I was just thinking about my schooling in the future. Again :)
My husband is getting ready to go to fall semester at UVU and I got really sad last night thinking of how I won't be. Not that I want to go to UVU, but I do want to be in school.
For those of you who don't know, my schooling life has been tumultuous, to say the least. I was always behind in elementary school, I failed a lot of math in middle school and had to take not only summer school, but a class where, instead of taking an elective, I would take yet another general ed to catch up. Then, in high school, I took summer school twice and was unable to take some opportunities because of my low grades (working at the space center and interning at the paleontology museum).
My first semester in college actually went quite well. Most of my grades were As. The next semester was the same way. When I look back on it, I realize that that was because I took music and criminal justice classes, and I took them at night.
Anyway, I transferred to WSU, where I did horrifically. I got good grades in my criminal justice class and my English class, but I failed the other two classes. This was because I totally dropped the ball though, I didn't study or do anything. So, the next semester, I ran out of money. I don't know how, but I had no money. I had to drop out.
Anyway, I took a break from school for a year and worked at SSI with my then boyfriend (now husband) and I had a great time. I was pressured into going to school for the Spring 2013 semester. Even though I didn't want to go, I agreed that it was probably the right choice. It ended up being the wrong choice. Dead wrong. It was the worst I had ever done in school. Even the classes I liked (Intro to Social Work and Intro to Music), I did horribly in. I don't know how, because I did really well on all the tests and there was virtually no homework in either of them. My teachers liked me!
Sorry about the long story. My point is that maybe traditional school just isn't for me. You know, I have never done well in school except for classes like geology and orchestra and I think that's because they're hands-on. You can see what you need to know or learn. I 've always done well in English too, but I think that's because I had really awesome English teachers - every single one of them.
Anyway, I'm thinking that maybe I should just forget traditional school and try vocational school. Of course that means I can't do what I wanted to do since Utah does not have a variety of vocational programs (it's all medical, legal, or business). Obviously, I'd most prefer to be a crime scene investigator, but there was a time where I wanted to be a forensic nurse, and that can be possible with vocational school. Same with paralegal.
That's what I've been thinking of.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Doctors
I don't know how I feel about people in the medical field anymore.
A nurse once told me that I "am heterozygote for blood clotting factor 5." I tried to clarify in a way that wouldn't make her feel as stupid as she just sounded by asking: "So, I have a dominant gene?" And she replied by repeating herself.
Now, I'm not going to assume she is stupid. I figure nurses have to learn a lot of terms and things and zygote happens to be a biological term, it's just the wrong one. Heterozygous is the one she was looking for. So, points for being close!
Anyway, I want to assume the same thing for what happened today. I was told at my last appointment that 1) the phlebotomist was not in and would not be in for 1 1/2 weeks. 2) I would be able to pee in a cup and get some blood drawn without at appointment.
The phlebotomist was in as soon as I called today (which is a week). And I had to set up an appointment to pee in a cup. Also, I actually didn't have to pee in a cup, but I had to collect all my urine for 24 hours in some special, complicated process and container.
Again, I'm not going to blame a super busy doctor for trivial things like this. He's not a PKD specialist, why should he know these things like the back of his hand?
The issue I have stems from the many visits I had made prior with multiple doctors who brushed me off and told me to take more fiber and drink more water. This is just the icing. You'd think after the 5th visit that someone would take me seriously. It was always: "Drink more water, take more fiber". It wasn't until this doctor noticed the continuous weight loss and abdominal pain that he even looked into it.
This doctor, who had the mix up with the schedule and peeing thing. I can't thank him enough for what he has done for me, but he makes mistakes. Everyone does. It just scares me when it happens with medical people. I guess that's my point: everyone makes mistakes, I'm just being crabby about doctors.
A nurse once told me that I "am heterozygote for blood clotting factor 5." I tried to clarify in a way that wouldn't make her feel as stupid as she just sounded by asking: "So, I have a dominant gene?" And she replied by repeating herself.
Now, I'm not going to assume she is stupid. I figure nurses have to learn a lot of terms and things and zygote happens to be a biological term, it's just the wrong one. Heterozygous is the one she was looking for. So, points for being close!
