Things are just great. I'm so happy I'm getting help!
I just love the heck out of my husband. I am so in love with him. He's just everything to me. We have a very happy marriage, despite my health and the hardships in our dating and engaged life. I hear a lot of newlyweds talk about fighting over stupid things and I'm just happy we're beyond that. Not saying we're superior at all, but we're both so (maybe too) carefree. Very compatible, I guess. We're just happy! My marriage is awesome and I'm proud to say it!
I realized I'm going to get my associates early next year. It only took...six years and four institutes of higher education. Golly. Seriously...good grief. BUT I'll finally have that stupid piece of paper, some amount of street cred (maybe), and qualification for a lot of jobs that I'd like. Not to mention the fact that I'll be only 54 or so credits from a bachelors. It sounds daunting, but criminal justice is my jam. I could totally crank that out in a year and a semester. That will be 7.5 years to get a bachelors. I guess that's not too bad!
And I think I've settled on a direction. I'll get my bachelors (because I'm so sick of transferring) and hopefully a surgical technician thing or a clinical laboratory assistant thing so I can be eligible to do autopsies. Maybe mortuary school? And then it's on to death investigation! Heck, I may not even need that extra stuff in some counties. I don't know. And I'm seriously considering private investigation. I love stalking people and finding out everything about them. It would totally be a fit for me. There are just so many possibilities.
Stephen's job really helps with financial stability. I'm so happy I don't have to worry about money too much. I worry about his grades and I'm sad he can't spend more time with me, but we're working to fix that. He's thinking of dropping a day a week so he can study and remain sane.
There are just so many possibilities in our life! Nothing is stable, and that's great sometimes. I'm really hoping I can get a cat soon. Or any pet, really. I miss having things I love in my life. They may not bring me as much joy anymore, but it's better than nothing. I'd love to have something to love and take care of. I'd love to play viola and water polo. I'd like to have my rock collection. I guess I have some of it still...
Anyway, things are great right now, despite my failures and disappointments.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Presentation
Today I got to do a presentation on domestic violence for my criminal justice class. I love this topic. There is so much to it. It's such a pervasive, yet invisible problem. And I'm always happy to educate people who may be victims. I want them to get the courage to move on with their lives.
Anyway, it was a group presentation (assault, domestic violence, stalking, and elder abuse). I SO did not want to be nervous, so I took an extra pill. 3 total. My head is still spinning. I guess for people with neuropathic pain, it's better to be dizzy than to be in pain, so that works. And for me it's better to be dizzy than anxious, but golly. I don't even know if I should drive right now and I'm only taking 600mg a day (plus that one so 700mg today). But people who take it for pain usually take 900mg to 1800mg a day. HOOOOOOWWW? I can't believe it.
Anyway, gabapentin (I've been spelling it wrong for forever) is AWESOME! I love it. I still blush sometimes when I talk, but it's awesome. I'm a little worried about weight gain and sexual dysfunction (got enough of that, thanks!), but this is great medicine. I've been on a lot of things and this just has virtually no bad side-effects and it's effective! I'd like to not be depressed anymore and, in fact, gabapentin increases suicidal tendencies, but therapy should help with that. Maybe.
Also, I'm so happy I could present a coherent presentation. I was so worried, but everything was good. We even had the giant technical issue of not being able to use our slides since the computer was down it was no big. It just went really well. I'm so happy! I can't wait to read the reviews of our presentation.
Anyway, it was a group presentation (assault, domestic violence, stalking, and elder abuse). I SO did not want to be nervous, so I took an extra pill. 3 total. My head is still spinning. I guess for people with neuropathic pain, it's better to be dizzy than to be in pain, so that works. And for me it's better to be dizzy than anxious, but golly. I don't even know if I should drive right now and I'm only taking 600mg a day (plus that one so 700mg today). But people who take it for pain usually take 900mg to 1800mg a day. HOOOOOOWWW? I can't believe it.
Anyway, gabapentin (I've been spelling it wrong for forever) is AWESOME! I love it. I still blush sometimes when I talk, but it's awesome. I'm a little worried about weight gain and sexual dysfunction (got enough of that, thanks!), but this is great medicine. I've been on a lot of things and this just has virtually no bad side-effects and it's effective! I'd like to not be depressed anymore and, in fact, gabapentin increases suicidal tendencies, but therapy should help with that. Maybe.
