Babies.

I'm sure I've done a post about this before, but it was all about PKD and babies. I'd rather just write a post about babies. Where do I even start? I guess I should start by stating my position on it right now, and that's that I have no clue what to do, but I'm leaning towards a "not gonna happen".

All growing up, I never wanted a kid. I occasionally considered adoption, but I mostly just wanted to spend my life in a career I loved and not contribute to an overpopulation problem. That was a problem that used to terrify me before I learned all of the intricacies behind it. It's still a bit scary but, for many reasons, it's just not as scary anymore. I also was scared to death of having a kid. Being pregnant. That was terrifying. And it's only gotten more so.

Before, I only knew that I had a blood-clotting disorder. My sister is homozygous for it. She nearly died having her four kids. After each one, her doctor suggested not having another. Luckily, I'm only heterozygous, but there are still risks involved. I'd have to give myself blood-thinning shots every single day for nine months. I hate needles, and I especially hate using them on myself. It just puts a pit in my throat. But I'd rather have those than a pulmonary embolism, stroke, DVT, or die.

Or I could just not have a kid. Which is what I ultimately decided to do. There was also the fact that I don't get kids. I don't really click with them. I don't understand trying to entertain them. Not that it's always hard, but people put on shows for them and smile constantly. I just don't know if I can do that, or that I have the energy for it anyway. That seems stupid, but I seriously have problems with kids.

That changed when I got married. I didn't care about any of that stuff anymore, I just wanted something that could show how much I love my husband. I wanted something that was "us". Something we can take care of together, that can't be taken away. A baby is perfect for that. I know I would love it. It was half him, I had to love it! I would still get occasional bouts of horror and guilt wondering how I could bring a child into this dying world. I mean, violence, poverty, and corruption were one thing, but global warming was another. This world is burning up and literally dying before me, how can I wish that on my child?

Then the PKD thing happened. I could go on an on and on about it, but my main concern is that my blood clotting risk (the risk in every stage of kidney disease) is even higher than I thought. I have a 1 in 10 chance of dying from an aneurysm (which, if I have one, usually kills in your early 30's). I have a higher risk of stroke, pulmonary embolism, DVT, death, eclampsia (deadly), pre-eclampsia, permanent high blood pressure, permanent kidney/cyst growth, and permanent kidney damage.

And now there is guilt and risk associated with each child having a 50% chance of inheriting PKD. They already have a 25% chance of getting my blood clotting disorder. PKD hasn't been a big deal for me yet, but I know it is a bigger deal for some people earlier in life. It's still a systemic, life-threatening, progressive illness. And I don't want them to be upset with me with whatever I choose to do for treatment or non-treatment (which I'm leaning toward). I don't want them to hate me.