There's hope for me yet.

WARNING: This post contains some information about sacred LDS temple ceremonies and ordinances. I feel I'm alright discussing them, since you can find this information in other parts of the interwebs. Please be advised and, as always, these are my thoughts and opinions only. Get your own! :)

So, I've been thinking a lot about the temple thing and I must say, the thought of not being part of an organized religion really made me feel free. It made me think: "Alright. I know Jesus Christ is my savior and that he died for my sins. That's all I need to know."

But then, I had to give the temple ceremony a second looksie. I had to know the whys. As much as it is advised, I don't just go with the flow when it comes to religion. I need to know why I'm doing something.

Anyway, I think I'm coming around. The oath of vengeance was instated by Brigham Young shortly after Joseph Smith's death. The mormons were mad. He was just being politically correct at the time. Of course I don't think he was inspired by any higher power on this one. God wouldn't want us to pray for vengeance! The thought alone is ridiculous to me. This was all going to happen, and God knew it would happen.

Which leads me to my next point. My problem of God not being all-knowing in that script. It's a script, I need to get over myself. People are fallible - people wrote that script, probably not even concerned that someone would knit-pick it.

I learned who Michael was. Phew! It is a new thing to me, so I'm going to have to let this sink in.

The prayer circle, as it turns out, is something that was practiced by protestants and freemasonry. It is still a tad strange to me, but I can handle it. It's just another tradition from the 1840's.

The penalty gesture has been taken out completely, which is a huge relief.

I'm still weary of a couple of things. I don't want to touch anyone and I don't want anyone to touch me. This is a problem, since there is quite a bit of platonic touching involved. I don't know how much stock I take in the parts that require touching. So...maybe give me awhile to sort this one out.

But! I'm getting there, and that's what matters. I just need to know, and I'm really happy that I can look into it. Thank you, wiki and anti-mormons! You've helped me become a better mormon!

Not sure anymore.

It's been awhile. I guess I've just been stressed and caught up in other things.
Today is no different. In fact, I don't know if I've ever felt so conflicted in my life.


Please note that what I'm about to say should not be a factor in any decisions you make. Ever. This is simply my view resulting from what I know, what I've experienced, and how I feel about it.

That being said, I'm really not sure if I want to be sealed anymore. I have been fantasizing and planning in my free time about my sealing to Steve. I have been looking at beige/champagne colored dresses (as this would technically be my second time, right?) and picking out colors, and was really excited at the prospect of a second wedding (one that isn't thrown together in a couple of weeks) and, much more importantly, being sealed for time and all eternity.

Today I followed a long trail of Youtube videos to my dream's demise. I was watching real crime documentaries, which lead somehow to polygamous wives, which eventually lead to hidden-cameras-in-temple-ceremony videos.

Where do I start? I had known that the ceremonies were a bit strange and they put me off a bit, but I figured it was other-worldly, and so are our origins, so of course it's going to be a bit strange. However, today I actually saw the ceremonies for myself, and I actually became distraught. It was so extremely cult-like to me. It just seemed so incredibly wrong. I went on to research a bit about the things that have been edited out, and those are even more wrong to me (making me ecstatic that they had edited them out). But why were they there in the first place?

I also took note that the video shown in the temple is in contradiction to what I was taught. I was taught that God created the Earth, but the video states that Jesus and Michael (who is Michael?) made the Earth. It also mentions that there are others like it - which I was happy about, because that coincides perfectly with science, not that it's required, but it's nice. Anyway, God asks if there are humans on the planet - painting him as not all-knowing, which is contradictory to what I had been taught.

I just cried. I am really heartbroken and now I know why they keep it a secret. Because people would get freaked out like me. If they just go in unknowingly, they have much more pressure to stay and go through the rituals.

I still believe in the Book of Mormon. No one can take that away from me because I've read it so many times and I have felt so many things, the least of which being comfort. I just don't know how much I believe in the church anymore, let alone the temple.

I am mostly just saddened because this was such an opportunity to make my mom happy. She deserves the very best and all she really wants is one of her children to get married in the temple and stay righteous. That's all she's ever wanted and now I don't know if I can give that to her. That saddens me impressively.

