I know I didn't mention this in my super-recent post about goals in life (told ya I'd forget something!), but I've recently been reminded of a separate, less important goal. I've always admired pin-up girls. I know, you'd think the feminist within me is crawling, but she's not. She's proud, in fact. Part of being a real feminist is admiring femininity, and pin-up is alllll about that. I could do without the objectification, but I like the raw power, sensuality, and confidence. It's really a beautiful thing.
And that's why I want to do it. I want to be a pin-up girl, if only for a few hours. I have the photographer in mind, the outfits, the poses...everything. I love pin-up and I'd like to have that on my bucket list.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Cat.
I know I didn't write about it here before. It was just too painful and even somewhat embarrassing to say that I gave up my sweet baby earlier this year. He was my sunshine, even when he was dumping every cup of water we put out for him. I think he knew what was coming.
Sure enough, my parents were forced to leave their costly home and move to a more manageable place near my mom's work. It was a good thing, but it meant sacrifice for Stephen and I. As soon as I heard, I applied to every pet-friendly apartment available. I tenaciously scanned KSL every day so I could have the possibility of being with the cat I'd raised since he was weaned. But everything was falling through. It had been a rough winter, and the pattern didn't stop with him.
Because he hated car rides and would become terrifyingly anxious, I could only bear to make him suffer the shortest ride possible, and that was the local animal shelter. I bawled through the whole process. He was so scared. I still feel guilt about how he must have felt. He was always a loving, loyal cat to me. Maybe not always obedient, but he was loving beyond belief, and just as neurotic as his momma. Yet here I was, handing him off to strangers so they could keep him in a lonely cage surrounded by other abandoned cats. I often wonder if he hates me now.
I wonder if he's happy now. His picture was never on the site, so he must've gotten adopted out right away. Everyone said he would. He's a beautiful, unique cat. The people there all promised, a few times, that they'd take great care of him. Perhaps one of them adopted him. I told them he was the best cat.
I still love that cat, and my heart breaks every day he's not with me.
Sure enough, my parents were forced to leave their costly home and move to a more manageable place near my mom's work. It was a good thing, but it meant sacrifice for Stephen and I. As soon as I heard, I applied to every pet-friendly apartment available. I tenaciously scanned KSL every day so I could have the possibility of being with the cat I'd raised since he was weaned. But everything was falling through. It had been a rough winter, and the pattern didn't stop with him.
Because he hated car rides and would become terrifyingly anxious, I could only bear to make him suffer the shortest ride possible, and that was the local animal shelter. I bawled through the whole process. He was so scared. I still feel guilt about how he must have felt. He was always a loving, loyal cat to me. Maybe not always obedient, but he was loving beyond belief, and just as neurotic as his momma. Yet here I was, handing him off to strangers so they could keep him in a lonely cage surrounded by other abandoned cats. I often wonder if he hates me now.
I wonder if he's happy now. His picture was never on the site, so he must've gotten adopted out right away. Everyone said he would. He's a beautiful, unique cat. The people there all promised, a few times, that they'd take great care of him. Perhaps one of them adopted him. I told them he was the best cat.
I still love that cat, and my heart breaks every day he's not with me.
Friday, July 25, 2014
College Advice.
Going to college is expected. It's expected by my religious circle, even for women. It's expected by my community, and it was certainly expected by my family. And I'm not the only one. Everyone is expected to go to college around here. That's not a bad thing at all. I'm really happy that my state values education so dearly. It has some of the most affordable education in the entire country, we love it so much here.
So it's no surprise that people get weird about it now that things have changed, especially middle-aged people. Before the economic recession, you went to school and you got a bachelors degree, or you were screwed/not doing enough/not going to get a job ever. Even though that couldn't have been true for everyone before, it was believed to be. Afterward, however, it was as if a blanket had been lifted and we could see the truth:
College isn't necessary for everyone.
I don't want to go into the story of Steve Jobs and the other "geniuses" like him. You know, the drop-outs who end up hitting it big and becoming billionaires. They're just not that common, so that is a bad argument. Aside from that, there are plenty of perfectly good reasons to prove my point.
