Deepest Thoughts

My sister recently shared a link to me describing the different Hells for all the Meyers-Briggs types. It may or may not be obvious, but I'm an INFP. To the max.

My Hell was described as: "Your deepest thoughts and feelings are exposed to a large audience and everyone thinks that you’re pathetic and unoriginal."

At first, I thought: "I am original, so...this isn't applicable." But then I thought: "I actually am pretty pathetic though."

Part of why I don't like being around people is because society is in disharmony with how I naturally want to behave. This isn't a whine about society. I mean that, for instance, I always want to hug people. I want to have physical contact more often than I'd like to admit. Also, much less talking. When most people talk, they're not saying what's really on their mind anyway. It's at least a modified version of what they really think. There are unwritten "rules" about what to say when and how to react. You have to be polite and, especially as a female, meek. Or, especially as a female, gossip. Which I hate.

That's weird, right? Right. Pathetic, right? I think so. How needy is that? Am I needy? Must be. Or am I even pathetic?

There are no secrets with me. Not that I can't keep someone else's, but I don't have them for myself. I don't like them. My life is an open book. My deepest thoughts are here for you to read. They're afraid of the future, regretful of the past, sad, hurt, suicidal (but getting better), and oftentimes vengeful. Not that I'm proud of any of that.

And those aren't inherently pathetic feelings. Especially having gone through what I have. But again, society deems those as weakness. And weakness is pathetic. I didn't write those rules, mind you.

I submit that, if you go around pretending not to care what anyone thinks (people who say that are the ones who care the most), being a jerk, and being proud of yourself for not crying or getting angry, then you're weak. Weak people are afraid to be vulnerable. Weak people can't apologize when they've done something wrong. Weak people are so scared to be judged that they just don't put anything out there. They try to be a slate.

But a lot of people think that is strength. Again, I didn't write the rules.

So...I'd say, no, I'm not pathetic. However, by the standards of general society, I am very pathetic. And I'm okay with that.