I am just done.

I'm done with the judgment. I'm so done with these awful people being my in-laws. I don't know why I tried. I really don't. They think they know everything about everything and can't handle being told they're wrong sometimes. They dish it out. Anytime they don't agree 100% with what I say or if I misspeak or don't use the optimal word, they'll say something, but if I do the same, I "fly off the handle" and I'm so crazy and so belligerent. It's incredible. They're just judgmental, mean people. I'm just not interested in having that in my life. I'm not equipped with the mental fortitude to handle it.

I think I've reached my breaking point. I just swore at the one aunt I get along with (on my husband's mother's side anyway). I blocked her of course, but I already feel bad. I said: "F**k you" (not starred out) which I'm not too sorry about, but then I called her a "stupid bitch". And I am sorry about that. Already. I'm incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about that, but I blocked her before I thought to delete those comments. Yikes. I don't want her to see that one, but it's probably too late. I'll have to ask Stephen to apologize for me? Maybe. I don't know anymore.

My brother in law talked to me today, for the first time about something of substance. I added him back as a friend, but I don't see how he'd want to be friends after he sees what I said to his aunt.

I can't believe I did that...

But I can't take anymore of their abuse. I can't handle them. And if it means making the remaining few who like me hate me, then fine I guess. I'd rather have been friends. I'd rather have been welcomed. I'd rather not have to drop my husband off at their get-togethers. I want to be with him.

Maybe I'm the problem. But if that's the case, I don't know how to fix me so they'll accept me. I don't know what they want from me.

EDIT: So it's been a few hours. Stephen and I met up and had a good time in the sun for a bit before he had to go to work. We've been chatting with his dad. I drop Stephen off and I get a message on my phone. It's from my mother-in-law. A sense of dread just chilled me to the bone and I thought: "Oh I knew this was coming." After all, I did just cuss her sister out.

When I opened the phone though, I read the words: "You okay?" And I was like...whatintheeff? I mean, we're on good terms now. It's not where I want it to be yet, but we have a relationship now. And some days when I'm alone with my wild thoughts, the only thing keeping me from ruining that is the fact that I promised her I'd talk to her if I had a problem. I promised her we'd have a relationship.

So...things weren't perfect, and I was sure I messed things up again. I was sure that was the final cut to the cord that binds me to my husband's family. Yet here she was asking if I was okay. And she just ran with it. I think we even made plans to hang out together soon. It's terrifying, but soooo awesome.

I'm constantly surprised by her. I'm really grateful she wasn't mad. She even backed me! I don't know, it was just what I needed today. And I've deactivated my account. I maybe need that too. It's a place filled with constant hostility. And for what? Opinions? Stupid, uneducated banter? You know I'm probably going back, but I just want to enjoy the honeymoon. Except I did just make a post about how awesome my husband is and I wanted everyone to see and love him like I do for it. Hmm....Facebook is like an abusive relationship. I know better, but I keep coming back.