Okay, so I have depression. It's always like...moderate, but I get bouts of severe depression and those are a nightmare. I have tried a couple of antiDs, and none of them worked or at least they didn't work for long.
But you know what? I'm pretty sure it's because my depression isn't organic. I think it stems from my actual anxiety disorder - for which I once took Clonazepam and it was amazing other than the serious side-effects. How could you not be depressed when you're afraid of everything?
I used to worry about global warming 24/7. I worried about getting old, any and all types of social interaction, and so many other things that I don't wish to share because I'm pathetic, really. But my point is: how can you not be depressed when you can't even be yourself? Something that comes so easily to others. I know people get nervous, but I doubt everyone gets light-headed, heart racing, throat-closing, and terrified!
It's not even terrified. There aren't any emotions involved for me at first, really, it's just physical. Purely physical. And I guess the embarrassment comes from the awkwardness following that kind of reaction. I really hate it. It's probably the most frustrating, confining, limiting thing that will ever happen to me. It is, in every sense of the word, a disability and it really messes with my life. I hate it.
Anyway, just a realization/vent.
I find it interesting that you said, "How can you not be depressed when you can't even be yourself?"
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what depression was until i got back from my mission. I feel that I still haven't completely "returned to my whole self". The reason (or excuse) I think is because I feel like my last relationship constructed much of who I am now, and now that relationship is over, I'm not sure who to be anymore. So much of me blossomed with my last girlfriend that I feel like I can't return to that self in order to completely move on. I'm sure that's why I so desperately want a new girlfriend (or even just a close friend), because I can fill the gaps of myself that are missing with something that hopefully won't leave me again. This is why I said the other day, "I can't wait to relive my past with someone new," and it really surprised me when you said, "That's really unhealthy!" I admit you're totally right. It's unhealthy to want to dump all this emotional baggage onto someone when in reality you both just want to start fresh. Just need to find someone to start fresh with first, y'know?
You, on the other hand, did find someone, and now you both make up each others' constructs. You're not just two people living under the same roof. You're two intimately interwoven pieces of life that will continue to weave stronger and closer together. There will be rips every once in a while (it'd be really ignorant to not expect them), but they can be sewn back up stronger than ever.
You and Stephen are great. I'm excited to see how the rest of our lives as friends will unfold!