Anyway, I want to assume the same thing for what happened today. I was told at my last appointment that 1) the phlebotomist was not in and would not be in for 1 1/2 weeks. 2) I would be able to pee in a cup and get some blood drawn without at appointment.
The phlebotomist was in as soon as I called today (which is a week). And I had to set up an appointment to pee in a cup. Also, I actually didn't have to pee in a cup, but I had to collect all my urine for 24 hours in some special, complicated process and container.
Again, I'm not going to blame a super busy doctor for trivial things like this. He's not a PKD specialist, why should he know these things like the back of his hand?
The issue I have stems from the many visits I had made prior with multiple doctors who brushed me off and told me to take more fiber and drink more water. This is just the icing. You'd think after the 5th visit that someone would take me seriously. It was always: "Drink more water, take more fiber". It wasn't until this doctor noticed the continuous weight loss and abdominal pain that he even looked into it.
This doctor, who had the mix up with the schedule and peeing thing. I can't thank him enough for what he has done for me, but he makes mistakes. Everyone does. It just scares me when it happens with medical people. I guess that's my point: everyone makes mistakes, I'm just being crabby about doctors.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Depression and PKD
So, I have informed every social media medium I have of this except for this blog, but I have PKD. I just found out a few days ago. I haven't seen the nephrologist yet, but it seems serious. From what I've read, when a cyst reaches 4cm, things start shutting down. My biggest ones are 3cm. I also happen to have a ton of them, they're septated, and from what I've read, I'm also at a strange age to get these. That's the internet for you!
Anyway, I'm still unsure how to handle this news or what to do about it. But when it comes to my depression, it seems to be worsening. A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago?), I was deeply suicidal (again). So I decided to take some new antidepressants. They seemed to work. There are some scary side effects that seem to be going away, but they work much better than my previous antidepressants.
Anyway, things were getting better. However, after learning about the implications of the disease, I started feeling a bit helpless and worried. I worry about how to pay for it, what it will do, and how I can/will die. So far, and it's only been a few days, it has caused some issues with family. They're scared, so obviously this will happen and that's obviously stressful for me. For the most part, everyone has been really lovely and supportive toward me and I just want to point out that I truly appreciate their prayers, love, concern, and help.
But I am starting to feel that way again. I sometimes think that maybe it would be good to just let myself die out. I'm not sure how long it would take because I have seen nothing about someone at my age with my level of severity. Usually babies or toddlers get it and die of it or get transplants (really severe). Middle-aged to older people get it and eventually need transplants or die of it. I'm 21 and, from what I've read, they're moderate to severe (depending on where you go). So...I don't know how long I have until I die or need transplants.
I occasionally wonder or secretly hope that it's God's plan. I know that's horrible and wrong and probably over-dramatic, but that's how it is. I don't want anyone to worry about it. I think it may just be mental illness talking and not me. I'm really unsure. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now.
And of course when I think of my mortality, things that shouldn't be trivial become that way and things that are trivial get magnified. I don't know. I'm just confused at this point.
Anyway, I'm still unsure how to handle this news or what to do about it. But when it comes to my depression, it seems to be worsening. A few weeks ago (maybe a month ago?), I was deeply suicidal (again). So I decided to take some new antidepressants. They seemed to work. There are some scary side effects that seem to be going away, but they work much better than my previous antidepressants.
Anyway, things were getting better. However, after learning about the implications of the disease, I started feeling a bit helpless and worried. I worry about how to pay for it, what it will do, and how I can/will die. So far, and it's only been a few days, it has caused some issues with family. They're scared, so obviously this will happen and that's obviously stressful for me. For the most part, everyone has been really lovely and supportive toward me and I just want to point out that I truly appreciate their prayers, love, concern, and help.
But I am starting to feel that way again. I sometimes think that maybe it would be good to just let myself die out. I'm not sure how long it would take because I have seen nothing about someone at my age with my level of severity. Usually babies or toddlers get it and die of it or get transplants (really severe). Middle-aged to older people get it and eventually need transplants or die of it. I'm 21 and, from what I've read, they're moderate to severe (depending on where you go). So...I don't know how long I have until I die or need transplants.
