exist. There is one thing we have in common though, and that is non-communication. Yeah, it's bad.

There are two reasons for this:
She doesn't talk. I can understand. I hate small talk and idle chatter as much as the next guy, but I don't think it's that. She just doesn't ever share how she feels, let alone how she feels about anything. At least not to me. She might not be inclined to talk to me. She might just have no interest in a real relationship with me. Or, perhaps, she is scared.

That's my reason. It's not in the sense that I'm scared to share my feelings, it's in the sense that she used to freak the bl**dy H*ll out of me. Like I've said before, I have G.A.D. and a lot of it stems from people. Some people are more triggering than others. She just so happens to be one of them.

It's truly unfortunate, and it's something I'm trying to change. Good news? We're having dinner together sometime soon and, while it surely won't fix everything, it can only help. Baby steps.

Role Model

I have had a lot of teachers in my life. Some of them hold a degree to teach, but most of them just taught. My mom is one of them, my dad, my aunts and uncles, bishops that I've had, young women leaders, friends, enemies, whatever.

But most of my teachers have also been role models. And, as much as I love and appreciate those teachers, there is one who will always stand out to me and that is my CJ 1350 teacher.

I don't expect you to know that class off-the-bat, but it is forensic science. I was excited for that class anyway, because I love forensic science. However, this teacher was something else. I wanted to be him. I wanted to work with him. I wanted him to teach me everything he knew. He taught me a lot, but the thing that stuck with me the most is something that has nothing to do with forensic science.

He always said: "Life is what happens when you make plans."

He said this a lot, because his life had not gone the way he wanted it to. He had "partied [his] way out of college", got an A.S in architecture, became a police officer out of necessity, got a B.S in forensic science, and continued on to his masters. After a long and fascinating career, he retired, got bored, and decided to teach.

I. used. to always. make plans. I planned everything. I made lists in my free time. But I discovered that his words were true through experience. Most of what I have planned throughout my life has not come to pass, but you know what? A lot of other, better things have come along. I will never become an astronaut - as much as I would have loved to. I will not graduate college early. I did not get married in the temple. But you know what? I'm alright with all of these things. It was meant to be and I am happy with who I married, I have accepted that I'm not a good student, and the space program has taken major hits in the past few years.

It just wasn't meant to be. Some things, even though you'd give your left arm for them, just won't happen. My teacher? He ended up leaving the school soon after I did because of a tumor. He was, from what I'd gathered from conversations with him, not at all planning on leaving. And, while it is a tragedy that he isn't teaching anymore, I know he is happy where he is because he has accepted that life happens when you make plans.