Update

I'd like to say things have gotten better, but they haven't. Not that they've gotten so much worse, but I feel like I'm decaying. All the blessings I need, I have. I am not going hungry, I'm clothed, I have access to running water and a warm home. It's also been raining, which is amazing.

Despite all these abundant blessings, I feel angry. For some reason, I'm angry and getting more and more depressed and anxious as time goes on. I don't even like to leave the house for fries anymore. I don't want to leave the house, let alone my bed. I can hardly keep the dang house in proper condition. Like, I'm a credit card away from having a hoarder house. I don't go to church because I don't want to see anyone. I don't have a job and I barely make it to my classes (reluctantly, but I have a good time). My personality is changing for the worse and I fear it will be permanent.

I don't mean to complain, but how can I look forward to life when I know what's to come? I have no more direction because I'm terrified I won't be able to work (or at this point, that I'll even want to work anymore). I'm terrified I'll have no choice but to be a stay-at-home-mom or a pain housewife. And what kind of mom could I possibly be with my back? I worry a lot I won't even be able to carry our child. I'm weak, I have no stamina, and my back is...just going to get worse, I suppose.

I'm really miserable, and I feel like I'm going it alone. Like no one I know understands. Yet I'm still expected to do everything a normal person does. Just pretend what is happening to me isn't. I sometimes feel like everyone could care less, which I understand, but it just furthers the isolation. Or maybe they do care, but they know there is nothing they can do so they just ignore it. Or am I becoming hypersensitive?

Anyway, I'm hoping to see a counselor soon, possibly a therapist. Maybe I could get a friend (emotional support animal). I feel like I could really use one of those. I could also use a lifelong vacation to a beach somewhere.

I've done something terrible.

Well, there goes another job. I guess I can try to beef up my arms to sell plasma. Heck, I'd probably earn more that way on average anyway, but I liked that job.

Yes, I quit today. We got a new system - something I'd begged for when I first began at PJ's. It has a really cool biometric fingerprint scanner! Very cool biometric scanner. And the system seems much simpler. However, the callers had no idea we were doing something new, so while I was fumbling around I heard one customer mutter (maybe to a friend) "It's not that difficult...I don't know why it's taking so long." So I said "Sorry, we just got a new system and I'm having a hard time." She said "Oh that's okay!! You're fine!"

Mhm.

I mean, I'm glad she was cool with it because I was taking a long time, but frustrated at myself for pissing off a customer. So I needed help getting used to the system. I actually had no idea we were getting one. Well, the only person who I could get help from was one of my managers. She's a grade A piece of work. She's in her teens, very skilled with pleasing angry customers (so I hear), and she's a smarmy jerk most of the time. At least to people she doesn't like.

Unfortunately, I was one of those. I don't know if it's because I was friends with the guy she dated at work who got fired for it and whom she shortly-afterward dumped (cold). I don't know if it's because I don't like her chronic lying problem or attention-seeking personality, and I just let it show, but she didn't like me. She'd always pick on me. Nobody in the store likes to get the phone or till so, if no one is getting it after a ring or two, she'll tell me to get it. Every. Dang. Time. No matter what I was doing. I honestly tried to be nice to her. I know she has a kidney disease too, so we bonded that way. I bought her painkillers once when I went to pick up Stephen because there wasn't any in the store. Usually I cut people out if I don't like them and that's that. But I felt like I had to get along with her to keep my job.

And I did most of the time. But sometimes I'd talk back to her. Usually after something stupid/mean she'd say to the new people or after one of her frequent, condescending comments. One time, I was being a buttface first, and I'll admit to it. I apologized to her and I thought we were cool.

Anyway, she's the main reason I quit. The straw that broke this cammel's back was that I was having a hard time with the new system. Apparently, on the board all week there was a note telling us to do the training module on the computer. Well, guess who only worked on Monday and Tuesday? Me. Guess who didn't look at the numbers that managers send to other managers, usually? Me. I wasn't aware we were supposed to look at those. I feel like they could've done a WAY better job of getting the word out. Especially since I wasn't the only one.

Well, after helping me a couple of times, my manager (or shift leader?) walked back to the makeline and started bitching to the other two workers (one of whom is also a manager - and a much better one in my opinion) about how it's so weird that "people" are asking her questions about the system when it's been up on the numbers whatever for a whole week. She always does that, too. Talks about workers behind their backs. That's the second time she's done it to me where it's loud enough for me to hear. Maybe I should report that? I dunno. But I told her to knock it off and that I knew it was directed at me and, of course, she said "actually, it wasn't". I don't know who thought an 18 year old manager was a good idea, but it's not. For this very reason.

There were other minor problems though. One is the small issue of all the new people treating me like I'm new. I get it. There are a TON of new people at the store, but I'm clearly not one of them. Especially on the makeline. You can see that I know what I'm doing, so don't tell me what to do when you can't even remember pepperonis on a Supreme!