I occasionally wonder or secretly hope that it's God's plan. I know that's horrible and wrong and probably over-dramatic, but that's how it is. I don't want anyone to worry about it. I think it may just be mental illness talking and not me. I'm really unsure. I'm unsure of a lot of things right now.
And of course when I think of my mortality, things that shouldn't be trivial become that way and things that are trivial get magnified. I don't know. I'm just confused at this point.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
LDS vs. Christian
Just been thinking about this a lot and I've decided to try and analyze my feelings. Please don't take any offense or take my words as facts, I'm simply relaying my feelings.
First of all, members of the LDS church (or mormons, if you'd rather) are Christians in that they believe in and are instructed to follow Jesus Christ and his teachings. Sometimes we're really not good at exemplifying Him, but we "do our best".
Anyway, I've been mulling over all of this because I'm trying to decide where I stand when it comes to "the church". Don't get me wrong, there is no gospel I could possibly believe in more. There was one thing I had a problem with when it came to the actual gospel. Other than that, every single teaching made sense to me, was beautiful, was inspirational, and was visible in every day life.
My issue comes with "the church" itself, the thing that is supposed to be a vessel for Christ's teachings. The shorter list would be to tell you about the things I'm sure about when it comes to the church and that is the sacrament and patriarchal blessings. Almost everything else (and I say almost in case I'm forgetting something) I have a problem with in some way or another.
And of course it's just me, right? Most LDS people would start getting defensive at this point and say that it's just a reflection of my own insecurity, shame, malice, experiences, etc. That's what they're trained to do when anyone questions the church. And, in this case, they'd be right. Well, shame has never been an issue for me (as some of you are painfully aware). :)
I had questions before about the church, but I have had some experiences recently that have really shaken my belief. Firstly, why the sudden changes in policy? If God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, why are there inspired policies that change? I'm speaking specifically about blacks having the priesthood, exclusively temple marriages (it used to be policy that you got married first, then sealed), sealing ceremony changes, and new lack of tithing reports in conference.
I'm sure there are more, but anyway, I'm not sure what the scriptures have to say about all of these, but tithing reports are specifically mandated in the Book of Mormon (the cornerstone of our religion). As far as the temple marriages and priesthood issues, it's safe to say they changed with the times. Temple sealings became temple marriages due to fears of sexuality in American media. To counteract this fear, they made it a goal for everyone to get temple marriages and avoid the "shame" of non-temple marriages.
Anyway, that's always been an issue for me. Recently, I had an experience of extreme injustice in the church. Someone who had severely wronged me (I mean really severe) was able to simply confess some of her sins and get a temple marriage. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know. She was not sorry. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know.
I'm bitter about this. I will always be bitter about this. Because of this and my bitterness resulting from it, I am extremely unsure about the church. When people in the church told about others who left the church because someone offended them, I thought the people who left were weak in faith in the first place. If all it takes is someone offending you to leave the church, you probably shouldn't have been in the church in the first place because you didn't really believe in it. But now that I'm one of them, I can tell you that the church-goers simplify the hell out of it.
It's not simply being offended by someone, it's being betrayed by the church you're supposed to feel safe at. The church where the truth is always found and rules are never broken. Maybe I had too much faith in the church, but it really hurt (and still hurts) that this was allowed to happen.
Lastly, another experience with church-goers. In fact, this one was a missionary. This missionary is a relative of mine. For a holiday, he was able to talk with his family with skype. My husband and I had originally planned not to go to this, but he was asking for us. Gladly, we came over, only to be chastised. Literally the first question asked was: "Do you pay your tithing?" Obviously not. He knew that! I had told him everything from day one of his mission. I told him in confidence. It was as though he had no idea what had been going on. We were able to change the subject a few times, but it always came back to worthiness in the church. Anyway, after many more of these types of questions (and a clarification that I understood we were at the bottom of the sanctity poll), I had had enough and I left. I was very angry that I had been used as some kind of chum for a piety trip.