However, the worst part, I think, is not being sealed. Even though I'm questioning my belief in that notion itself, it's so extremely romantic and something I had always wanted growing up. It's hard to just let go of that entirely. I know he is my soulmate, and if there is such a thing as a sealing, I would want that more than anything. I just don't know if it's real or if I could even just get through the ceremony to please everyone.

I'm sorry for hurting anyone. If you have any questions or feelings of doubt, as always, pray! Don't take my word for it, nor anyone else's.

CNA School + Update

Guess who's going to school? ME!

I don't know if I mentioned this to anyone but my husband, but I'm thinking of being a forensic nurse again. The more I look into it, the more it feels right. So, I'm giving it a shot. I just got off the phone with Orchard CNA school (which has the best passing grades on the CNA exam) and they said I could miss one day for the MUSE concert - which was my main concern - but that I would have to make it up.

SO I'm going to CNA school next month. I will sign up for it tomorrow when I get my paycheck.

Speaking of which, I've quit. I was going to be 5 or 10 minutes late if I didn't take a shower, and I was freaking out about not having a shower when I panicked, packed a bag, and ran away to my husband's grandparents' house for a night. I feel horrible because A) that is no way to quit a job and B) it was bad timing.

I mean, I was going to quit soon anyway (I sold cigarettes to a pregnant woman, and that did not sit well), but I wanted to make sure I had some kind of income while I went to school and I want future employers to be able to contact them for a good report. Neither of those things will happen now and it's all my fault.

Not all of this is bad though, I finally have some time to get this medical problem figured out - as far as testing and appointments go. I also have some time to gather myself and prepare for CNA school!

The hope is that I'll love it, find a job, pay for some pre-reqs, go to LPN school, work, get my A.A.S from SLCC, work, and get my certificate as a SANE-P. Bam. Dream come true.

I just worry about the social interaction. I don't know if I'll ever be fully okay with that, but it can't be avoided. I'll just have to die early from heart problems - you know, if kidney failure or diabetes don't get there first. :)

SO EXCITED!

I may have to reinstate a goal soon...

That goal would be to get sealed next October.

You know by now that I have plenty of doubts about it; the process, the pre-requisites, the validity, but you know what? It can't hurt me if it's wrong, and it can only help me if it's right.

Now, I'm not an advocate of doing things blindly and just doing them "because", but I think that's what I'm doing here. I'm not even sure why...perhaps pressure? Not wanting pressure in the future? Guidance from a higher power? That mint ice cream bar I just wolfed down?

I don't know, but I'm thinking of doing it anyway.

My kind of schooling

I was just thinking about my schooling in the future. Again :)

My husband is getting ready to go to fall semester at UVU and I got really sad last night thinking of how I won't be. Not that I want to go to UVU, but I do want to be in school.

For those of you who don't know, my schooling life has been tumultuous, to say the least. I was always behind in elementary school, I failed a lot of math in middle school and had to take not only summer school, but a class where, instead of taking an elective, I would take yet another general ed to catch up. Then, in high school, I took summer school twice and was unable to take some opportunities because of my low grades (working at the space center and interning at the paleontology museum).

My first semester in college actually went quite well. Most of my grades were As. The next semester was the same way. When I look back on it, I realize that that was because I took music and criminal justice classes, and I took them at night.

Anyway, I transferred to WSU, where I did horrifically. I got good grades in my criminal justice class and my English class, but I failed the other two classes. This was because I totally dropped the ball though, I didn't study or do anything. So, the next semester, I ran out of money. I don't know how, but I had no money. I had to drop out.

Anyway, I took a break from school for a year and worked at SSI with my then boyfriend (now husband) and I had a great time. I was pressured into going to school for the Spring 2013 semester. Even though I didn't want to go, I agreed that it was probably the right choice. It ended up being the wrong choice. Dead wrong. It was the worst I had ever done in school. Even the classes I liked (Intro to Social Work and Intro to Music), I did horribly in. I don't know how, because I did really well on all the tests and there was virtually no homework in either of them. My teachers liked me!