Another thing was school. I need to do well in school or I'm toast. School is important to me and, lately, my transcript is looking abysmal. I need to focus. I know other people can do both (Heck, my husband is doing both right now, he's my hero!), but I worry I probably can't. And it's not just the time commitment - which actually isn't that much thanks to the flexible scheduling - but I can't sleep knowing I have something to do the next day, even when it's at 5pm. If I do get to sleep, it's light and I have nightmares. Every time.

So yeah, I guess it was bound to happen, but I wish I'd given two weeks notice. I wish I could've done it for just one more month. Heck, 4 more months would've been a year! That would look great on my resume. As of now I'm just panicked that I won't have enough money for the months to come. I hope I can get a job that relates to my career options. I'd like to work at UVU if possible.

Well, cheers.

New school, old major

Life is good again. At least, I feel like my blood is pumping again. I went to my first class at UVU today. My teacher is still in the force and even told us about an arrest he's going to do tonight if everything goes well. That just makes me feel alive. I'm being taught by these people. I'm learning from them about cool stuff!

Like most criminal justices classes, this one is taught by a police officer so it's pretty laid back. It's my type of learning. Concept, discussion, stories. Concept, discussion, stories. Real stories from the field. What better teacher than experience? I love it.

And I think he likes me. I can't keep my trap shut if the teacher asks a question about something I know and no one answers. Since we're a bit shy right now, my mouth is open a lot saying what I think about things. I think that's what he likes about me. Anyway, I came up to him at the end of class doing a really hard job of articulating that I have to ask him to add me to the class. But I finally got the words out and he said: "Oh, absolutely." He seemed happy to add me, which just makes me feel like I belong. Heck, he even made me want to be a cop! He talks to us like we're already in the field. And I guess a lot of the students are. There are a lot of military men in there.

There are 5 girls total. Surprisingly to me, and this might sound bad, but I was one of the less feminine ones! Those were girly girls. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not what I expected at all. One of them doesn't seem that serious about it -texted all during class and left early, so we'll see.

The best part is that Police Field Ops is just one of the classes I'm taking. I'm also in Criminal Profiling - taught by an ex-FBI agent, so that will be super exciting. I'm also taking Crime Scene Investigation Techniques which is different from Intro to forensic science, so that will also be awesome!

I'm so excited. I feel like I'm alive again. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm so happy to be in school!

Update

This sums it up pretty well. It's been hard lately.

http://vpkd.blogspot.com/2014/09/change.html

What you can't see

I'm not sure where to start with this one. Most people with humanity in them would be as heartbroken as I am. I guess I should say there are things I'm glad people don't see.

It started when I was about 16 years old. I wanted to be a crime scene investigator or something along that line. I knew real cops and related professionals had to be tough. I knew what they saw on a frequent basis, but I wanted to see it myself. I wanted to toughen myself up, so I'd look at surgeries. Soon, I graduated to crime scene photos and suicides. After awhile, I felt like it wasn't enough, so I stumbled upon this site that has all kinds of horrific footage.

I honestly don't know how they find these videos/photos, but I guarantee they're real. Again, I started small, with suicides. It's surprising how many jumps and hangings are filmed. I can't describe what I felt. I felt shame and some shock that I was watching someone's last moments of life. I felt a great deal of helplessness.  I was disappointed they had to resort to death. I was angry at the website author's absolute irreverence toward death and his clear hatred toward anyone who isn't "aware" of the world around them. That's when I saw my first murder. These boys taped themselves murdering a homeless man. I not only saw everything, I heard everything. It was horrific, and I never visited that site again.

Until today.
It was a dramatic descent from harmless Youtube videos, to highway accidents, to elevator incidences, to that site - from a comment saying there could be an uncensored version of a horrific elevator accident in which a woman tries to escape from a stuck elevator. I'm completely ashamed, but my curiosity got the best of me and I went to the site, not realizing I had visited before.

That video was not there, but I spent a great deal of time watching other videos. They were mostly suicides by train, jumping, and firearms. It was sad to watch, wishing someone would just do something. Sometimes they tried, and they got to the victim too late. On a few occasions, the people did nothing. One that sticks out was a girl who jumped from an overpass in front of traffic. The traffic just went around her. As the car with the camera passed, you could see that she was still alive. The fall must not have been high enough. I don't even know how to feel anymore. That level of inhumanity used to make my blood boil, but I don't have the energy. It's disappointing to say the least, and it's very sad. Why don't they feel responsible for her? Or at least move her out of the road. Call the police, maybe?

I ventured into the murder section, figuring I was ready. I didn't get far. On the first page, my attention went to a video of the attack on Gaza. I remember complaining about this in an earlier post, so I figured it would be relevant to watch. This person was there right after the missiles hit. There were halves of bodies lying around. Clearly dead people, even kids, and my mind went right back to that stupid post on Facebook. It must be very easy for us to have opinions about these things when we aren't actually there.

