Update

I'd like to say things have gotten better, but they haven't. Not that they've gotten so much worse, but I feel like I'm decaying. All the blessings I need, I have. I am not going hungry, I'm clothed, I have access to running water and a warm home. It's also been raining, which is amazing.

Despite all these abundant blessings, I feel angry. For some reason, I'm angry and getting more and more depressed and anxious as time goes on. I don't even like to leave the house for fries anymore. I don't want to leave the house, let alone my bed. I can hardly keep the dang house in proper condition. Like, I'm a credit card away from having a hoarder house. I don't go to church because I don't want to see anyone. I don't have a job and I barely make it to my classes (reluctantly, but I have a good time). My personality is changing for the worse and I fear it will be permanent.

I don't mean to complain, but how can I look forward to life when I know what's to come? I have no more direction because I'm terrified I won't be able to work (or at this point, that I'll even want to work anymore). I'm terrified I'll have no choice but to be a stay-at-home-mom or a pain housewife. And what kind of mom could I possibly be with my back? I worry a lot I won't even be able to carry our child. I'm weak, I have no stamina, and my back is...just going to get worse, I suppose.

I'm really miserable, and I feel like I'm going it alone. Like no one I know understands. Yet I'm still expected to do everything a normal person does. Just pretend what is happening to me isn't. I sometimes feel like everyone could care less, which I understand, but it just furthers the isolation. Or maybe they do care, but they know there is nothing they can do so they just ignore it. Or am I becoming hypersensitive?

Anyway, I'm hoping to see a counselor soon, possibly a therapist. Maybe I could get a friend (emotional support animal). I feel like I could really use one of those. I could also use a lifelong vacation to a beach somewhere.