LDS vs. Christian

Just been thinking about this a lot and I've decided to try and analyze my feelings. Please don't take any offense or take my words as facts, I'm simply relaying my feelings.

First of all, members of the LDS church (or mormons, if you'd rather) are Christians in that they believe in and are instructed to follow Jesus Christ and his teachings. Sometimes we're really not good at exemplifying Him, but we "do our best".

Anyway, I've been mulling over all of this because I'm trying to decide where I stand when it comes to "the church". Don't get me wrong, there is no gospel I could possibly believe in more. There was one thing I had a problem with when it came to the actual gospel. Other than that, every single teaching made sense to me, was beautiful, was inspirational, and was visible in every day life.

My issue comes with "the church" itself, the thing that is supposed to be a vessel for Christ's teachings. The shorter list would be to tell you about the things I'm sure about when it comes to the church and that is the sacrament and patriarchal blessings. Almost everything else (and I say almost in case I'm forgetting something) I have a problem with in some way or another.

And of course it's just me, right? Most LDS people would start getting defensive at this point and say that it's just a reflection of my own insecurity, shame, malice, experiences, etc. That's what they're trained to do when anyone questions the church. And, in this case, they'd be right. Well, shame has never been an issue for me (as some of you are painfully aware). :)

I had questions before about the church, but I have had some experiences recently that have really shaken my belief. Firstly, why the sudden changes in policy? If God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, why are there inspired policies that change? I'm speaking specifically about blacks having the priesthood, exclusively temple marriages (it used to be policy that you got married first, then sealed), sealing ceremony changes, and new lack of tithing reports in conference.

I'm sure there are more, but anyway, I'm not sure what the scriptures have to say about all of these, but tithing reports are specifically mandated in the Book of Mormon (the cornerstone of our religion). As far as the temple marriages and priesthood issues, it's safe to say they changed with the times. Temple sealings became temple marriages due to fears of sexuality in American media. To counteract this fear, they made it a goal for everyone to get temple marriages and avoid the "shame" of non-temple marriages.

Anyway, that's always been an issue for me. Recently, I had an experience of extreme injustice in the church. Someone who had severely wronged me (I mean really severe) was able to simply confess some of her sins and get a temple marriage. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know. She was not sorry. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know.

I'm bitter about this. I will always be bitter about this. Because of this and my bitterness resulting from it, I am extremely unsure about the church. When people in the church told about others who left the church because someone offended them, I thought the people who left were weak in faith in the first place. If all it takes is someone offending you to leave the church, you probably shouldn't have been in the church in the first place because you didn't really believe in it. But now that I'm one of them, I can tell you that the church-goers simplify the hell out of it.

It's not simply being offended by someone, it's being betrayed by the church you're supposed to feel safe at. The church where the truth is always found and rules are never broken. Maybe I had too much faith in the church, but it really hurt (and still hurts) that this was allowed to happen.

Lastly, another experience with church-goers. In fact, this one was a missionary. This missionary is a relative of mine. For a holiday, he was able to talk with his family with skype. My husband and I had originally planned not to go to this, but he was asking for us. Gladly, we came over, only to be chastised. Literally the first question asked was: "Do you pay your tithing?" Obviously not. He knew that! I had told him everything from day one of his mission. I told him in confidence. It was as though he had no idea what had been going on. We were able to change the subject a few times, but it always came back to worthiness in the church. Anyway, after many more of these types of questions (and a clarification that I understood we were at the bottom of the sanctity poll), I had had enough and I left. I was very angry that I had been used as some kind of chum for a piety trip.

The worst part was that his mom, who doesn't even know me, said that we left because we were ashamed of our sins and couldn't take his light, I guess. I don't know how shame would even apply here, but again, they're trained to do that. After emailing him about it, he admitted that what he had done was wrong. He is learning and I was pleased that he actually reviewed what had happened, so he was very easy to forgive. He is a good guy, just somewhat brash...I suppose?

Jesus said: "He who is without sin, cast the first stone". And I happen to know for a fact that both the missionary and his mom don't fit into that category. No one does! I never felt bad about those sins (see previous post). Why are they trying to shame me? It's futile and childish.

Anyway, my point was supposed to be that some mormons (and other religious folk) who identify themselves as Christians are far from. No one is perfect, I understand that. Everyone is just on a journey to try to become perfect. We're all trying. It just turned into a "why I'm questioning the church" post. Sorry about that!

If you haven't read the Book of Mormon and are interested, check it out. You have nothing to lose, and you will love the teachings in there. As for joining the church, the best advice I can give you is to be patient. Everyone is different, but most of the people there are true saints. The most lovely people I've ever met are members of the church. Likewise, the worst people I've ever met are members of the church.

