So I've shared my fears and all that noise, but I realize now that I didn't say anything about if we did have babies. Adoption is an open book for me, so it's not really worth talking about because I'm not picky about it.
But if we did have our own babies from my own body, we want boys. Just boys, please. But I know that probably wouldn't be the case. See, I only have one baby (pregnancy aside) dream I can remember. And it was certainly the only one where I felt such a connection to the child. Even while I was asleep, I felt this deep, deep love for the baby. And she was a girl. I even knew her name. It was a name I'd never considered before the dream, but it suited her. She was Joanna. And her middle name is Evelyn.
Now, I don't like reading too much into dreams because they usually tend to be a hodgepodge of things I've thought about the day before. But this was different. That deep, loving connection felt so real. I wonder if it is.
Anyway, when I did imagine having kids, I always pictured 3 as the top-off. Absolutely no more than 3. Being sick kinda helped me want fewer. If we have any, I'd be perfectly fine with just 1. Maybe 2. In my religious circle, that's almost unheard of. I will expect judgement, especially if we have no kids. And I'd be lying if I said that aspect didn't affect my decision-making process. I don't need that. I want to feel welcome at church. But it's a place where many people state that it's our highest calling and even our purpose in this life. I worry it would be a hostile environment or people will just write me off as some political hump or that I'm infertile or something. But avoiding judgement is no reason to have a baby.
Another factor is my in-laws. My mother-in-law has always judged me pretty harshly. Now, I doubt I'm the only one with this problem. Ours is just a little different in that she's never made an attempt to get to know me, she largely ignored any attempt I made at contacting her, she'd call me names to my husband, and probably bad-talked me behind my back. She does that, apparently and it's probably why many members of her family (who also don't know me) hate me.
Now, I'm probably making her sound like a monster, but everyone has good qualities. I know she does, so my point isn't to make her sound terrible, my point is that we don't get along. I've decided not to have anything to do with her lately and I wonder if having a child would just exacerbate the issue. I don't want to be in the same room as her, but if she wants to see her son's child, I believe she has that right - no matter how much I hate it.
But her and the females in her family are largely into the religious circle's belief that a woman's place is in the home. As far as I know, not one of them planned on not being a stay-at-home-mom. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them believing or wanting that. There isn't. It's just not what I've wanted. It's not something I want for me. So I wonder if not having kids would make Steve's mom hate me more. Even though I'm sick.
Another thing is that I just feel so dang tired all the time. I don't think I can explain how tired I am. Not just physical fatigue, but I just feel drained all the time. How can I raise a child like that? I'm really lucky that Steve is so good with kids, but he'd be working a lot. Even if we both worked, I'd have to watch the kid sometime and I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also worried about my chronic constipation. I know pregnancy worsens that problem, and I honestly can't handle it getting any worse. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get my colon removed. Heck, even a colostomy is alright with me at this point. But I (perhaps stupidly) have hope that a doctor will take me seriously someday and actually figure out what is going on down there. There are so many tests they have yet to do (though they have done a lot). I know if they cared enough, they'd fix what was wrong.
Ugh. Anyway, there is more baby stuff for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment