Because I'm nuts

If you're a member, you've surely heard about the new policy change. You're going to hear about it over and over for the next few weeks. And I want to share my feelings, but they're still fresh. Pretty fresh, anyway.

When I first heard about it last night (when I couldn't sleep because we had hometeachers and their wives coming over to hang out today), I could only cry. I kept asking God (/talking to myself, thinking God could hear me) "why?" over and over and over. It's something I do a lot, so I feel like we have a close relationship, but I'm probably just nuts.

I tried desperately to first make sure I knew what was actually being changed and then to understand why that change would be made. I know God works in ways we, as mortals, could never understand, but I still tried. I pleaded for this not to be true.

Within seconds, I was sure I would leave the church. No church I belonged to could teach us over and over that 8 year-olds can decide to be baptized. Why should it be different just because someone's parents aren't straight? Why aren't single parents being secluded? They're not the secular family described in The Proclamation. This church has begun to lead us astray. They're trying desperately to win a battle against the gays because they lost the war.

But I slowly recovered. Pretty slowly. Asking God over and over if it was true. How could it be true? Why would this change? Now? It's interesting timing...

I tried to find other arguments. Other..."takes" on it, rather (I hate arguments). Maybe I was being short-sighted. However, most "takes" I could find were from a place of superiority ("It doesn't bother me, because I'm a better member than you" or "It doesn't bother me because I have more understanding and faith than you") or a place of anger ("All you hipster mormons better get in line. God doesn't accept gay marriage and, as a member, you need to renounce it too" or "Gays wouldn't allow their kids to join the church anyway. Chill. Geeez.", "Why would you question God?").

Many people posted scripture or talks that separated the good members from the better. The last time that happened, I inflicted my biggest scar (also my last). I was so distraught that there was such contention within my own faith. They lost "the war on gays", so they turned internally and began tearing at those who believed in gay marriage. We weren't truly faithful, we didn't believe in the prophet or God, we were stupid or immature, etc. Oh my gosh, it really, really hurt to be verbally tarred and feathered by people who I called my brothers and sisters. Even my real family was posting these things, knowing full well how I felt about gay marriage and my faith.

This was almost as bad. And I think so because it doesn't affect me directly. I didn't feel directly singled out, I felt bad for the children who are now being singled out. Turned away from something they believe in just as much as any other 8 year-old or older. Why does it mean less when they say they "believe the church is true"? Ugh... I hate that cliche.

All I could think of was all these girls camps a young girl with same-sex parents couldn't attend. This girl all the others in her ward could've benefited from hearing. Her testimony. Her struggles that she now has to face alone. I thought of a young man, missionary-age, who couldn't serve because, like many men his age, he still lives with his parents.

I could only cry. And then I suddenly felt okay. My brain still didn't know what was happening or why, but my heart was okay.

Then I woke up on Friday, and logged in to see yet more opinions on the matter. Those filled with superiority, those filled with anger, those filled with sadness, and those filled with thoughts of leaving the church. The same ones I had briefly touched the night before.

And why didn't the church say something at first? Why did most of us hear about it on Facebook? On the news? Why wasn't this addressed skillfully and thoughtfully? How could this be inspired?

Family members, desperate to keep me in the church, shared their feelings. Their interpretations as to the reason for this change. They didn't need to. I know what I believe. However, I realized that if the gospel and the church were separate, they would still have no reason to worry, because I would've already left. I stay in the church, and I believe in the church because it is mentioned in the gospel as Christ's church. And I believe that gospel. More specifically, I believe in the Book of Mormon. I know it's true. It's not even a belief. I can't explain it with logic or science, but I know what I feel when I read it, and it's undeniable.

That's how I deal with alllll the many, many questionable things about the church. 1: All churches have questionable things about them. 2: People are SO imperfect. 3: I know the Book of Mormon is true. If it's true, then this must be true. If this is true, then I have to believe this. So on and so forth.

There is also the knowledge that everything will be set right in the afterlife.

Tonight I was sent an article explaining that children of same-sex marriages shouldn't have to decide between their family and the teachings of the church. It's too much for them. But 18 years old seems beyond that, doesn't it? I'm not sure if this is the reason. And I'm not even sure if it's legitimate, but I can accept it.

Still, I cry. When I think about it. I'm sad. I don't know if I want to go to church on Sunday. For a second, I thought of turning my hometeachers away for our visit next week. It's becomming abundantly clear that I'm not wanted in this church. That I'm somehow a mark on it because of my separate political beliefs. I'm almost to the point where I'd rather just leave. I'm tired of other members telling me what I am or how I'm less than them because of what I think or believe. I'm tired of them telling me they're better than me for this, that, or the other reason. God tells me otherwise. He loves all of us. We're all important to Him.

I'm not a member because of the other people. I certainly don't go to church for them (I've been avoiding church for a long time because of them). I go to church because I know I'm supposed to be there. For whatever reason. I believe in patriarchal blessings. I know the Book of Mormon is true. At the very core of it all, I love my savior and my Heavenly Father. Church is one of the places I can feel close to them. Though, I always feel close to them. Because I'm nuts.

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Job Description - PATHOLOGY TECHNICIAN I / 40 HOURS / DAY / BWH - PATHOLOGY (3006425) Job Description  PATHOLOGY TECHNICIAN I / 40 HOURS / DAY / BWH - PATHOLOGY - (3006425) Description   GENERAL SUMMARY/OVERVIEW STATEMENT: In the Department of Pathology, the Pathology Technician I works independently under general supervision of the Clinical Supervisor.  Performs a wide variety of tasks including eviscerations, autopsy suite and morgue operations, and general support responsibilities.  Demonstrates basic proficiency, efficiency, and technical skill in autopsy service.  Under the direction of the clinical supervisor, performs other technical and administrative tasks. The Department of Pathology performs approximately 300 autopsies annually. PRINCIPAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES: I. Autopsy: Functions independently under general supervision of pathologist physician and Clinical Supervisor. a. Evisceration  1. Ascertains proper legal authorization for human post mortem examination as directed by  pathologist. Contacts Admitting Office each morning and, in the case of an autopsy, retrieves permit and  chart from Admitting for the Resident on duty.  2. Confers with resident pathologist to identify special risks involved in particular case or  special techniques that will be necessary.  3. Initiates autopsy work flow by setting up equipment and preparing patient’s body for autopsy  according to protocol. 4. Ensures that patient’s identification bands and tags match that of the properly completed autopsy  consent paperwork. 5. Using approved protocol, performs evisceration, obtains all necessary tissues or fluids for cultures,  obtains routine sections, and measures presence of body fluids. 6. As permitted by Autopsy Consent, and upon direction of pathologist, performs special procedures  including but not limited to leg vein removal, enucleation of eyes, inner ear bone dissection, and  spinal cord removal. 7. As permitted by Autopsy Consent, Human Research Committee, IRB and upon direction of pathologist,  obtains tissues for research. 8. Restores body after autopsy for removal by funeral home. 9. Orients and trains new residents and medical students to the autopsy suite. Instructs in the use of  personal protective equipment and evisceration technique.  Maintains training checklist for new  residents each year. 10. Assists in orienting and general supervision of volunteers and interns assigned to the autopsy service. 11. Accepts call at least one weekend per month and several evenings per week, or as needed depending on  staffing levels.  Performs all tasks and duties required according to protocol. b. Operations 1. Oversees daily maintenance of Autopsy Suite and Morgue. Ensures a clean, safe, and functional work  environment. 2. Prepares autopsy suite for conferences including all equipment, materials, specimens, and facility  preparation.  Restore facilities to safe, functional state following decontamination schedule. Also  coordinates with Neuropathology Secretary and Neuropathology Fellow regarding cases that need to be  presented at the bi-weekly conferences. 3. Responsible for adult and perinatal remains accountability.  All remains are to be identified daily and  cross referenced with the Morgue Log Book.  Any discrepancies are to be documented in the Morgue  Discrepancy Binder.  All Disposition of Remains forms for Perinatal decedents are to be filed in the  Perinatal Disposition Binder and all Remains are to be documented in the Perinatal Accountability  Binder.  4. Assist Funeral Directors, Medical Examiner, and New England Organ Bank with decedent identification,  removals, viewings, and organ harvests. 5. Assist Chaplaincy, Social Work, and Nursing by preparing patients for viewings per request of  family/next of kin. 6. Serves as advisor to staff on technical autopsy protocol for highly infectious cases or cases involving  incurable diseases such as Hepatitis C and transmissible spongiform encephalopathies (Creutzfeldt-Jacob   Disease).  Maintains and updates Infectious Disease Binder and updates protocols as needed. 