What sucks the most

Life is hectic right now. Pretty pivotal.

It's a time where, if I don't do the right thing, I might never have a chance to have a career. Not only because of health reasons, but because of motherhood. Possibly.

 I don't know what I want anymore.

 It's a bit different from last year, or even a few months ago, where I knew what I wanted, but couldn't muster an ounce of motivation toward my goals.

Coroner, autopsy, or crime scene technician. Medicolegal death investigator, organ or tissue recovery technician, emergency medical technician...They all have their appeal. Mortuary science would've helped in most cases, but I don't know about the schooling anymore.

I really can't handle the stress of not knowing whether I will get in this year or not. They have 50 people apply every year to get into the 20 person program. Why would I get in? What do I have to offer that the other students don't? Especially as someone who doesn't ultimately want to be a funeral director or embalmer. I also don't know about my grades. It's hard enough for me to get good grades in classes that I like, but I don't know about accounting, business management, public speaking, interpersonal relations, and math 1010.

I know I could do it if I really really wanted to. If it meant maybe not getting in this year, I'd still try. I know it would be ridiculously difficult to get good grades in all the classes I would need to get very good grades in. The question is if I really want to do it, and I don't really know if I do.

That's $10,000, many time-consuming, and costly trips to Salt Lake, and incredible stress on a burned-out, mentally ill student. For what? By the time I finish, it may be time to start having a family. And I don't even know if I want to do that. For the sake of my own health and just the desire that I lack, I don't know if that's the best decision for us.

Ideally, I'd love to work in a hospital as an autopsy technician. That way I can open bodies and see what's inside and help figure out causes of death - all without maggots or smells. At least not too many smells.

 But then I'm not involved in forensic science. Which is why I love this field in the first place. Maybe there will be domestic violence cases in hospitals but, other than that, just people dying of accidental and natural causes.

 But then there's always EMT. There has always been EMT in the background. It's always been something I wanted to do since 9/11. When I watched video coverage of Katrina, I just wanted to go help. I wanted to help with triage, I wanted to find bodies, I wanted to help living people as well. It was the same with tsunami that hit so many countries in... 2004? 2011? Not only that, but I've always been scared of an emergency happening around me and not being able to do anything. I've had three experiences of such instances.

 At a family reunion years ago, an elderly relative fell backward near a pool, and had a heart attack. I stood close and watched. I wasn't afraid, I just didn't know what to do. My aunt is a nurse, and another relative was a detective - I believe he knows just above basic life support. There may have been another person helping. All I know is I just wish I was more helpful.

 Then, early this year, a girl passed out while I was helping the teacher after class. I wasn't afraid, my first reaction was to help. It wasn't until later that I realized that I was pretty calm and clear headed. Of course, my teacher and another student (who was once an EMT), went to help, so I wasn't needed.

Then, a little bit later, there was an incident with Stephen at the dentist office. He has always been squeamish about health care procedures. I should have been watching him more closely, but the technician kept asking him if he was alright and he kept replying positively. That's when he started making a weird noise. I knew it wasn't a good noise, so I got up to look and see what the problem was. When I got inside the room, he was laying back, and his arms were kind of dangling. He looked extremely pale with an indescribable green hue. His eyes were rolling back. The technician said: "he's just had a seizure."

Maybe it's because I didn't see it, or that the technician was worried, or maybe it was just because I was worried about Stephen, but I may have freaked out a little bit. I don't remember much, just shouting for someone to come help. They sent for an ambulance, and he was seen by a parade of EMTs and paramedics, and even a cop and some firefighters. That was a hard day. One of the worst days of my life. It was another scenario where I wish I could have been more helpful. I've always wanted to be helpful to people around me. I've always wanted them to feel safe around me. All I'm worried about here, if I were to take this path in life, is my intense fear of just talking to people.

 I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is. I know there's nothing to worry about. And I'm not afraid of what people think of me. I just don't want them to know how uncomfortable I am. I don't want them to sense that. I can hardly stand the sound of my voice when I speak. I feel like every single thing I say is wrong. I actually love people. I know we're all flawed and I know that we're all worth something, but there's just something wrong with me. Its not other people. I think that's what most people don't understand about my mental health. I wish I could control it. I would give anything to control it. It just happens when I'm around other people or when they engage me that I just feel... Absolutely beyond terrified.

Anyway, now I've heard of a new job called tissue recovery technician. They take freshly dead bodies of donors, and harvest ligaments, vasculature, bones, skin, and other things for the purposes of transplantation. They help people, they don't have to interact with that many people, and they get to see the inside of bodies all the time. They know how to suture them up after they're done doing what they do. They take the skin grafts and bones and ligaments and whatever else back to the hospital. Its cool. No maggots.

EMTs can do tissue recovery, but they usually want surgical techs. I don't know. Maybe I'll do both. I feel better now. More calm, since I began writing.

The uncertainty of life, I think, is what sucks the most.