Also, I'm so happy I could present a coherent presentation. I was so worried, but everything was good. We even had the giant technical issue of not being able to use our slides since the computer was down it was no big. It just went really well. I'm so happy! I can't wait to read the reviews of our presentation.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Volunteer?
Saturday was my last day of training. It was going pretty well.
Except that I was so worried I'd sleep through it that I didn't sleep at all.
I considered taking extra pills to compensate, but ultimately decided against it. I worried it would've made me dizzy. Anyway, I got there on time, and I didn't get lost! Things were going surprisingly well despite all the boring BORING paperwork we had to do! We had a delicious lunch. I was able to converse with some of the other volunteers with no problem. I was only as nervous as usual.
So I don't know why, then, I freaked out toward the very bitter end. 9 hours of training, and I stuck through 8.25 hours of it.
It was the group exercises that got me. Even those were okay, but it just got to be too much, too close to people...the usual. Everything. Why did we have to do four of them?
Anyway, the last one I just couldn't take it for some reason. Luckily, I got out before anyone could notice anything, but wow. It was incredibly embarrassing. I could barely (if I even did) tell the director why I couldn't stay and I just had to go home. She said we'd keep in touch and I asked her if I could still be a volunteer. She said yes, but I haven't heard anything yet.
I don't know if I'll ever hear anything. I don't know if I want to go back. I'm too embarrassed. But I'm still passionate about this. I gave up quite a bit to be at training, I don't want that to be in vain.
We'll see I suppose. Maybe I'm not cut out to do anything.
Except that I was so worried I'd sleep through it that I didn't sleep at all.
I considered taking extra pills to compensate, but ultimately decided against it. I worried it would've made me dizzy. Anyway, I got there on time, and I didn't get lost! Things were going surprisingly well despite all the boring BORING paperwork we had to do! We had a delicious lunch. I was able to converse with some of the other volunteers with no problem. I was only as nervous as usual.
So I don't know why, then, I freaked out toward the very bitter end. 9 hours of training, and I stuck through 8.25 hours of it.
It was the group exercises that got me. Even those were okay, but it just got to be too much, too close to people...the usual. Everything. Why did we have to do four of them?
Anyway, the last one I just couldn't take it for some reason. Luckily, I got out before anyone could notice anything, but wow. It was incredibly embarrassing. I could barely (if I even did) tell the director why I couldn't stay and I just had to go home. She said we'd keep in touch and I asked her if I could still be a volunteer. She said yes, but I haven't heard anything yet.
I don't know if I'll ever hear anything. I don't know if I want to go back. I'm too embarrassed. But I'm still passionate about this. I gave up quite a bit to be at training, I don't want that to be in vain.
We'll see I suppose. Maybe I'm not cut out to do anything.
Monday, February 23, 2015
DBT Therapy
Today I finally saw Dr.Knowles again. I like her, she knows so much about medication and she really wants to help. I came in to tell her that my medication was becoming less and less effective. After a few questions about the depression and a few other things, she told me she wants me to try DBT therapy.
I've never heard of this before, but she is pretty sure it would be a great fit. She said I'd benefit a lot from therapy, and she thinks this type would help. The more I look at it, the more I feel like she may be right! It's mostly for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it's also for people who are chronically suicidal and do self-harm (check).
"A key assumption in DBT is that self-destructive behaviors are learned coping techniques for unbearably intense and negative emotions. Negative emotions like shame, guilt, sadness, fear, and anger are a normal part of life. However, it seems that some people are particularly inclined to have very intense and frequent negative emotions. Sometimes, the human brain is simply “hard-wired” to experience stronger emotions, just like an expensive stereo is “hard-wired” to produce very complex sounds. Or, it could be that severe emotional or physical trauma causes changes in the brain to make it more vulnerable to intense feeling states. Additionally, sometimes clients have mood disorders – Major Depression or Generalized Anxiety -- that are not controlled by standard medications and thus lead to emotional suffering. Any one of these factors, or any combination of them, can lead to a problem called emotional vulnerability." Basically, "A person who is emotionally vulnerable tends to have quick, intense, and difficult-to-control emotional reactions that make his or her life seem like a rollercoaster." (check). Also, everyone thinks I'm crazy.
Another large contribution to emotional vulnerability is an invalidating environment. "The “environment,” in this case, is usually other people. “Invalidating” refers to a failure to treat a person in a manner that conveys attention, respect, and understanding." Examples of an invalidating environment can range from mismatched personalities of children and parents (e.g., a shy child growing up in a family of extraverts who tease her about her shyness); to extremes of physical or emotional abuse. Check.