#1: Tuition is not nearly as cheap as it used to be. Yes, inflation, sure. Fine. But that doesn't begin to cover the difference. 1,120% in 30 years to be exact. That's a lot. Yes, you're learning things people didn't even know about 10 years ago. So the quality is there, but you're still the same age people used to be. And people our age are poor. Unless mommy and daddy will pay for your schooling, you're on your own. Your choices are slim, and it's almost inevitable that you'll have to borrow money. Lots of money. And if you don't get a really, really, useful or high-paying degree - you really are screwed.
#2: Not every job requires college, and certainly not a bachelors. Right now I'm attempting to complete a mortuary science degree. It's an A.A.S. And guess what? That's all you need. There are only a handful (or less) of bachelors degrees available in the entire country, that's how much you don't need it. With an A.A.S., you can earn an average of $54,000 a year. Which brings me to my next point.
#3: Not many bachelors degrees are worth it anymore. Now that almost everyone has a bachelors degree, if someone wants higher education, you need to have higher education; a master's degree. Many bachelors degrees will end up earning you equal to or less than an associates would. My degree, nursing, countless other medical field jobs, even some certificates. It's a fact that associates degree holders out-earn bachelors degree holders in the first year after graduation.
#4: Not everyone is cut out for a bachelors degree. The purpose of college, to many people, is to prove that you can jump through hoops. Getting an A in a class just means you got an A in the class. Some people just don't do well in the schools we've set up. It's a one-size-fits-all operation, so that's bound to happen. Not everyone is mentally or physically healthy enough. Some people will just never grasp one or more general education classes. In my case, I'm even terrified of passing Math 1010. You need a higher class for a bachelors. Even public speaking is proving to be a challenge for me, just because I want nothing to do with that class.
Case and point:
#1: Don't take college advice from people who are older than you, they honestly don't know what's going on. The older ones because it's completely different, and the barely older ones because they probably wasted money on a fine arts degree.
#2: If you don't know what you want to do, don't go to college yet. Or at least take required general education first.
#3: Take advantage of community/junior colleges. There is some weird stigma associated with community colleges. I don't know why, but people think they're getting a worse education or something? It's absolutely untrue and you can save A LOT of money by getting an associates at a community college and transferring. I don't know why people would pay more money for the same class. Utah is home to a certain community college that was ranked #1 in the country. How is that worse than a university again?
#4: Get a certification or associates first. If you have a decent job while you go to school, you can save a lot of stress. If it's sensible (you could find a job), earn your associates, then work while you finish school. It will probably be less stressful for you and you can probably avoid racking up student debt.
That's my advice. You can take it or leave it. These come almost directly from my pretty bad experience so far. I'm not cut out for a bachelors. I've wasted a lot of the country's (ultimately my own) money chasing a degree that I'm ultimately not going to get - now that I've changed it. Though I did have a lot of fun, and I really loved learning what I learned. College is fun, especially at first, but it's also a big money and time investment. Be careful.
So it's no surprise that people get weird about it now that things have changed, especially middle-aged people. Before the economic recession, you went to school and you got a bachelors degree, or you were screwed/not doing enough/not going to get a job ever. Even though that couldn't have been true for everyone before, it was believed to be. Afterward, however, it was as if a blanket had been lifted and we could see the truth:
College isn't necessary for everyone.
I don't want to go into the story of Steve Jobs and the other "geniuses" like him. You know, the drop-outs who end up hitting it big and becoming billionaires. They're just not that common, so that is a bad argument. Aside from that, there are plenty of perfectly good reasons to prove my point.
#1: Tuition is not nearly as cheap as it used to be. Yes, inflation, sure. Fine. But that doesn't begin to cover the difference. 1,120% in 30 years to be exact. That's a lot. Yes, you're learning things people didn't even know about 10 years ago. So the quality is there, but you're still the same age people used to be. And people our age are poor. Unless mommy and daddy will pay for your schooling, you're on your own. Your choices are slim, and it's almost inevitable that you'll have to borrow money. Lots of money. And if you don't get a really, really, useful or high-paying degree - you really are screwed.
