My most tragic tale

Right now I am married to the sweetest, smartest, most lovely creature on the face of the Earth. He is my best friend. We've been through a lot together. I've never been hurt so badly by anyone before and I've never been so uplifted by anyone. He is everything to me, he is perfect for me, he is my other half. I can't imagine anyone better-suited for me than him, but I was not always so sure.

We were both in very dark places of our lives when we met (for the second time). We were friends since middle school, and although we fought frequently, we secretly loved each other and I think we both knew it. For some reason, we lost touch after our sophomore year in high school.

Anyway, I had just lost my job due to mental illness. I had cut up my arm for the first time (also mental illness related), and I was due to drop out of school (for all kinds of reasons, the biggest being that I had no more money). He was not doing anything, really. He was entangled in pornography and the remains of a bad relationship - which eventually resulted in the most painful experience of my life.

He "never cut things off" (was still occasionally sleeping) with his ex and ended up cheating on me twice while we were dating. I'm talking about actual sex, of which we had not had at that point and was probably the reason he decided to do it. It was not long afterward that I lost my virginity to him, believing that he was everything to me and that our relationship was loving and pure. I had not known of this deceit obviously, but I absolutely adored him. I had fallen deeply in love ever since our first date.

At first, he was not upfront. He told me a story or two about an encounter that only resulted in lighter offenses. It hurt even then, but it wasn't until I heard the full story in July or so that I broke inside. I don't know how else to explain it...I was so angry. I was so distraught. I felt like I had been a puppet in some insidious plot made by God as a way to punish me. I had no one to turn to. For some reason, I felt like I could only find solace in Stephen, even though he was 50% of the cause of my suffering. He was still everything to me, I never stopped loving him.

It isn't like it was undeserved by me. I had consciously given my virginity to him. I just knew we were meant to be together. I knew God knew how I felt. It was almost like it was okay and that God understood and would have mercy on me because of my mental state. Obviously, this was not the case. God would never want you to hurt yourself.

He had been in contact with her this whole time. He had talked with her as if they were still dating behind my back. They even talked about me and my family sometimes. The second and last time they cheated on me was just before I came to his house that day. I called and, apparently, had interrupted their session. I knew he was acting weird, and I knew she was there, but I didn't piece together what had been happening. Once I hung up, they continued, finished, and she left before I got there. I brought it up and he said she was just there to pick some things up. I believed him.

As soon as I learned the full story, I was furious - especially at his ex. I messaged her, confronting her about what she had done. She denied everything - another blow. She denied ever even having a relationship with Stephen. She blocked me and had her friend tell me about how I was such a huge liar and how good her friend was - she would never do something like that. I couldn't stand being called a liar, after all of this. Of course, Stephen "didn't know what to do" and, in fact, did nothing.

I finally had him unfriend her on Facebook, about which he cried a lot. He "didn't want to be mean". After what he did to me? After what she did to me? After a long ordeal, he finally unfriended her.

It took forever to heal. Even now, I am not whole. I've actually gone to her house twice to apologize for getting angry and to give her flowers. She was very nice, but she still has not apologized to me, and I doubt she ever will. Why should she? She is getting married to the love of her life in the temple. She is seeing her bishop and being forgiven. Why should she apologize for poisoning my trust? My relationship? My outlook? My life?

It's completely unfair. The kicker? I introduced her to her knight in shining armor. He is a talented, smart, return missionary who would never do this to her. I'm the reason they got together in the first place.

To top it off, Stephen did not care to stop viewing pornography. He was discouraged because this had been a battle of his for a long time. I was patient, but I did not get the feeling after awhile that he meant to stop anytime soon. I tried everything. I started to cut myself every time I found out about it. I wanted him to see what he was doing to me (like I said, very mentally ill). It made sense to me, but since it didn't change his ways, I figured he didn't care.

Eventually, it all came to a head and I broke down for the first time in front of him. I could hardly stand. I told him that was it and I was leaving. I loved him dearly, but I was done being his chump. I was done with his emotional abuse. I cried hysterically as I attempted to leave his house, but he did something strange.

He cried too. Real tears, for the first time. He grabbed me and held me as close as he could. I swung my arms, trying to get away from him, but I was weak. I hit him in the chest a few times, trying to make him let go. I even tore his shirt, but he wouldn't let go. He would not let me leave.

Through his tears, he begged and begged for me to stay. He began spouting out all the things he loved about me and how sorry he was for all that had happened. He was genuinely remorseful for the first time. There we were on his wooden living room floor, crying. I knew then that he was finally going to change. And he has.

Stephen and I have grown a lot since then. He is not that person anymore and neither am I. He eventually realized the errors of his ways. He realized what he had done to me and has apologized profusely ever since. He has stopped viewing pornography completely. He is happier now. He is so kind to me now. He does everything he can to please me. His purpose is to make me happy. He loves me, I know it.

I have changed too. I have learned to be careful who you love and how you go about loving them. I've learned that patience pays off, but you have to be willing to deal with the consequences of that. I will do my VERY BEST to keep people from engaging in pre-marital sex. I had managed to avoid it for 20 years and I didn't realize how prevalent this problem was until I was part of it. It hurts in every way possible. You will always pay dearly for that sin. I have serious, chronic health issues stemming from the use of antibiotics used for the cuts and pus from losing my virginity. I realized early on that I have sexual dysfunction (which still causes me all kinds of pain). The worst part though, is not even the daunting repentance process or the judgement from others - of which I couldn't care less about - it's the disappointment from my parents and Steve's parents that kills me.

I wish I could tell them my story without breaking their hearts. I know they'll blame themselves, but it was our decision that we made with thinking from minds that weren't in proper shape. I am so sorry for what we have done and I have paid the price for it. I can't speak for Stephen, but I think he feels the same way. I just wish I could have made them proud.

It says in my patriarchal blessing that I will go through many trials in my life. It also says that I will teach young women and that "as [I] share the feelings of my heart about the gospel, [I] will be influential in bringing it to others". I hope none of the trials are as trying as this and I hope that I can teach those girls from my suffering. I hope I can teach them not to get into bad relationships and that God has good, big plans for them all. Most importantly, that their happiness is just not worth the temporal enjoyment of sex. It really isn't.