Suicide

This is all I ever think about. I don't even know where to start. Lately I think of what I'll wear in my casket. So vain. I wonder if I'll overdose on barbiturates or make a car T-bone me so I get shearing injuries and bleed to death. I think of shooting myself in the head. I worry excessively that one of these methods will go wrong and I'll be crippled. I worry what would await in the afterlife. I've decided I'd write notes to a lot of people. Not vitriolic ones (stay classy!), but there are so many people who meant something to me, or who impacted my life in small ways that I still remember! You'll be dead, it's your last chance to say everything you've been afraid to! Why limit yourself to just one measly note?

I don't worry much about people I'll leave behind. Most of them, anyway. I know people will move on with time. And perhaps they'll even realize how much I was suffering, and forgive my actions.

I fantasize all day, EVERY day about these things. The fear of messing up keeps me from trying anything. Some NDE's suggest that suicides have to re-live their full life with all the same trials. I do NOT want to do that! Also, I'd feel bad for making other people feel bad. So, there are good reasons not to take action, but it's hard to live with these thoughts everyday. I realize that, what I seek from death is relief - and that's not even a guarantee!!

But man, I'm tired of trying.