So I was thinking today of something that really bothered me for awhile. It will sound bad, but stay with me. I was wondering why I never felt bad about my most recent sins.
I'm not saying I wasn't punished. Consequences of the sins practically destroyed me. I'm saying that, though I felt horrible for letting people down and setting a poor example, I didn't actually feel bad about what I did. I didn't feel like God hated me or anything like that. Save for an instance or two, my friends and family reminded me that they loved me rather than the stereotypical shunning and chastisement that seems to happen sometimes.
I never felt like God hated me for what I did. I never felt like he was sad about what happened. And I was wondering aloud to my husband and he gave a pretty good answer.
In a recent talk by one of the apostles, he illustrated a scenario about a baby learning to walk. When that baby walks, you are so proud of it and happy for it. When it falls, which happens, your first instinct is to help it back up again. You're not angry, hurt, or sad, you just want it to get back up.
Well, I think that's what went on here. I've stumbled a few times in my life, but more recently, they've been pretty bad. I have never stopped feeling God's love for me. There were times when I felt like he was testing me or making me hurt, but that was me. I was consciously holding onto something and I only asked for justice/(vengeance?) in the situation.
A few days ago, I finally just asked for comfort. And it came instantly. I felt a numbness and I remember "hearing" something like: It's in God's hands. He'll take care of you.
Since then, I've felt much happier. I have control over my thoughts, I am letting go, my body is healing, and I feel like I have been spiritually renewed. All you have to do is ask. Seriously.
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