So the purpose of DBT, as I understand it, is to help people deal with their intense emotions and reactive episodes. That's when we do self-harm. That's when we get distraught and, at least in my experience, the most at-risk for going through with suicide.
I'm pretty excited about it except for the fact that group formats are usually recommended because they've been proven to be the most effective form of treatment. Not the best for a social phobe. Also, I don't know if I want total strangers hearing my noise. But Dr.Knowles has helped me so far, so I'm thinking she knows what she's talking about.
Edit: Oh yeah, and I'm gonna take two 100mg gabbapentins 3 times a day now. It seems to help so far.
I've never heard of this before, but she is pretty sure it would be a great fit. She said I'd benefit a lot from therapy, and she thinks this type would help. The more I look at it, the more I feel like she may be right! It's mostly for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it's also for people who are chronically suicidal and do self-harm (check).
"A key assumption in DBT is that self-destructive behaviors are learned coping techniques for unbearably intense and negative emotions. Negative emotions like shame, guilt, sadness, fear, and anger are a normal part of life. However, it seems that some people are particularly inclined to have very intense and frequent negative emotions. Sometimes, the human brain is simply “hard-wired” to experience stronger emotions, just like an expensive stereo is “hard-wired” to produce very complex sounds. Or, it could be that severe emotional or physical trauma causes changes in the brain to make it more vulnerable to intense feeling states. Additionally, sometimes clients have mood disorders – Major Depression or Generalized Anxiety -- that are not controlled by standard medications and thus lead to emotional suffering. Any one of these factors, or any combination of them, can lead to a problem called emotional vulnerability." Basically, "A person who is emotionally vulnerable tends to have quick, intense, and difficult-to-control emotional reactions that make his or her life seem like a rollercoaster." (check). Also, everyone thinks I'm crazy.
Another large contribution to emotional vulnerability is an invalidating environment. "The “environment,” in this case, is usually other people. “Invalidating” refers to a failure to treat a person in a manner that conveys attention, respect, and understanding." Examples of an invalidating environment can range from mismatched personalities of children and parents (e.g., a shy child growing up in a family of extraverts who tease her about her shyness); to extremes of physical or emotional abuse. Check.
So the purpose of DBT, as I understand it, is to help people deal with their intense emotions and reactive episodes. That's when we do self-harm. That's when we get distraught and, at least in my experience, the most at-risk for going through with suicide.
I'm pretty excited about it except for the fact that group formats are usually recommended because they've been proven to be the most effective form of treatment. Not the best for a social phobe. Also, I don't know if I want total strangers hearing my noise. But Dr.Knowles has helped me so far, so I'm thinking she knows what she's talking about.
Edit: Oh yeah, and I'm gonna take two 100mg gabbapentins 3 times a day now. It seems to help so far.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Boundaries
Today we learned about boundaries. It's pretty important in a shelter situation because, oftentimes, survivors -especially those of sexual assault - have lines you can easily cross. So we as volunteers need boundaries. As well, we'd like the survivors to learn to empower themselves and build their own boundaries. They're so used to trying to please everyone, they have to (especially in the mormon world) be forgiving, nice, perfect women who should be able to do it all. They just don't usually learn to say "no", so saying "no" brings great anxiety.
I definitely see a good deal of that in my own life. It's hard to say "no" as a woman because society at large just isn't used to it. Another example is telling a kid to hug whoever. It's not respectful of that child's boundaries if you force them or pressure them to hug whichever relative. You're conditioning them not to trust their own feelings and choose what's best for them.
Sadly, this was a new concept.
Perhaps more sadly, I realized more and more as we went on that I just don't respect other peoples' boundaries at all. Part of that is the fact that I think people take their privacy WAY too seriously. A bigger part is my own boundaries. I have only a few boundaries, but they're so...intense. I will not accept anyone beyond an acquaintance level if they won't be open and 100% honest with me. It's just a requirement.
I don't know if that's just trust issues, hypervigilance, or what, but it's a requirement. People who won't respect me enough to be honest and open with me are chaff in the wind. The problem with that is that most peoples' boundaries (or their placement of importance on privacy) keeps them from being that way. On the other hand, I act that way because I expect it, so maybe I'm also stepping over others' boundaries of decency. So...I literally just don't respect their boundaries. I look down on people who won't be honest and open and a little on people who don't accept me being honest and open.