#2: Not every job requires college, and certainly not a bachelors. Right now I'm attempting to complete a mortuary science degree. It's an A.A.S. And guess what? That's all you need. There are only a handful (or less) of bachelors degrees available in the entire country, that's how much you don't need it. With an A.A.S., you can earn an average of $54,000 a year. Which brings me to my next point.
#3: Not many bachelors degrees are worth it anymore. Now that almost everyone has a bachelors degree, if someone wants higher education, you need to have higher education; a master's degree. Many bachelors degrees will end up earning you equal to or less than an associates would. My degree, nursing, countless other medical field jobs, even some certificates. It's a fact that associates degree holders out-earn bachelors degree holders in the first year after graduation.
#4: Not everyone is cut out for a bachelors degree. The purpose of college, to many people, is to prove that you can jump through hoops. Getting an A in a class just means you got an A in the class. Some people just don't do well in the schools we've set up. It's a one-size-fits-all operation, so that's bound to happen. Not everyone is mentally or physically healthy enough. Some people will just never grasp one or more general education classes. In my case, I'm even terrified of passing Math 1010. You need a higher class for a bachelors. Even public speaking is proving to be a challenge for me, just because I want nothing to do with that class.
Case and point:
#1: Don't take college advice from people who are older than you, they honestly don't know what's going on. The older ones because it's completely different, and the barely older ones because they probably wasted money on a fine arts degree.
#2: If you don't know what you want to do, don't go to college yet. Or at least take required general education first.
#3: Take advantage of community/junior colleges. There is some weird stigma associated with community colleges. I don't know why, but people think they're getting a worse education or something? It's absolutely untrue and you can save A LOT of money by getting an associates at a community college and transferring. I don't know why people would pay more money for the same class. Utah is home to a certain community college that was ranked #1 in the country. How is that worse than a university again?
#4: Get a certification or associates first. If you have a decent job while you go to school, you can save a lot of stress. If it's sensible (you could find a job), earn your associates, then work while you finish school. It will probably be less stressful for you and you can probably avoid racking up student debt.
That's my advice. You can take it or leave it. These come almost directly from my pretty bad experience so far. I'm not cut out for a bachelors. I've wasted a lot of the country's (ultimately my own) money chasing a degree that I'm ultimately not going to get - now that I've changed it. Though I did have a lot of fun, and I really loved learning what I learned. College is fun, especially at first, but it's also a big money and time investment. Be careful.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Babies 2/brain barf
So I've shared my fears and all that noise, but I realize now that I didn't say anything about if we did have babies. Adoption is an open book for me, so it's not really worth talking about because I'm not picky about it.
But if we did have our own babies from my own body, we want boys. Just boys, please. But I know that probably wouldn't be the case. See, I only have one baby (pregnancy aside) dream I can remember. And it was certainly the only one where I felt such a connection to the child. Even while I was asleep, I felt this deep, deep love for the baby. And she was a girl. I even knew her name. It was a name I'd never considered before the dream, but it suited her. She was Joanna. And her middle name is Evelyn.
Now, I don't like reading too much into dreams because they usually tend to be a hodgepodge of things I've thought about the day before. But this was different. That deep, loving connection felt so real. I wonder if it is.
Anyway, when I did imagine having kids, I always pictured 3 as the top-off. Absolutely no more than 3. Being sick kinda helped me want fewer. If we have any, I'd be perfectly fine with just 1. Maybe 2. In my religious circle, that's almost unheard of. I will expect judgement, especially if we have no kids. And I'd be lying if I said that aspect didn't affect my decision-making process. I don't need that. I want to feel welcome at church. But it's a place where many people state that it's our highest calling and even our purpose in this life. I worry it would be a hostile environment or people will just write me off as some political hump or that I'm infertile or something. But avoiding judgement is no reason to have a baby.
Another factor is my in-laws. My mother-in-law has always judged me pretty harshly. Now, I doubt I'm the only one with this problem. Ours is just a little different in that she's never made an attempt to get to know me, she largely ignored any attempt I made at contacting her, she'd call me names to my husband, and probably bad-talked me behind my back. She does that, apparently and it's probably why many members of her family (who also don't know me) hate me.
