I can't begin to explain how mental illness (mine are depression and anxiety disorder) disrupts my life. I can't tell you how much I try to be normal. How much I try to "put on a happy face" and "get over it". It is not that simple and if it was, I would have fixed it by now, I assure you.
- Most troubling to me is the need for sleep (and lots of it). If I can't get 10 - 12 hours, I will nap during the day for about 4 hours - no matter how long I've slept. My sleeping patterns are a horror. It is difficult to develop and continue a good pattern because it all "just depends". If I've been around people that day, I need even more sleep.
- I get a strange physical reaction to people, some more than others. My throat closes up and my voice gets high-pitched. I sweat sometimes, and I blush other times. My heart races every time. I get really light and numb. I try to avoid contact if possible. I really wish I could control this aspect the most because it is probably the most debilitating. Think about it. You need to have good communication in practically any situation or you appear weak, unstable, or shy. I'm not shy. That isn't me, but people think it is because I hardly talk around people who aren't my immediate family. They think I am two-faced and fake because I'm scared - which is something I can't control.
- Pessimism. I can't help but expect the worst in every situation, especially when it comes to people. Pessimists are annoying, they drag you down, and their bad vibes are contagious. I hate this way of thinking, but I can't help but expect the worst - especially when it comes to society and social situations. Obviously what I think isn't entirely unfounded, but I know it's wrong because I've seen that people are good. I know that they always end up surprising me, yet I still think this way.
- Another reason for the pessimism is that I worry all the time. What I worry about the most are things that I can't change. They are: Global warming, wars, getting old, natural disasters, being useless, being jobless due to what I am, and dictatorship. I worry a great deal about making people around me uneasy like I am. My doctor says that that is something I need to accept, but even after acceptance, it doesn't change how scary they are and how very imminent they are.
- My memory is really bad. It used to not be so bad (still not great), but after taking benzodiazepines for the anxiety (which was really working), I realized that my sentences weren't connecting anymore and I was forgetting names of basic things. I was forced to stop and my memory has yet to restore itself.
- I am "sad" a lot. I don't know how to explain it, but it isn't simply sadness. It is more like nothingness. I feel like I am going nowhere and I have no hope and no prospects for warranting hope. I feel guilt for not being who I am meant to be, and I feel ashamed for not being able to "be strong".
- Other common issues include: sexual dysfunction (which I will spare you the details of), irritability (poor Stephen), and weird, dull aches.
What some people don't know is that there are bonuses to mental illness.
- For instance, when things do bring you joy, you appreciate them so much more. Think of it like this: a butterfly and an ant go to space. The butterfly, which is used to flying will still enjoy being weightless, but the ant, who is used to being grounded, will get more of a thrill.
- We can understand and recognize mental illness in others. We have an instant connection with people like us. We can talk about things that other people wouldn't get and therefore, we have an instant fellowship.
You have to accept this part of you eventually. You don't have to embrace it and label yourself, but you have to acknowledge that it is there. I try to accept the good and the bad as me, because I know I'm not kicking this anytime soon. I guess it is apart of me in a way. Mental illness or no, I know who I am. She's in here.
There are three myths/stigmas following mental illness that I just wanted to address (the whole reason I started this post). There are many, many more, but I wanted to address these, because I see them a lot.
Mental Illness does NOT garner sympathy from others. For some odd reason, some healthy people want to be mentally ill. They say they are mentally ill (usually depressed) and do not seek help or medication. What this means is that the problem is not big enough to bother you to seek treatment and is therefore, BY DEFINITION, not mental illness. I've tried to gather the reason for this, and what I've deduced is the want for attention or sympathy. I hate to tell you, but you don't get this. If anything, you get the opposite. When I was first started on medication in fact, any irritability or overreaction was followed by "Did you forget to take your medication today or something?" or "Geez, take a pill/up your dose." You do NOT get sympathy and you do NOT get extra attention (at least good extra attention) by any means.
Mental Illness does NOT make you cool or neat. Sure, it makes you unusual, and perhaps quirky, but not cool. If a mentally ill person is cool, their coolness makes them cool, not their mental illness. In fact, mental illness puts a damper on your coolness, if you ask me.
Mental Illness is NOT something you can control. Someone related once told my mom: "I think I have what Vanessa and ________ have, only I can control mine better." FALSE. Basically, if you can control it without medication, you don't have an actual problem.
I hope this has helped you to understand where we come from and what mental illness is. Depression is especially common, and anyone can experience it at any point in their lives. If you are experiencing serious depression, seek help and remember that you are not alone.
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