7. Independently manages autopsy and neuropath specimen dispositions, checking computer logs for case  sign-out status. In consultation with the Director of Autopsy Service, the Director of Neuropathology,  and/or the appropriate Pathologist Physician, discards specimens in accordance with State and Joint  Commission guidelines.  Specimens are organized, maintained, and tracked for archival, teaching,  research use, or disposal.   Maintains Autopsy Wet Tissue Binder, Neuropath Disposition Binder, Saved  Tissue Binder, and Neuropath Research Tissue Accountability Binder, as well as computer databases for  QA/QC purposes on all autopsy and neuropath tissue.  8. Execution, documentation, contact with investigators, and maintenance of IRB Protocol Binder for IRB  approved research tissue. 9. Trains resident staff on radiograph machine in Morgue.  10. Monitors functionality of autopsy suite equipment. Initiates corrective action and brings to attention  of Clinical Supervisor.  Assists in maintaining the Lab Inspection Records Binder. 11. Identifies operational problems and initiates resolution. Brings complex issues to the attention of  resident or appropriate senior personnel or Clinical Supervisor. 12. Maintain Patient Belongings Accountability Log Book. Any patient valuables left in the Morgue are  cataloged with the Clinical Supervisor and documented in the Patient Belongings Accountability Log Book. II. General Support Responsibilities: 1. Prepares surgical benches, work stations, general lab surfaces, tools, and containers for each day’s  specimen workload. Organizes instruments and dissecting supplies for each station appropriate to its  service. 2. Inventories and maintains adequate supplies in an organized fashion for the various laboratories.  Such  supplies consisting of but not limited to clean dissecting instruments, specimen containers, personal  protective equipment, pathology workstation supplies, chemical reagents, and all other supplies and  consumables needed for the individual laboratories.  This will be a daily task due to unpredictable  patterns of use as well as limited storage space for stocking consumable supplies. 3. Properly prepares infectious biohazardous waste for transport in a manner that meets the requirements of  BWH Environmental Safety and Health Policy. 4. Organizes and files pathology specimens in an established, organized specimen storage system. Assists  Pathology Residents and Senior Staff in specimen retrieval to permit additional diagnostic testing. 5. Transports routine and special specimens within the hospital, maintaining diagnostic viability and  specimen integrity for each case. 6. Monitor Satellite Accumulation Areas (SAA) within the various anatomic pathology laboratories. Transport  chemical wastes in compliance with MWRA and hospital regulations. Transfer waste formalin from  workstations to SAA. Updates and maintains Powered Air Purifying Respirator Usage Log when appropriate. 7. Maintains temperature and functional verification charts. Initiates corrective action and brings to  attention of Clinical Supervisor.  8. Assists staff as appropriate with routine and special projects. 9. Maintains established department policies, procedures and objectives, including the areas of quality  assurance, safety, environmental and infection control. 10. Follows all Joint Commission Patient Safety Goals and related BWH Laboratory and Hospital Policies.  11. Performs all other duties and responsibilities as directed. Variable Day Shift.Weekends, evenings, and on call as needed.    Qualifications  QUALIFICATIONS: • High school diploma or equivalent. • Associates or Bachelor’s Degree including 2 years college level courses in Biology, Chemistry,  Biochemistry, Funeral Directing or other related Health Science, preferred. • Minimum of one year of relevant experience specifically involving autopsy evisceration, funeral  directing/apprenticeship, accessioning, or anatomic pathology. SKILLS/ABILITIES/COMPETENCIES REQUIRED: • Ability to perform evisceration of body and brain removal according to established protocol. • Proficient in medical terminology and well versed in human anatomy. • Ability to function independently. • Ability to make independent, effective decisions in appropriate situations. • Posses a strong organizational skills and attention to detail. • Proficient in most Microsoft Office applications- Excel, Word, and Outlook. • Ability to use hospital and departmental computer programs. • Perform computer data entry both efficiently and accurately. • Must demonstrate effective communication and interpersonal skills to permit collaborative and effective  working relationships with intra and extra departmental employees. SUPERVISORY RESPONSIBILITY: Orientation and training of new residents, fellows, pathology assistants, medical students, less experienced technicians, interns, and volunteers. FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY: Enters specimen codes into lab information system to generate technical component of patient charges that comply with Federal Medicare/Medicaid and third party payer billing standards.  EEO Statement Brigham and Women’s Hospital is an Equal Opportunity Employer.  All qualified applicants will receive consideration for employment without regard to race, sex, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, protected veteran status, or on the basis of disability.  Primary Location : MA-Boston-Boston - BWH Main Campus Work Locations :  Boston - BWH Main Campus  75 Francis St   Boston 02115 Job : Pathology Organization : Brigham & Women's Hospital(BWH) Schedule : Full-time Standard Hours: 40 Shift : Day Job Employee Status : Regular Recruiting Department: BWH Pathology Job Posting : Oct 26, 2015