That was enough for me. It's hard to know that I'm sitting here on my cushy bed while people are suffering. How many people will commit suicide today? What could have prevented that? How many people will be killed today for no reason? I can't handle people bickering about stupid politics and whining about meaningless nonsense knowing worse things are happening under our noses. However, at the same time, I'm glad some people can live in ignorance and not focus on the bad things. Maybe that's the point in fighting crime - to protect people from the harshness.

Anyway, let your loved ones know you love them and never forget to say it.

PKD Complaints vol.100034

*Another PKD post.

Stop me if I've said this before. This morning, when I had five seconds to think of nothing, my brain decided on PKD. It just started making calculations for kidney growth. 5% every year. People generally get them out when they reach 32cm (maybe more, maybe less).

I have about 25 years, barring earlier kidney failure, a ruptured brain aneurysm, or heart failure (no idea, apx 10% chance, and 50% chance respectively).

At that point, unless something drastic happens, I'm planning to let nature take it's course.

As you can imagine, this doesn't sit well, but not for the reasons you think. The truth is, I'm relieved I can have some idea of how I'll die. Anything could happen, but in case it doesn't, I generally know what to expect. However, planning my life has proven difficult. I always make plans. They almost never come through, but it doesn't stop me. I'm learning to let go. It's hard to decide whether or not to have kids. I know Steve wants them, but I only have until 30, and I may not be ready before then.

I'm not sure how I'll feel about passing PKD on. I don't know how big of a deal it is yet. I don't know what I'll have to say when my kid(s) will pressure me to get help. They'll say I'm giving up if I don't seek a transplant or dialysis. I don't want that. I don't even want them to know I have it. I don't want to make them worry. I guess that's one thing I know. I never want them to find out I have it. Maybe I could ask them some vague hypothetical question about "a friend" who is wondering whether or not to tell her kids...

But what if I die before I plan to? How could I leave Stephen with a kid to raise? He/she might be in her late teens or early 20's by the time my kidneys fail. Or what if I have a heart attack at 40, like my dream shaman woman said? How could I do that to Stephen?

It's almost certain I'll get pre-eclampsia with my child(ren). It's deadly, but many women come back from it fine. But with PKD, it's almost certain the high blood pressure will stay. High blood pressure = faster kidney failure. I'll miss Stephen. So I should die sooner so I can leave him with a child to raise? A child who could grow up to hate me for having him/her? I've seen it in the support groups. I don't want that.

I really don't want to be a homemaker, but many of us have to retire in our 30's. How could I work on dialysis? I want to work...or at least volunteer a lot. What kind of life can I have with that? Lugging a machine around, or having to go to the hospital multiple times a week if not multiple times a day??? I don't want that. I doubt I'd even be eligible since my veins are so small.

But then there is the pressure to be an inspiration story. It sounds stupid, but you almost have to do it. "Healthy" people can just die and be fine, but you have an ailment. You have to do a lot of things or you're letting your illness control your life/beat you. Like...I feel obligated to donate my body to science now.

Anyway...this has been another ramble from yours truly.

Career Crossroads

Here I am yet again, hopefully for the last time. I've decided Weber's CJ/Forensic science program is a no-go due to Steve's schooling and SLCC is a no-go because I can't handle the commute. My only option is to attend UVU with Stephen.

I've found that this isn't such a bad option, as the forensic science courses are more comprehensive here. There are more of them that I have to take, but the general eds are looser and the classes are more worthwhile. However, crime scene technician, as a career, has one major and one minor flaw: testifying in court and measuring. You have to measure everything. Blood patterns have so many trigonometric formulas...I know I'd probably have a hard time with that. You have to sketch the scene, but I have no spacial reasoning. As for the testifying...it's not only pubic speaking (something I'm deathly afraid of), but you have to prove something and look competent. They'll attack everything they can about you, your school history, and even your character. As my life is a very imperfect, open book, I believe this would be torture. It would be a frequent torture.

Luckily, I've found another possible major of interest: Emergency Management. While the courses aren't nearly as exciting, it would allow me to do everything I've always wanted to do. I can work with FEMA and other disaster response organizations. I can learn EMT skills and save a life. I can join search and rescue or underwater body recovery. I can help after mass/natural disasters. I have the opportunity to work regular hours, I can see my husband, and I can work for the state. I can be a pretty useful person to be around in case of emergencies. There's also that phrase from my special parchment saying I'll find joy in helping others. What better way to help others? Despite all of this, I'm absolutely terrified I'll miss out. Criminal justice and forensic science are my loves in life!

Anyway, for now I'll just finish my general education. Hopefully I'll have made a decision by then.