Now, I'm probably making her sound like a monster, but everyone has good qualities. I know she does, so my point isn't to make her sound terrible, my point is that we don't get along. I've decided not to have anything to do with her lately and I wonder if having a child would just exacerbate the issue. I don't want to be in the same room as her, but if she wants to see her son's child, I believe she has that right - no matter how much I hate it.
But her and the females in her family are largely into the religious circle's belief that a woman's place is in the home. As far as I know, not one of them planned on not being a stay-at-home-mom. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them believing or wanting that. There isn't. It's just not what I've wanted. It's not something I want for me. So I wonder if not having kids would make Steve's mom hate me more. Even though I'm sick.
Another thing is that I just feel so dang tired all the time. I don't think I can explain how tired I am. Not just physical fatigue, but I just feel drained all the time. How can I raise a child like that? I'm really lucky that Steve is so good with kids, but he'd be working a lot. Even if we both worked, I'd have to watch the kid sometime and I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also worried about my chronic constipation. I know pregnancy worsens that problem, and I honestly can't handle it getting any worse. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get my colon removed. Heck, even a colostomy is alright with me at this point. But I (perhaps stupidly) have hope that a doctor will take me seriously someday and actually figure out what is going on down there. There are so many tests they have yet to do (though they have done a lot). I know if they cared enough, they'd fix what was wrong.
Ugh. Anyway, there is more baby stuff for you.
But if we did have our own babies from my own body, we want boys. Just boys, please. But I know that probably wouldn't be the case. See, I only have one baby (pregnancy aside) dream I can remember. And it was certainly the only one where I felt such a connection to the child. Even while I was asleep, I felt this deep, deep love for the baby. And she was a girl. I even knew her name. It was a name I'd never considered before the dream, but it suited her. She was Joanna. And her middle name is Evelyn.
Now, I don't like reading too much into dreams because they usually tend to be a hodgepodge of things I've thought about the day before. But this was different. That deep, loving connection felt so real. I wonder if it is.
Anyway, when I did imagine having kids, I always pictured 3 as the top-off. Absolutely no more than 3. Being sick kinda helped me want fewer. If we have any, I'd be perfectly fine with just 1. Maybe 2. In my religious circle, that's almost unheard of. I will expect judgement, especially if we have no kids. And I'd be lying if I said that aspect didn't affect my decision-making process. I don't need that. I want to feel welcome at church. But it's a place where many people state that it's our highest calling and even our purpose in this life. I worry it would be a hostile environment or people will just write me off as some political hump or that I'm infertile or something. But avoiding judgement is no reason to have a baby.
Another factor is my in-laws. My mother-in-law has always judged me pretty harshly. Now, I doubt I'm the only one with this problem. Ours is just a little different in that she's never made an attempt to get to know me, she largely ignored any attempt I made at contacting her, she'd call me names to my husband, and probably bad-talked me behind my back. She does that, apparently and it's probably why many members of her family (who also don't know me) hate me.
Now, I'm probably making her sound like a monster, but everyone has good qualities. I know she does, so my point isn't to make her sound terrible, my point is that we don't get along. I've decided not to have anything to do with her lately and I wonder if having a child would just exacerbate the issue. I don't want to be in the same room as her, but if she wants to see her son's child, I believe she has that right - no matter how much I hate it.
But her and the females in her family are largely into the religious circle's belief that a woman's place is in the home. As far as I know, not one of them planned on not being a stay-at-home-mom. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them believing or wanting that. There isn't. It's just not what I've wanted. It's not something I want for me. So I wonder if not having kids would make Steve's mom hate me more. Even though I'm sick.
Another thing is that I just feel so dang tired all the time. I don't think I can explain how tired I am. Not just physical fatigue, but I just feel drained all the time. How can I raise a child like that? I'm really lucky that Steve is so good with kids, but he'd be working a lot. Even if we both worked, I'd have to watch the kid sometime and I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also worried about my chronic constipation. I know pregnancy worsens that problem, and I honestly can't handle it getting any worse. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get my colon removed. Heck, even a colostomy is alright with me at this point. But I (perhaps stupidly) have hope that a doctor will take me seriously someday and actually figure out what is going on down there. There are so many tests they have yet to do (though they have done a lot). I know if they cared enough, they'd fix what was wrong.
Ugh. Anyway, there is more baby stuff for you.
Bucket List.
Alright, I've been trying to mull this over for the past week. I don't think I'll ever remember everything I want to do in one sitting, but hopefully I can give an idea of what I'd like to do with this life of mine. In no particular order:
#1: Help after a disaster (human or natural). This is my dream. I think it's become a common goal after 9/11. I completely understand where many come from when they say things like: "I remember watching the TV and feeling so helpless." I felt like that. I feel like that after every disaster, every emergency. I watch as people are left homeless and grieving dead family. I watch while they search homes for survivors or to confirm death. They hand out food and everyone comes together. I want to be there. I want to do anything and everything I can to help.
#2: Save a life. I am CPR and First Aid certified by the American Heart Association, and that makes me unduly proud. It's one of a few things I feel like I've accomplished in the 22 years I've been roaming the Earth. I would feel even more proud if I could put it to use. I'm happy that, if someone was to have an emergency, I'd at least be able to help in a small way. There is no better accomplishment in life than saving someone else's. Well, except when you save multiple lives.
#3: Volunteer. I want to volunteer. I don't care if it's at a soup kitchen, a bishop's storehouse, the hospital, DMORT, FEMA, American Red Cross, or an animal shelter, I want to volunteer. I want to make it a common part of my life. It's been said in a special parchment of mine that the greatest joy will come in doing service for others. I believe that's true for everyone. And I know it will be true for me, if I could just get my hand in something positive...
#4: Advocate. I'm a natural at this. I believe I'm sometimes too tenacious about my convictions, especially when I absolutely know I'm in the right. I'll try to do less political things, and more global issue and human rights things. I care the most about those. I'd really love to see more acceptance and knowledge about STDs, HIV/AIDS, and contraception. I'd really like to help with women's rights across the world. There are just so many things that need attention. I'd have plenty of things to gripe about.
#5: Go to India. Because India is a fascinating country with a rich history and culture.
#6: Go to Ireland, Scotland, or the United Kingdom. Because why not? Those countries seem cool.
#7: Sea World! I would love to swim and play with baluga whales or dolphins.
#8: Disney World!
#9: Cruise! Or multiple cruises. I'm okay with that.
#10: Get a degree. I don't care what kind, but I want a degree. Even a certification would be cool. I'm thinking a phlebotomy certification would be helpful in conjunction with my mortuary science degree. So that could be attained pretty soonly.
Okay, so maybe it was in order. This is my bucket list. Some things are easier or more imminent than others, but hopefully I can stuff all of this into my life. If I could even do half of these, I'd feel accomplished. Life is so short! Ugh!
#1: Help after a disaster (human or natural). This is my dream. I think it's become a common goal after 9/11. I completely understand where many come from when they say things like: "I remember watching the TV and feeling so helpless." I felt like that. I feel like that after every disaster, every emergency. I watch as people are left homeless and grieving dead family. I watch while they search homes for survivors or to confirm death. They hand out food and everyone comes together. I want to be there. I want to do anything and everything I can to help.
#2: Save a life. I am CPR and First Aid certified by the American Heart Association, and that makes me unduly proud. It's one of a few things I feel like I've accomplished in the 22 years I've been roaming the Earth. I would feel even more proud if I could put it to use. I'm happy that, if someone was to have an emergency, I'd at least be able to help in a small way. There is no better accomplishment in life than saving someone else's. Well, except when you save multiple lives.
#3: Volunteer. I want to volunteer. I don't care if it's at a soup kitchen, a bishop's storehouse, the hospital, DMORT, FEMA, American Red Cross, or an animal shelter, I want to volunteer. I want to make it a common part of my life. It's been said in a special parchment of mine that the greatest joy will come in doing service for others. I believe that's true for everyone. And I know it will be true for me, if I could just get my hand in something positive...