I felt like a bad person, but at the same time I felt empowered. I can say "no". I can have my intense boundaries and rules, but I do have to deal with the consequences. And I feel like one of those is just not having many friends. I don't let many people in. However, on the other side of the coin, the friends I do have are very close to me because I can trust them. They're excellent friends.
It was just an interesting concept to learn. I'm trying to figure out how to accept other peoples' boundaries - whether I think they're ridiculous or not.
I definitely see a good deal of that in my own life. It's hard to say "no" as a woman because society at large just isn't used to it. Another example is telling a kid to hug whoever. It's not respectful of that child's boundaries if you force them or pressure them to hug whichever relative. You're conditioning them not to trust their own feelings and choose what's best for them.
Sadly, this was a new concept.
Perhaps more sadly, I realized more and more as we went on that I just don't respect other peoples' boundaries at all. Part of that is the fact that I think people take their privacy WAY too seriously. A bigger part is my own boundaries. I have only a few boundaries, but they're so...intense. I will not accept anyone beyond an acquaintance level if they won't be open and 100% honest with me. It's just a requirement.
I don't know if that's just trust issues, hypervigilance, or what, but it's a requirement. People who won't respect me enough to be honest and open with me are chaff in the wind. The problem with that is that most peoples' boundaries (or their placement of importance on privacy) keeps them from being that way. On the other hand, I act that way because I expect it, so maybe I'm also stepping over others' boundaries of decency. So...I literally just don't respect their boundaries. I look down on people who won't be honest and open and a little on people who don't accept me being honest and open.
I felt like a bad person, but at the same time I felt empowered. I can say "no". I can have my intense boundaries and rules, but I do have to deal with the consequences. And I feel like one of those is just not having many friends. I don't let many people in. However, on the other side of the coin, the friends I do have are very close to me because I can trust them. They're excellent friends.
It was just an interesting concept to learn. I'm trying to figure out how to accept other peoples' boundaries - whether I think they're ridiculous or not.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
I am just done.
I'm done with the judgment. I'm so done with these awful people being my in-laws. I don't know why I tried. I really don't. They think they know everything about everything and can't handle being told they're wrong sometimes. They dish it out. Anytime they don't agree 100% with what I say or if I misspeak or don't use the optimal word, they'll say something, but if I do the same, I "fly off the handle" and I'm so crazy and so belligerent. It's incredible. They're just judgmental, mean people. I'm just not interested in having that in my life. I'm not equipped with the mental fortitude to handle it.
I think I've reached my breaking point. I just swore at the one aunt I get along with (on my husband's mother's side anyway). I blocked her of course, but I already feel bad. I said: "F**k you" (not starred out) which I'm not too sorry about, but then I called her a "stupid bitch". And I am sorry about that. Already. I'm incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about that, but I blocked her before I thought to delete those comments. Yikes. I don't want her to see that one, but it's probably too late. I'll have to ask Stephen to apologize for me? Maybe. I don't know anymore.
My brother in law talked to me today, for the first time about something of substance. I added him back as a friend, but I don't see how he'd want to be friends after he sees what I said to his aunt.
I can't believe I did that...
But I can't take anymore of their abuse. I can't handle them. And if it means making the remaining few who like me hate me, then fine I guess. I'd rather have been friends. I'd rather have been welcomed. I'd rather not have to drop my husband off at their get-togethers. I want to be with him.
Maybe I'm the problem. But if that's the case, I don't know how to fix me so they'll accept me. I don't know what they want from me.
EDIT: So it's been a few hours. Stephen and I met up and had a good time in the sun for a bit before he had to go to work. We've been chatting with his dad. I drop Stephen off and I get a message on my phone. It's from my mother-in-law. A sense of dread just chilled me to the bone and I thought: "Oh I knew this was coming." After all, I did just cuss her sister out.
When I opened the phone though, I read the words: "You okay?" And I was like...whatintheeff? I mean, we're on good terms now. It's not where I want it to be yet, but we have a relationship now. And some days when I'm alone with my wild thoughts, the only thing keeping me from ruining that is the fact that I promised her I'd talk to her if I had a problem. I promised her we'd have a relationship.
So...things weren't perfect, and I was sure I messed things up again. I was sure that was the final cut to the cord that binds me to my husband's family. Yet here she was asking if I was okay. And she just ran with it. I think we even made plans to hang out together soon. It's terrifying, but soooo awesome.
