I can hardly get myself to take a shower. I get scared just thinking about maybe getting a job. My apartment is a bit unkempt, there are constantly dishes in the sink, and the only way you'd know I was LDS is if I told you I was. Most people in my ward would probably think I was new.
But it's better than hardly getting out of bed. It's better than not even considering a job. Thinking I'd never be able to ever have a job. My apartment is less cluttered than usual. I get some dishes done sometimes. I'm considering attending church and facing all the inexplicably cheery people there.
So...I guess I'm doing better.
I still consider ending it all. Not as heavily, but I think of how much it would take to overdose on X pill, or getting into a car accident, or purchasing a gun and getting it done. No one would sell a gun to me and, knowing me, I'd mess it up somehow and just make things worse.
It's still so hard. I don't have the will - or the energy - to do anything. I feel like a complete loser. I feel like I'm stuck and just...wasting my life. I'm literally just a parasite. I don't do anything for anyone. I'm just...like a useless zombie.
A lot of people have been telling me I seem better. My therapist confided that he was worried about me before (to the point he felt he might have to call the paramedics), and now he isn't worried at all. That seems like a big change to me! But yeah, I give the credit to therapy and bupropion. As powerful as it seems to be, it clearly doesn't help everything. Some of the worst symptoms remain and side effects abound. The worst is my short term memory and recall. Noticeably, it's getting much worse.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Things are apparently better, but I still feel like total detritus.
No comments:
Post a Comment