The worst part was that his mom, who doesn't even know me, said that we left because we were ashamed of our sins and couldn't take his light, I guess. I don't know how shame would even apply here, but again, they're trained to do that. After emailing him about it, he admitted that what he had done was wrong. He is learning and I was pleased that he actually reviewed what had happened, so he was very easy to forgive. He is a good guy, just somewhat brash...I suppose?
Jesus said: "He who is without sin, cast the first stone". And I happen to know for a fact that both the missionary and his mom don't fit into that category. No one does! I never felt bad about those sins (see previous post). Why are they trying to shame me? It's futile and childish.
Anyway, my point was supposed to be that some mormons (and other religious folk) who identify themselves as Christians are far from. No one is perfect, I understand that. Everyone is just on a journey to try to become perfect. We're all trying. It just turned into a "why I'm questioning the church" post. Sorry about that!
If you haven't read the Book of Mormon and are interested, check it out. You have nothing to lose, and you will love the teachings in there. As for joining the church, the best advice I can give you is to be patient. Everyone is different, but most of the people there are true saints. The most lovely people I've ever met are members of the church. Likewise, the worst people I've ever met are members of the church.
First of all, members of the LDS church (or mormons, if you'd rather) are Christians in that they believe in and are instructed to follow Jesus Christ and his teachings. Sometimes we're really not good at exemplifying Him, but we "do our best".
Anyway, I've been mulling over all of this because I'm trying to decide where I stand when it comes to "the church". Don't get me wrong, there is no gospel I could possibly believe in more. There was one thing I had a problem with when it came to the actual gospel. Other than that, every single teaching made sense to me, was beautiful, was inspirational, and was visible in every day life.
My issue comes with "the church" itself, the thing that is supposed to be a vessel for Christ's teachings. The shorter list would be to tell you about the things I'm sure about when it comes to the church and that is the sacrament and patriarchal blessings. Almost everything else (and I say almost in case I'm forgetting something) I have a problem with in some way or another.
And of course it's just me, right? Most LDS people would start getting defensive at this point and say that it's just a reflection of my own insecurity, shame, malice, experiences, etc. That's what they're trained to do when anyone questions the church. And, in this case, they'd be right. Well, shame has never been an issue for me (as some of you are painfully aware). :)
I had questions before about the church, but I have had some experiences recently that have really shaken my belief. Firstly, why the sudden changes in policy? If God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow, why are there inspired policies that change? I'm speaking specifically about blacks having the priesthood, exclusively temple marriages (it used to be policy that you got married first, then sealed), sealing ceremony changes, and new lack of tithing reports in conference.
I'm sure there are more, but anyway, I'm not sure what the scriptures have to say about all of these, but tithing reports are specifically mandated in the Book of Mormon (the cornerstone of our religion). As far as the temple marriages and priesthood issues, it's safe to say they changed with the times. Temple sealings became temple marriages due to fears of sexuality in American media. To counteract this fear, they made it a goal for everyone to get temple marriages and avoid the "shame" of non-temple marriages.
Anyway, that's always been an issue for me. Recently, I had an experience of extreme injustice in the church. Someone who had severely wronged me (I mean really severe) was able to simply confess some of her sins and get a temple marriage. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know. She was not sorry. How do I know? Long story, but trust me, I know.
I'm bitter about this. I will always be bitter about this. Because of this and my bitterness resulting from it, I am extremely unsure about the church. When people in the church told about others who left the church because someone offended them, I thought the people who left were weak in faith in the first place. If all it takes is someone offending you to leave the church, you probably shouldn't have been in the church in the first place because you didn't really believe in it. But now that I'm one of them, I can tell you that the church-goers simplify the hell out of it.
It's not simply being offended by someone, it's being betrayed by the church you're supposed to feel safe at. The church where the truth is always found and rules are never broken. Maybe I had too much faith in the church, but it really hurt (and still hurts) that this was allowed to happen.