Sorry about the long story. My point is that maybe traditional school just isn't for me. You know, I have never done well in school except for classes like geology and orchestra and I think that's because they're hands-on. You can see what you need to know or learn. I 've always done well in English too, but I think that's because I had really awesome English teachers - every single one of them.

Anyway, I'm thinking that maybe I should just forget traditional school and try vocational school. Of course that means I can't do what I wanted to do since Utah does not have a variety of vocational programs (it's all medical, legal, or business). Obviously, I'd most prefer to be a crime scene investigator, but there was a time where I wanted to be a forensic nurse, and that can be possible with vocational school. Same with paralegal.

That's what I've been thinking of.

Doctors

I don't know how I feel about people in the medical field anymore.

A nurse once told me that I "am heterozygote for blood clotting factor 5." I tried to clarify in a way that wouldn't make her feel as stupid as she just sounded by asking: "So, I have a dominant gene?" And she replied by repeating herself.

Now, I'm not going to assume she is stupid. I figure nurses have to learn a lot of terms and things and zygote happens to be a biological term, it's just the wrong one. Heterozygous is the one she was looking for. So, points for being close!

Anyway, I want to assume the same thing for what happened today. I was told at my last appointment that 1) the phlebotomist was not in and would not be in for 1 1/2 weeks. 2) I would be able to pee in a cup and get some blood drawn without at appointment.

The phlebotomist was in as soon as I called today (which is a week). And I had to set up an appointment to pee in a cup. Also, I actually didn't have to pee in a cup, but I had to collect all my urine for 24 hours in some special, complicated process and container.

Again, I'm not going to blame a super busy doctor for trivial things like this. He's not a PKD specialist, why should he know these things like the back of his hand?

The issue I have stems from the many visits I had made prior with multiple doctors who brushed me off and told me to take more fiber and drink more water. This is just the icing. You'd think after the 5th visit that someone would take me seriously. It was always: "Drink more water, take more fiber". It wasn't until this doctor noticed the continuous weight loss and abdominal pain that he even looked into it.

This doctor, who had the mix up with the schedule and peeing thing. I can't thank him enough for what he has done for me, but he makes mistakes. Everyone does. It just scares me when it happens with medical people. I guess that's my point: everyone makes mistakes, I'm just being crabby about doctors.

Depression and PKD

So, I have informed every social media medium I have of this except for this blog, but I have PKD. I just found out a few days ago. I haven't seen the nephrologist yet, but it seems serious. From what I've read, when a cyst reaches 4cm, things start shutting down. My biggest ones are 3cm. I also happen to have a ton of them, they're septated, and from what I've read, I'm also at a strange age to get these. That's the internet for you!

Anyway, I'm still unsure how to handle this news or what to do about it. But when it comes to my depression, it seems to be worsening. A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago?), I was deeply suicidal (again). So I decided to take some new antidepressants. They seemed to work. There are some scary side effects that seem to be going away, but they work much better than my previous antidepressants.

Anyway, things were getting better. However, after learning about the implications of the disease, I started feeling a bit helpless and worried. I worry about how to pay for it, what it will do, and how I can/will die. So far, and it's only been a few days, it has caused some issues with family. They're scared, so obviously this will happen and that's obviously stressful for me. For the most part, everyone has been really lovely and supportive toward me and I just want to point out that I truly appreciate their prayers, love, concern, and help.

But I am starting to feel that way again. I sometimes think that maybe it would be good to just let myself die out. I'm not sure how long it would take because I have seen nothing about someone at my age with my level of severity. Usually babies or toddlers get it and die of it or get transplants (really severe). Middle-aged to older people get it and eventually need transplants or die of it. I'm 21 and, from what I've read, they're moderate to severe (depending on where you go). So...I don't know how long I have until I die or need transplants.

I occasionally wonder or secretly hope that it's God's plan. I know that's horrible and wrong and probably over-dramatic, but that's how it is. I don't want anyone to worry about it. I think it may just be mental illness talking and not me. I'm really unsure. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now.

And of course when I think of my mortality, things that shouldn't be trivial become that way and things that are trivial get magnified. I don't know. I'm just confused at this point.