Realization Rambling

So I was thinking today of something that really bothered me for awhile. It will sound bad, but stay with me. I was wondering why I never felt bad about my most recent sins.

I'm not saying I wasn't punished. Consequences of the sins practically destroyed me. I'm saying that, though I felt horrible for letting people down and setting a poor example, I didn't actually feel bad about what I did. I didn't feel like God hated me or anything like that. Save for an instance or two, my friends and family reminded me that they loved me rather than the stereotypical shunning and chastisement that seems to happen sometimes.

I never felt like God hated me for what I did. I never felt like he was sad about what happened. And I was wondering aloud to my husband and he gave a pretty good answer.

In a recent talk by one of the apostles, he illustrated a scenario about a baby learning to walk. When that baby walks, you are so proud of it and happy for it. When it falls, which happens, your first instinct is to help it back up again. You're not angry, hurt, or sad, you just want it to get back up.

Well, I think that's what went on here. I've stumbled a few times in my life, but more recently, they've been pretty bad. I have never stopped feeling God's love for me. There were times when I felt like he was testing me or making me hurt, but that was me. I was consciously holding onto something and I only asked for justice/(vengeance?) in the situation.

A few days ago, I finally just asked for comfort. And it came instantly. I felt a numbness and I remember "hearing" something like: It's in God's hands. He'll take care of you.

Since then, I've felt much happier. I have control over my thoughts, I am letting go, my body is healing, and I feel like I have been spiritually renewed. All you have to do is ask. Seriously.

5 Weaknesses

I've been watching GloriaShuriNava's channel (she's great), and watched a video where she lists her 5 weaknesses. So now I want to do it too. Obviously.

#1: Communication. I have a hard time with it. I think it comes from not knowing how I'm coming off, because, as convinced as some are to the contrary, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I want them to trust me completely, to feel happy, to feel loved, and to feel safe. As weird as that sounds. So I try to be as frank as possible at all times. This backfires sometimes (a lot of times) because apparently people don't want to know every single thing about my life, body, or opinions.

#2: Insecurity. This ties well with #1. Because I don't communicate perfectly, my mental illness, and my flaws, I get really insecure. Normally, I am anxious anyway but, around people, it gets worse. It feels like they're trying to play tricks on me. That sounds schizo, but it's true. I feel like I have to be on constant alert. Obviously it's not as bad around people I love and know I can trust, but yeah.

#3: Slow. I'm very slow. Not physically, but mentally. At least when it comes to math and some aspects of science, you may as well be speaking gibberish. I get science, I excelled in English, I excelled in health, and I excelled in music. But I've always, always, been slow at math. Even in the lowest math class in grade school, I was the slowest student. They'd take me out to test me and see if I should be put in what I can only guess is a special needs class. Really.

#4: Fragile heart. As much as it does or doesn't show, my heart is fragile. I get sad when I see people treating others badly, when justice isn't served, and when people are truly suffering. I cry when I watch people putting down their cats on Youtube! I get really attached to my own animals.

#5: Wrath/Impatience. Some of the things that make me sad, also make me angry. Extremely angry. I can't stand when people judge other people for things they can't possibly understand. I hate it when something that shouldn't be accepted (like abuse or bullying) is acceptable.

Anyway, those are just 5 of my many flaws.

Things are good.

I am now on bupropion.

Today was my first day, and I cut a 350mg pill in half, so it shouldn't be especially dramatic, but I know from experience that it's best to ease into these things.

Anyway, so far so good.
Also good? I can go to the bathroom! I've gone so much today! I'm pretty sure it's only due to the antibiotics I'm taking (UTIs ugh). Still! It's good :)

Hoping

So it's been a million years.
Sorry about that.

I guess I'm just getting adjusted to my life right now. It's not my favorite, but it could be a lot worse. I just...actually want to be in school right now. I want to learn. I was asked by a new co-worker today what my "hobbies" were.

I don't even have hobbies. I don't do things, but I have interests. And who would know? I don't have an awesome geology pin or big collection to show off (I do have a small collection of things I've collected and identified from the canyon, but nothing spectacular), I don't have a viola thing I can whip out and do, and saying you're interested in forensic science may as well be saying: "I watch Dexter and CSI." Which I don't, by the way.

Anyway, it just made me sad. I am just working at a gas station (which I kinda enjoy) and hoping my husband finishes school soon - which won't happen, at least the soon part.

I catch myself hoping we'll get pregnant at some point. At least it would give me something to do. Then I remember how horrifying the whole thing would be, and then I don't wish it anymore.

I just don't want to get stuck without having some sort of educational accomplishment. You know, a real one.