Torn

Some people will make it very clear that they don't like you. Sometimes they don't even know why they don't like you. All of this is okay, just don't think for a second that they're being truthful when saying that they do like you. Actions most always speak louder than words.

Something I'm still learning, apparently. It's just what to do with those people.. Normally, I'd say to just ditch them and move on with your life - you're both better off - but sometimes there are circumstances where that is next to impossible. So are you nice anyway, knowing most of what they do and say is fake? Or do you block them out as much as possible? And, if they really don't know why they don't like you, is it their fault? Should they be "punished" for that?

I'm not sure what the ethical thing to do is.

Anyway, school is a nightmare right now. I know what I want to do. I'm not nearly as close to an A.A.S. in criminal justice as I thought I was so, at this point, mortuary science is only so many more credits. Also, if I want to be able to apply next year, I have to get into Math0990. Or something else. It's very high-pressure at this point. I just worry I still won't get in after all the hard work. 40-50 people apply to the program every year. They only accept 20! That's less than a 50% of getting in! I'm freaked out. I wish I could know if this was worth it. This is what I want, but will I ever have time for a career?

There is hardly any time to have babies. If Stephen focuses on school, he'll graduate at the end of 2018. I'll be barely 27 years old at that point. If I'm healthy then, that leaves 8 years to have babies. If I choose to raise them full-time, that means I'll be "done" at 47 at the absolute earliest. And then it's time to start dying.

Do I even want kids? I'm not sure.

It's never really been in my plans to have biological children. There is an unspeakable amount of pressure from my church and community to have kids. Some would say it's the very reason I'm a female and not a male. It's my purpose. I really worry because my body already has so many issues. My back kills, I'm exhausted, my mental health is just now getting better, and my IBS-C is already miserable. I don't know what I'd do if it got any worse than it is. I could die trying to have kids. Then my life would've been a complete waste. Babies are tiring and they make me uncomfortable. I can't stand their crying. It's the worst noise in the universe!

But then sometimes I'm excited for babies. Just because it's the next step? It's new? I'm not sure. I just imagine creating a body in my body. That's cool. And then there is a little person I'm in charge of in the world. They can do anything. That's really neat. What good things could they do in their lives? More than one person could, right? So mathematically I'd be doing more for the world as a mother than not, right?

Or what if I can do both? Could I do both? Would I be good at both? I'm really not cool with babysitters. I don't want my kids to be raised by someone who isn't their parrent. Not to mention I'm paranoid about them getting hurt if they're not under my care.

The worst-case scenario is that I don't get in this year, I wait another year, I graduate finally, and I have kids and waste $10,000. That seems like a lot now...will it be later?

Best-case would be that I get in right away, I graduate, I have 1 to 4 kids without complication, and I'm somehow able to work (if it makes me happy) and be a good mom. Would I be able to be that busy? I'm so tired as it is!!!

So, what if I am just a mom? Should I do any schooling? What should I do? Would I feel as worthless as I think I would? I'm not "following my dreams"...I'm not sure what to do.