Bupropion Day 3

I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I love how it's purple! It's my favorite shade of purple.

It makes me dizzy. Kind of light-headed. It's a little harder to walk and think normally. It creates a slight fog in my head, but that's good. Thinking and mulling things over is disastrous.

Today I woke up at around 9:30am as I had a nightmare about being an animal abuse investigator. No thanks, I could never handle that job. So I forced myself awake, and that let me think about a lot of different things. When I get time to think (and even when I don't) my brain takes me on a train ride through every mistake, every horror, every downfall, and every disappointment I've ever experienced. I can't stop it. Last night I finally was able to stop thinking at 6am ish. So I got 3.5 hours of sleep, basically.

A great medication or therapy would stop me from taking those rides. I think that would help a lot. Doing things and distractions would help a lot, except I'm too scared to leave the house.

As far as depression goes, I'm not sure it's helping yet, even though it clearly affects other things. As I mentioned before, it's harder to walk and think (especially short term memory), my pulse is much weaker, but it seems to be positively affecting my sex life. We think. But I cry all the time still. I am still far too afraid to do much of anything. I try to play viola to help, and it does a bit.

Anyway...I'm doing everything I can, but I just don't seem to get anywhere. I keep thinking of finally getting my degree, but I'm not sure it can happen. And, even if I was to get it, who would hire me? What jobs could I possibly work? I have a mostly-crappy school record. I have a mostly-crappy work record because I can't hold a dang job because I can't stand being around people.

Like...when will the chains be loosed? I am doing everything I can, and the depression hasn't improved. Since I began doing all this, the depression has worsened. My anxiety is still monstrous. I can't even imagine taking another job right now. I feel like every time I try and pep-talk myself into doing things and being normal, it just ends badly.

Ugh.