#4: Advocate. I'm a natural at this. I believe I'm sometimes too tenacious about my convictions, especially when I absolutely know I'm in the right. I'll try to do less political things, and more global issue and human rights things. I care the most about those. I'd really love to see more acceptance and knowledge about STDs, HIV/AIDS, and contraception. I'd really like to help with women's rights across the world. There are just so many things that need attention. I'd have plenty of things to gripe about.
#5: Go to India. Because India is a fascinating country with a rich history and culture.
#6: Go to Ireland, Scotland, or the United Kingdom. Because why not? Those countries seem cool.
#7: Sea World! I would love to swim and play with baluga whales or dolphins.
#8: Disney World!
#9: Cruise! Or multiple cruises. I'm okay with that.
#10: Get a degree. I don't care what kind, but I want a degree. Even a certification would be cool. I'm thinking a phlebotomy certification would be helpful in conjunction with my mortuary science degree. So that could be attained pretty soonly.
Okay, so maybe it was in order. This is my bucket list. Some things are easier or more imminent than others, but hopefully I can stuff all of this into my life. If I could even do half of these, I'd feel accomplished. Life is so short! Ugh!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The end of the world.
I know there are so many speculations on this matter. I know many groups, religions, and individuals have ideas on how it will all go down. That's not quite my battle today. Today I just wanted to explain why I think the end of times could be near.
Not that I think it's too close. How would I know? But, especially in my religious circle, many often complain about the end of times being near. Not that I blame them. I can't even list the violent horrors people face every day. Many fight hard just to survive the night. People work too hard for too little in extreme and harsh conditions. Kids have to dig through trash to get a lackluster "meal" at the end of the day. They watch their families die of preventable diseases, thirst, and starvation. Some watch their families get killed by militant villains, with no one to protect them or stop the violence.Young girls are mutilated, sold into loveless marriages, impregnated at dangerous ages, violated, abused, and even killed. Innocent people become victims of war, greed, and random bombings. In many homes, unseen abuse of many sorts is acceptable. Heinous murders rise, as do the number of serial killers, who were nigh unheard of before the 1960's. Global warming causes freak storms and natural movement in the Earth continues to rattle countries with unprecedented force. I've barely scratched the surface of atrocities, and these things continue to worsen over time.
And yet, I don't hear about these when religious people complain about the end of times. I don't hear about the violence, murder, rape, abuse, poverty, and greed. No, I didn't even begin hearing the phrase until the gay rights movement picked up in the United States. And that is what makes me know the end is on it's way. People don't care about what they can't see, even though they know their brothers and sisters suffer. God doesn't care about them. God can tolerate that. God will tolerate his children being beaten, raped, and abused, but he won't tolerate gay rights or feminists?
You know nothing. You know nothing of what God's plans are with each of us. You know nothing about same sex attraction, and you know nothing of each female's role in this world and the infinite beyond. How can people rallying for rights, whether they're right or wrong, bother you more than innocent peoples' suffering? Something is wrong with you. That is a level of selfishness and ignorance that I can't tolerate.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Babies.
I'm sure I've done a post about this before, but it was all about PKD and babies. I'd rather just write a post about babies. Where do I even start? I guess I should start by stating my position on it right now, and that's that I have no clue what to do, but I'm leaning towards a "not gonna happen".
All growing up, I never wanted a kid. I occasionally considered adoption, but I mostly just wanted to spend my life in a career I loved and not contribute to an overpopulation problem. That was a problem that used to terrify me before I learned all of the intricacies behind it. It's still a bit scary but, for many reasons, it's just not as scary anymore. I also was scared to death of having a kid. Being pregnant. That was terrifying. And it's only gotten more so.
Before, I only knew that I had a blood-clotting disorder. My sister is homozygous for it. She nearly died having her four kids. After each one, her doctor suggested not having another. Luckily, I'm only heterozygous, but there are still risks involved. I'd have to give myself blood-thinning shots every single day for nine months. I hate needles, and I especially hate using them on myself. It just puts a pit in my throat. But I'd rather have those than a pulmonary embolism, stroke, DVT, or die.