I'm constantly surprised by her. I'm really grateful she wasn't mad. She even backed me! I don't know, it was just what I needed today. And I've deactivated my account. I maybe need that too. It's a place filled with constant hostility. And for what? Opinions? Stupid, uneducated banter? You know I'm probably going back, but I just want to enjoy the honeymoon. Except I did just make a post about how awesome my husband is and I wanted everyone to see and love him like I do for it. Hmm....Facebook is like an abusive relationship. I know better, but I keep coming back.
I think I've reached my breaking point. I just swore at the one aunt I get along with (on my husband's mother's side anyway). I blocked her of course, but I already feel bad. I said: "F**k you" (not starred out) which I'm not too sorry about, but then I called her a "stupid bitch". And I am sorry about that. Already. I'm incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about that, but I blocked her before I thought to delete those comments. Yikes. I don't want her to see that one, but it's probably too late. I'll have to ask Stephen to apologize for me? Maybe. I don't know anymore.
My brother in law talked to me today, for the first time about something of substance. I added him back as a friend, but I don't see how he'd want to be friends after he sees what I said to his aunt.
I can't believe I did that...
But I can't take anymore of their abuse. I can't handle them. And if it means making the remaining few who like me hate me, then fine I guess. I'd rather have been friends. I'd rather have been welcomed. I'd rather not have to drop my husband off at their get-togethers. I want to be with him.
Maybe I'm the problem. But if that's the case, I don't know how to fix me so they'll accept me. I don't know what they want from me.
EDIT: So it's been a few hours. Stephen and I met up and had a good time in the sun for a bit before he had to go to work. We've been chatting with his dad. I drop Stephen off and I get a message on my phone. It's from my mother-in-law. A sense of dread just chilled me to the bone and I thought: "Oh I knew this was coming." After all, I did just cuss her sister out.
When I opened the phone though, I read the words: "You okay?" And I was like...whatintheeff? I mean, we're on good terms now. It's not where I want it to be yet, but we have a relationship now. And some days when I'm alone with my wild thoughts, the only thing keeping me from ruining that is the fact that I promised her I'd talk to her if I had a problem. I promised her we'd have a relationship.
So...things weren't perfect, and I was sure I messed things up again. I was sure that was the final cut to the cord that binds me to my husband's family. Yet here she was asking if I was okay. And she just ran with it. I think we even made plans to hang out together soon. It's terrifying, but soooo awesome.
I'm constantly surprised by her. I'm really grateful she wasn't mad. She even backed me! I don't know, it was just what I needed today. And I've deactivated my account. I maybe need that too. It's a place filled with constant hostility. And for what? Opinions? Stupid, uneducated banter? You know I'm probably going back, but I just want to enjoy the honeymoon. Except I did just make a post about how awesome my husband is and I wanted everyone to see and love him like I do for it. Hmm....Facebook is like an abusive relationship. I know better, but I keep coming back.
Volunteer
I'm only in training still (should be done this Saturday!). I love it so far. I feel like I'm finally doing something meaningful with my life.
It's like I've had this burning in my stomach. This activist, social justiciar, vigilante caged inside and the fire is finally being freed. I'm happy. And I'm finally doing something I actually want to do and/or care about.
There are a few potential problems though. This Saturday is when the shelter will pick it's volunteers. There are too many of us who signed up and I guess not enough work to do! Which is great, but bad if you're a volunteer. I don't know how they'll decide, but only a few of us will actually work at the shelter. I worry that, if I am among the lucky few, I won't do a good job. It's hard to think of anything to say other than "I'm sorry." or "What you're feeling is normal." And all that stuff. The right stuff, but what else?
Anyway, today was amazing. I got to hear two women from the shelter share their experiences. Their abusers were seriously awful. Before them, we got to hear from a victim's advocate. I've been considering this area of employment. Especially lately because I'm trying to figure out if I should go back to mortuary school or continue on to a bachelors after my associates (If I did get my bachelors, I'd want to do this or private investigation). Anyway, I was loving it. I was really getting pumped up.
Then I asked the presenter what she did to get there. And she's like: They require a bachelors. I got my bachelors in criminal justice, and I loved it, I wouldn't change it, but they want you to have a background in social work." Oh...fantastic.