Don't know don't care

I don't know what's happened, but the new feeling is still here. No idea what it is, but i think its better. Maybe I've been a bit more hostile and agitated. My IBS-C is also worse, so maybe its hormonal?

Maybe my brain is finally to the point of not being able to think of the past and present all the time.

Whatever it is, who cares? Tim is happy for me. We decided I should just ride it out. I wonder if I'm even depressed anymore. Which is weird to say.

I'm generally disappointed with myself and others. I don't think the world will become a better place anytime soon. Global warming is still happening, but I'm not obsessing about it.

Unfortunately, I'm still afraid of everything. But we're working on that. That should get better with more therapy. Am I just going crazy? Its freaking me out big time. This feeling is SO foreign. So new. We'll see. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

THANKSGIVING!!

Oh my goodness. It's almost Thanksgiving.

Before I was married, I liked Valentine's Day the most. After you're married though, it doesn't mean much because you live with the person you love. You say you love each other all the time. Preferably, I'd get flowers quarterly or so, and they're cliche and expected on Valentine's day, so they mean nothing. Valentine's Day quickly becomes redundant and miserable, because you have all these frivolous expectations to focus on instead of the love you have for your spouse. Ridiculous.

But Thanksgiving was a close second!

And, again, it SUCKED after I got married. At first, we'd try to split the day between families, so we could see both of them. I had to leave my awesome family and super-awesome food to go to a tiny house filled with people who disliked me. Or at least completely ignored me. Every time. The food was bland, but they had good pie. That's their thing. They make tons of interesting, tasty pies. Like, did you know avocado pie is a thing? It's so good. At least it is when they make it.

The last time I went there, I got in a small argument with Stephen's mom. She was talking about some old lady in her ward who committed the heinous crime of not wearing stockings to church. She was talking loud enough for everyone to hear - at the table - so I felt fine standing up for this poor woman. "Why does it matter?" And then she went off on me, and made it clear that she disliked me because my parents lived in an affluent neighborhood. She thought they were rich. HAHA! Everyone up there was in debt, bankrupt, or foreclosing because they were all in housing development before the market crash. But she always thinks she knows everything, so I earned her resentment because my parents lived in a house on the hill. Just...wow. And, as soon as she finished spewing her ignorance, she ubruptly got up and "went for a walk" with some of the female family members. Surely to gossip. It's what she does.

And now that I couldn't care less, I get to spend all my Thanksgivings with my family (my immediate family and my mom's family)! They're amazing. They're completely the opposite of Stephen's (mom's) family. Very warm, very loving, very friendly, very outgoing, and very conservative. In other words, I don't fit in at all, but they still accept and love me. That's all that matters. They shower me with undeserved compliments all the time. They're interested in my life, even though they all have so much going on in theirs. They live to serve others. They're lovely, entertaining, hospitable people. Why would I want to be with anyone else on such a great holiday?

