Boundaries

Today we learned about boundaries. It's pretty important in a shelter situation because, oftentimes, survivors -especially those of sexual assault - have lines you can easily cross. So we as volunteers need boundaries. As well, we'd like the survivors to learn to empower themselves and build their own boundaries. They're so used to trying to please everyone, they have to (especially in the mormon world) be forgiving, nice, perfect women who should be able to do it all. They just don't usually learn to say "no", so saying "no" brings great anxiety.

I definitely see a good deal of that in my own life. It's hard to say "no" as a woman because society at large just isn't used to it. Another example is telling a kid to hug whoever. It's not respectful of that child's boundaries if you force them or pressure them to hug whichever relative. You're conditioning them not to trust their own feelings and choose what's best for them.

Sadly, this was a new concept.

Perhaps more sadly, I realized more and more as we went on that I just don't respect other peoples' boundaries at all. Part of that is the fact that I think people take their privacy WAY too seriously. A bigger part is my own boundaries. I have only a few boundaries, but they're so...intense. I will not accept anyone beyond an acquaintance level if they won't be open and 100% honest with me. It's just a requirement.

I don't know if that's just trust issues, hypervigilance, or what, but it's a requirement. People who won't respect me enough to be honest and open with me are chaff in the wind. The problem with that is that most peoples' boundaries (or their placement of importance on privacy) keeps them from being that way. On the other hand, I act that way because I expect it, so maybe I'm also stepping over others' boundaries of decency. So...I literally just don't respect their boundaries. I look down on people who won't be honest and open and a little on people who don't accept me being honest and open.

I felt like a bad person, but at the same time I felt empowered. I can say "no". I can have my intense boundaries and rules, but I do have to deal with the consequences. And I feel like one of those is just not having many friends. I don't let many people in. However, on the other side of the coin, the friends I do have are very close to me because I can trust them. They're excellent friends.

It was just an interesting concept to learn. I'm trying to figure out how to accept other peoples' boundaries - whether I think they're ridiculous or not.