These are new.
Lately I've realized that I go through swings. Maybe a couple of days out of the week, I feel...better? Before, I was just monstrously depressed every second of every day. It was even getting worse. Now, sometimes I feel like I could maybe even try looking for a job. I'm still too scared at that point, but I feel like I could do it with more therapy someday. I love the good in the world, I have the potential to live a meaningful life, and I can even get some dishes done!
The rest of the time I realize just how hopeless my case is. I don't want to be alive, I resent being alive, I'm disappointed and scared with the world and future, and I'm hoping for the opportunity to die sooner. It dawns on me that I'll probably never hold a job. I'll never do something meaningful, because I can't be around people. I can't even be a good mother because I have no energy, no stamina, and hardly any patience. I really can't do anything. Not even things I want to do.
I think...maybe the medication is working? I hope. Maybe. I'm worried because my short term memory, recall, and ability to find correct words are all getting worse. Much worse. I really hate it. I'm eating much less food, yet my weight still fluctuates. I still don't have any energy and I get headaches more frequently. I'm nauseated and my stomach gets upset more often.
Stephen says it has helped in the bedroom, so that's awesome. Maybe it's been helping me feel better? Maybe that's just the therapy... I'm not sure. I don't crave food as much. I have some semblance of control when it comes to food. My digestion is getting back to horrible rather than near-useless, so that's good. There are some good things.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this medication, and I have a psychiatrist appointment soon.
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