She went on to say that she had to compete with LCSWs and people with masters degrees in social work and how she applied to like 4 or 5 states before she was lucky enough to land her job now. I mean, I guess it's not impossible this way (clearly), being able to speak Spanish should help, but she said criminal justice narrows what you can do in the field.
And that's not the first time I've heard that. I heard it from a criminal justice teacher too, so...
I guess this major really is just for cops. But I love it too. I know what she means when she says she'd do it again. So...now I don't know. But it's not likely I'd do well at that job either because people. But for some reason I feel empowered when I'm doing this. Like I can help victims. Maybe they're special. I don't know. I. Don't. Know.
But today was great! Most everything is going really well today.
It's like I've had this burning in my stomach. This activist, social justiciar, vigilante caged inside and the fire is finally being freed. I'm happy. And I'm finally doing something I actually want to do and/or care about.
There are a few potential problems though. This Saturday is when the shelter will pick it's volunteers. There are too many of us who signed up and I guess not enough work to do! Which is great, but bad if you're a volunteer. I don't know how they'll decide, but only a few of us will actually work at the shelter. I worry that, if I am among the lucky few, I won't do a good job. It's hard to think of anything to say other than "I'm sorry." or "What you're feeling is normal." And all that stuff. The right stuff, but what else?
Anyway, today was amazing. I got to hear two women from the shelter share their experiences. Their abusers were seriously awful. Before them, we got to hear from a victim's advocate. I've been considering this area of employment. Especially lately because I'm trying to figure out if I should go back to mortuary school or continue on to a bachelors after my associates (If I did get my bachelors, I'd want to do this or private investigation). Anyway, I was loving it. I was really getting pumped up.
Then I asked the presenter what she did to get there. And she's like: They require a bachelors. I got my bachelors in criminal justice, and I loved it, I wouldn't change it, but they want you to have a background in social work." Oh...fantastic.
She went on to say that she had to compete with LCSWs and people with masters degrees in social work and how she applied to like 4 or 5 states before she was lucky enough to land her job now. I mean, I guess it's not impossible this way (clearly), being able to speak Spanish should help, but she said criminal justice narrows what you can do in the field.
And that's not the first time I've heard that. I heard it from a criminal justice teacher too, so...
I guess this major really is just for cops. But I love it too. I know what she means when she says she'd do it again. So...now I don't know. But it's not likely I'd do well at that job either because people. But for some reason I feel empowered when I'm doing this. Like I can help victims. Maybe they're special. I don't know. I. Don't. Know.
But today was great! Most everything is going really well today.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Violin
As you know, I really miss my viola.
I continue to have nightmares about my viola and orchestra. This time, like most times, there was a concert to be done and my high school conductor was re-hairing my bow. Only instead of horse hair, it was a basic cotton material. He was telling me it was silk and it was better than horse hair. I went along with it and, as is usual in dreams, sat in the back. No sound came from my viola.
Anyway, one of our friends is lending me his violin. I don't usually touch it because there is never an opportune time to play when your sleep schedule is as crazy as mine. Well, I had a hankering the other day. I took it out, tuned it up (the E string kinda digs into the nut!), and plucked out a few scales and a bit of Pachelbel's Canon in D. I'm not nearly as rusty as I was expecting to be. In fact, it all came flooding back, as far as left-hand workings go.
It was so refreshing. It was revitalizing. And I'm looking at getting a new viola! It will be awhile (unless they have a rent-to-own program) as the good student violas run in the late $1,000 to $3,000. But I'm excited anyway.
I continue to have nightmares about my viola and orchestra. This time, like most times, there was a concert to be done and my high school conductor was re-hairing my bow. Only instead of horse hair, it was a basic cotton material. He was telling me it was silk and it was better than horse hair. I went along with it and, as is usual in dreams, sat in the back. No sound came from my viola.
Anyway, one of our friends is lending me his violin. I don't usually touch it because there is never an opportune time to play when your sleep schedule is as crazy as mine. Well, I had a hankering the other day. I took it out, tuned it up (the E string kinda digs into the nut!), and plucked out a few scales and a bit of Pachelbel's Canon in D. I'm not nearly as rusty as I was expecting to be. In fact, it all came flooding back, as far as left-hand workings go.
It was so refreshing. It was revitalizing. And I'm looking at getting a new viola! It will be awhile (unless they have a rent-to-own program) as the good student violas run in the late $1,000 to $3,000. But I'm excited anyway.
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