Lastly, another experience with church-goers. In fact, this one was a missionary. This missionary is a relative of mine. For a holiday, he was able to talk with his family with skype. My husband and I had originally planned not to go to this, but he was asking for us. Gladly, we came over, only to be chastised. Literally the first question asked was: "Do you pay your tithing?" Obviously not. He knew that! I had told him everything from day one of his mission. I told him in confidence. It was as though he had no idea what had been going on. We were able to change the subject a few times, but it always came back to worthiness in the church. Anyway, after many more of these types of questions (and a clarification that I understood we were at the bottom of the sanctity poll), I had had enough and I left. I was very angry that I had been used as some kind of chum for a piety trip.
The worst part was that his mom, who doesn't even know me, said that we left because we were ashamed of our sins and couldn't take his light, I guess. I don't know how shame would even apply here, but again, they're trained to do that. After emailing him about it, he admitted that what he had done was wrong. He is learning and I was pleased that he actually reviewed what had happened, so he was very easy to forgive. He is a good guy, just somewhat brash...I suppose?
Jesus said: "He who is without sin, cast the first stone". And I happen to know for a fact that both the missionary and his mom don't fit into that category. No one does! I never felt bad about those sins (see previous post). Why are they trying to shame me? It's futile and childish.
Anyway, my point was supposed to be that some mormons (and other religious folk) who identify themselves as Christians are far from. No one is perfect, I understand that. Everyone is just on a journey to try to become perfect. We're all trying. It just turned into a "why I'm questioning the church" post. Sorry about that!
If you haven't read the Book of Mormon and are interested, check it out. You have nothing to lose, and you will love the teachings in there. As for joining the church, the best advice I can give you is to be patient. Everyone is different, but most of the people there are true saints. The most lovely people I've ever met are members of the church. Likewise, the worst people I've ever met are members of the church.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Realization Rambling
So I was thinking today of something that really bothered me for awhile. It will sound bad, but stay with me. I was wondering why I never felt bad about my most recent sins.
I'm not saying I wasn't punished. Consequences of the sins practically destroyed me. I'm saying that, though I felt horrible for letting people down and setting a poor example, I didn't actually feel bad about what I did. I didn't feel like God hated me or anything like that. Save for an instance or two, my friends and family reminded me that they loved me rather than the stereotypical shunning and chastisement that seems to happen sometimes.
I never felt like God hated me for what I did. I never felt like he was sad about what happened. And I was wondering aloud to my husband and he gave a pretty good answer.
In a recent talk by one of the apostles, he illustrated a scenario about a baby learning to walk. When that baby walks, you are so proud of it and happy for it. When it falls, which happens, your first instinct is to help it back up again. You're not angry, hurt, or sad, you just want it to get back up.
Well, I think that's what went on here. I've stumbled a few times in my life, but more recently, they've been pretty bad. I have never stopped feeling God's love for me. There were times when I felt like he was testing me or making me hurt, but that was me. I was consciously holding onto something and I only asked for justice/(vengeance?) in the situation.
A few days ago, I finally just asked for comfort. And it came instantly. I felt a numbness and I remember "hearing" something like: It's in God's hands. He'll take care of you.
Since then, I've felt much happier. I have control over my thoughts, I am letting go, my body is healing, and I feel like I have been spiritually renewed. All you have to do is ask. Seriously.
I'm not saying I wasn't punished. Consequences of the sins practically destroyed me. I'm saying that, though I felt horrible for letting people down and setting a poor example, I didn't actually feel bad about what I did. I didn't feel like God hated me or anything like that. Save for an instance or two, my friends and family reminded me that they loved me rather than the stereotypical shunning and chastisement that seems to happen sometimes.
I never felt like God hated me for what I did. I never felt like he was sad about what happened. And I was wondering aloud to my husband and he gave a pretty good answer.
In a recent talk by one of the apostles, he illustrated a scenario about a baby learning to walk. When that baby walks, you are so proud of it and happy for it. When it falls, which happens, your first instinct is to help it back up again. You're not angry, hurt, or sad, you just want it to get back up.
Well, I think that's what went on here. I've stumbled a few times in my life, but more recently, they've been pretty bad. I have never stopped feeling God's love for me. There were times when I felt like he was testing me or making me hurt, but that was me. I was consciously holding onto something and I only asked for justice/(vengeance?) in the situation.
