Those pits of despair

I think things were going alright today. Recently, even though I've felt...lighter...better...I've been needing food. Carbs, to be exact. Always the carbs. My nemesis.

My digestion has been a bit worse too. Maybe because of the carbs.

I've been freaking out, but trying not to mind it too much because it's not a bad change. I, of course, worry it won't last, that maybe something has changed with my hormones...that would've had to be conveniently timed though... And it's not like I'm way better.

In fact, I had a setback today. Since the change, it's been easier to block unwanted things from my brain but, in an instant, all my overwhelming feelings flooded my mind. I panicked. I started crying a little at first. At first, I was just sad because I'd hurt Stephen while popping a zit on his back.

It was: "Oh, I'm sorry. Wow, I feel bad."

Then: "Oh my gosh, all I do is hurt Stephen when he gets home.", "All I do is hurt people.", "I can't do anything right.", "I'm so useless.", "Why do I exist?", "This must be some kind of punishment.", "I must've done something horrible.", "Why can't I just die?", "I can't do this anymore... I can't do this anymore... I can't do this anymore.".

So...that escalated quickly. And then I started validating those thoughts with examples of times I'd hurt people or failed at something, or how I just stay home all day every day and I still feel tired.

All within a matter of seconds, I went from just wanting a forgivig hug to sobbing and just closing my eyes and envisioning some kind of merciful sudden death. I don't think hysterical would be accurate, but definitely distraught.

It subsided within 5 or so minutes...I think? And then I was "fine" again. So...yeah. Odd experience. But, overall, I'm still doing better. I'm still not able to describe how (I'm still tired, still unmotivated, still uninterested in anything at all, stunted feelings, general boredom), but I'm still rolling with it. Tim would be happy! Now I have to make a resume to follow up with that mortician I got hooked up with... I'm scared.

But I just realized that I got my medicine from Walgreens this time. Do you think that's it? Walmart, Rite Aid, and CVS pills have the same effect as far as I could tell. Hmm...Also, I'm gonna run out again after tomorrow. Still haven't been able to find a psychiatrist. Or even a psychiatric nurse.