Or I could just not have a kid. Which is what I ultimately decided to do. There was also the fact that I don't get kids. I don't really click with them. I don't understand trying to entertain them. Not that it's always hard, but people put on shows for them and smile constantly. I just don't know if I can do that, or that I have the energy for it anyway. That seems stupid, but I seriously have problems with kids.
That changed when I got married. I didn't care about any of that stuff anymore, I just wanted something that could show how much I love my husband. I wanted something that was "us". Something we can take care of together, that can't be taken away. A baby is perfect for that. I know I would love it. It was half him, I had to love it! I would still get occasional bouts of horror and guilt wondering how I could bring a child into this dying world. I mean, violence, poverty, and corruption were one thing, but global warming was another. This world is burning up and literally dying before me, how can I wish that on my child?
Then the PKD thing happened. I could go on an on and on about it, but my main concern is that my blood clotting risk (the risk in every stage of kidney disease) is even higher than I thought. I have a 1 in 10 chance of dying from an aneurysm (which, if I have one, usually kills in your early 30's). I have a higher risk of stroke, pulmonary embolism, DVT, death, eclampsia (deadly), pre-eclampsia, permanent high blood pressure, permanent kidney/cyst growth, and permanent kidney damage.
And now there is guilt and risk associated with each child having a 50% chance of inheriting PKD. They already have a 25% chance of getting my blood clotting disorder. PKD hasn't been a big deal for me yet, but I know it is a bigger deal for some people earlier in life. It's still a systemic, life-threatening, progressive illness. And I don't want them to be upset with me with whatever I choose to do for treatment or non-treatment (which I'm leaning toward). I don't want them to hate me.
All growing up, I never wanted a kid. I occasionally considered adoption, but I mostly just wanted to spend my life in a career I loved and not contribute to an overpopulation problem. That was a problem that used to terrify me before I learned all of the intricacies behind it. It's still a bit scary but, for many reasons, it's just not as scary anymore. I also was scared to death of having a kid. Being pregnant. That was terrifying. And it's only gotten more so.
Before, I only knew that I had a blood-clotting disorder. My sister is homozygous for it. She nearly died having her four kids. After each one, her doctor suggested not having another. Luckily, I'm only heterozygous, but there are still risks involved. I'd have to give myself blood-thinning shots every single day for nine months. I hate needles, and I especially hate using them on myself. It just puts a pit in my throat. But I'd rather have those than a pulmonary embolism, stroke, DVT, or die.
Or I could just not have a kid. Which is what I ultimately decided to do. There was also the fact that I don't get kids. I don't really click with them. I don't understand trying to entertain them. Not that it's always hard, but people put on shows for them and smile constantly. I just don't know if I can do that, or that I have the energy for it anyway. That seems stupid, but I seriously have problems with kids.
That changed when I got married. I didn't care about any of that stuff anymore, I just wanted something that could show how much I love my husband. I wanted something that was "us". Something we can take care of together, that can't be taken away. A baby is perfect for that. I know I would love it. It was half him, I had to love it! I would still get occasional bouts of horror and guilt wondering how I could bring a child into this dying world. I mean, violence, poverty, and corruption were one thing, but global warming was another. This world is burning up and literally dying before me, how can I wish that on my child?
Then the PKD thing happened. I could go on an on and on about it, but my main concern is that my blood clotting risk (the risk in every stage of kidney disease) is even higher than I thought. I have a 1 in 10 chance of dying from an aneurysm (which, if I have one, usually kills in your early 30's). I have a higher risk of stroke, pulmonary embolism, DVT, death, eclampsia (deadly), pre-eclampsia, permanent high blood pressure, permanent kidney/cyst growth, and permanent kidney damage.
And now there is guilt and risk associated with each child having a 50% chance of inheriting PKD. They already have a 25% chance of getting my blood clotting disorder. PKD hasn't been a big deal for me yet, but I know it is a bigger deal for some people earlier in life. It's still a systemic, life-threatening, progressive illness. And I don't want them to be upset with me with whatever I choose to do for treatment or non-treatment (which I'm leaning toward). I don't want them to hate me.
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