Eh...

Not so good anymore. I don't know if it's the increase in medication, but my depression has gotten worse. I am about to cry every dang second because of my piling amount of failures. I can't stop thinking of how easy it would be to just end this. Of course I am too afraid of the consequences to do it, but I'm trying to get less scared.

At the same time, I'm trying to get more and more help. I finally reached out to the DBT therapist and set an appointment for Thursday (morning! Ugh!). As part of that therapy, you also need to keep up with a separate therapist. So...this will be interesting.

My back hurts more. My posture is deteriorating. I'm rapidly gaining weight. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not - which I was kind of sad about, really!

Classes are dropping downhill quickly. I've missed almost all of my classes for the past two weeks because I didn't have the motivation/energy/will to go. It was a mistake because now, instead of earning B range grades, I'm probably going to make C- grades. Or maybe fail a class or two. Because I missed those classes.

Oh yeah, turns out I not only had a test and big assignment due yesterday (which I somehow got an A- on), I had a test and huge assignment due today. In sociology. I hate that class so much. The teacher and subject are fine, I just hate talking about social issues with my classmates. It's depressing, irritating, monotonous, etc.

I also missed two, apparently, VITAL homework quizzes for criminal justice. Now I'll be lucky to pass when before I had a B+? B? It really pisses me off. This is how stupid college is: Miss one or two things and your grade is already screwed. I'm trying to reach out to my teachers, but it's hard to think of a viable (non-mental-illness-disclosing) excuse when that's just what it was.

I don't even really need college for what I want to do. I only need an associates. I just want an associates, why on Earth is that SO hard?

*Deep Breath*

Anyway, that bass I bought to try to keep me fixated on anything but Stephen and the deepening sadness happy, turned out to be completely useless. The neck was warped beyond fixing. Just my luck. Also just my luck? A flat tire yesterday while my phone was out of battery and my tank was empty. These are minor things in the grand scheme, but it seemed very planned at the time.

So I bought another bass today, and we'll return the old one for what better be a FULL refund.

Also, I'm about to finish up an application for an internship at THE MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE!!! It's a pretty confidential position, so I can't say much about it (who knows if I'll even get it), but I'm really excited for the chance! That would just be amazing if I could land it. But, most likely, they'll be giving it to someone further along in a bachelor's program.

Stephen's dad and siblings have been staying with us for a few days. Of course my anxiety has kept me up all night. I've literally gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep in the past two days. It sucks because they're not even doing anything wrong. We've hardly been in the house together at all! I'm thinking of getting a prescription for a sleep aid. I could really use one of those. There are nights, especially when I worked, where I'd just stay up all night because I was so worried about whatever was going to happen the next day. Then, oftentimes, I'd miss that thing entirely anyway (not work, luckily, but other things)! So this would be a good idea. Especially if I want that internship. And I really do.

Anyway, that's about it. Good news and bad.