Today is when I found out we're having our Thanksgiving together this year. And I nearly cried. If I had to choose one thing I'm grateful for this year, it's my family. How blessed can you be?

HCL

So I looked at my bottles today, and I noticed an interesting little thing...3 letters: HCL.

It means hydrochloric acid. And it's either different or it's not, depending on who you ask, from medicine without HCL. This is the thing. My older medications all had HCL. This one from Walgreens doesn't. Some people say it is still the exact medication, and they just leave the letters out. Others say it's different.

One guy on the same dosage as me had a similar experience. He said he'd been on 150mg wellbutrin HCL XL and then got it without the HCL and they were very different for him. Fewer side effects and all. Another person (not sure if they are on the medication at all) said: HCL(acid) is the hydrochloride form but more importantly the answer you seek concerns "is the acid form best for your application" HCL is the converted form of many compounds for shelf life extension and durability. HCL's are actually poor versions of their former self.

Don't know where that's coming from, but it makes sense to me. I totally believe they're different. I'm feeling different. I get a bit more dizzy standing up, and my IBS-C has worsened a bit (UGH!!), but I definitely feel different. Better, I think. 

So yeah...mystery solved. 

At this point, even if someone had evidence that they're the same, I wouldn't believe them. Not now. 

Those pits of despair

I think things were going alright today. Recently, even though I've felt...lighter...better...I've been needing food. Carbs, to be exact. Always the carbs. My nemesis.

My digestion has been a bit worse too. Maybe because of the carbs.

I've been freaking out, but trying not to mind it too much because it's not a bad change. I, of course, worry it won't last, that maybe something has changed with my hormones...that would've had to be conveniently timed though... And it's not like I'm way better.

In fact, I had a setback today. Since the change, it's been easier to block unwanted things from my brain but, in an instant, all my overwhelming feelings flooded my mind. I panicked. I started crying a little at first. At first, I was just sad because I'd hurt Stephen while popping a zit on his back.

It was: "Oh, I'm sorry. Wow, I feel bad."

Then: "Oh my gosh, all I do is hurt Stephen when he gets home.", "All I do is hurt people.", "I can't do anything right.", "I'm so useless.", "Why do I exist?", "This must be some kind of punishment.", "I must've done something horrible.", "Why can't I just die?", "I can't do this anymore... I can't do this anymore... I can't do this anymore.".

So...that escalated quickly. And then I started validating those thoughts with examples of times I'd hurt people or failed at something, or how I just stay home all day every day and I still feel tired.

All within a matter of seconds, I went from just wanting a forgivig hug to sobbing and just closing my eyes and envisioning some kind of merciful sudden death. I don't think hysterical would be accurate, but definitely distraught.

It subsided within 5 or so minutes...I think? And then I was "fine" again. So...yeah. Odd experience. But, overall, I'm still doing better. I'm still not able to describe how (I'm still tired, still unmotivated, still uninterested in anything at all, stunted feelings, general boredom), but I'm still rolling with it. Tim would be happy! Now I have to make a resume to follow up with that mortician I got hooked up with... I'm scared.

But I just realized that I got my medicine from Walgreens this time. Do you think that's it? Walmart, Rite Aid, and CVS pills have the same effect as far as I could tell. Hmm...Also, I'm gonna run out again after tomorrow. Still haven't been able to find a psychiatrist. Or even a psychiatric nurse.

Still going

Things are still going well!

I don't know what happened, and I can't really explain how it's different, but it is. I'm still tired, but not as exhausted all the time. I still get drained from interaction. My thinking hasn't really changed either. I think I just have more hope now. Like...I'm still not super-interested in anything anymore, but I feel like we'll be okay? And I don't have to be as anal about some things?

Really not sure what's going on. It's not like this is new medicine, I just missed a day of it. But I'll take it. It's better, whatever it is. So, great! I'll try to keep it up!