A few days ago, I finally just asked for comfort. And it came instantly. I felt a numbness and I remember "hearing" something like: It's in God's hands. He'll take care of you.
Since then, I've felt much happier. I have control over my thoughts, I am letting go, my body is healing, and I feel like I have been spiritually renewed. All you have to do is ask. Seriously.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
5 Weaknesses
I've been watching GloriaShuriNava's channel (she's great), and watched a video where she lists her 5 weaknesses. So now I want to do it too. Obviously.
#1: Communication. I have a hard time with it. I think it comes from not knowing how I'm coming off, because, as convinced as some are to the contrary, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I want them to trust me completely, to feel happy, to feel loved, and to feel safe. As weird as that sounds. So I try to be as frank as possible at all times. This backfires sometimes (a lot of times) because apparently people don't want to know every single thing about my life, body, or opinions.
#2: Insecurity. This ties well with #1. Because I don't communicate perfectly, my mental illness, and my flaws, I get really insecure. Normally, I am anxious anyway but, around people, it gets worse. It feels like they're trying to play tricks on me. That sounds schizo, but it's true. I feel like I have to be on constant alert. Obviously it's not as bad around people I love and know I can trust, but yeah.
#3: Slow. I'm very slow. Not physically, but mentally. At least when it comes to math and some aspects of science, you may as well be speaking gibberish. I get science, I excelled in English, I excelled in health, and I excelled in music. But I've always, always, been slow at math. Even in the lowest math class in grade school, I was the slowest student. They'd take me out to test me and see if I should be put in what I can only guess is a special needs class. Really.
#4: Fragile heart. As much as it does or doesn't show, my heart is fragile. I get sad when I see people treating others badly, when justice isn't served, and when people are truly suffering. I cry when I watch people putting down their cats on Youtube! I get really attached to my own animals.
#5: Wrath/Impatience. Some of the things that make me sad, also make me angry. Extremely angry. I can't stand when people judge other people for things they can't possibly understand. I hate it when something that shouldn't be accepted (like abuse or bullying) is acceptable.
Anyway, those are just 5 of my many flaws.
#1: Communication. I have a hard time with it. I think it comes from not knowing how I'm coming off, because, as convinced as some are to the contrary, I want people to feel comfortable around me. I want them to trust me completely, to feel happy, to feel loved, and to feel safe. As weird as that sounds. So I try to be as frank as possible at all times. This backfires sometimes (a lot of times) because apparently people don't want to know every single thing about my life, body, or opinions.
#2: Insecurity. This ties well with #1. Because I don't communicate perfectly, my mental illness, and my flaws, I get really insecure. Normally, I am anxious anyway but, around people, it gets worse. It feels like they're trying to play tricks on me. That sounds schizo, but it's true. I feel like I have to be on constant alert. Obviously it's not as bad around people I love and know I can trust, but yeah.
#3: Slow. I'm very slow. Not physically, but mentally. At least when it comes to math and some aspects of science, you may as well be speaking gibberish. I get science, I excelled in English, I excelled in health, and I excelled in music. But I've always, always, been slow at math. Even in the lowest math class in grade school, I was the slowest student. They'd take me out to test me and see if I should be put in what I can only guess is a special needs class. Really.
#4: Fragile heart. As much as it does or doesn't show, my heart is fragile. I get sad when I see people treating others badly, when justice isn't served, and when people are truly suffering. I cry when I watch people putting down their cats on Youtube! I get really attached to my own animals.
#5: Wrath/Impatience. Some of the things that make me sad, also make me angry. Extremely angry. I can't stand when people judge other people for things they can't possibly understand. I hate it when something that shouldn't be accepted (like abuse or bullying) is acceptable.
Anyway, those are just 5 of my many flaws.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Things are good.
I am now on bupropion.
Today was my first day, and I cut a 350mg pill in half, so it shouldn't be especially dramatic, but I know from experience that it's best to ease into these things.
Anyway, so far so good.
Also good? I can go to the bathroom! I've gone so much today! I'm pretty sure it's only due to the antibiotics I'm taking (UTIs ugh). Still! It's good :)
Today was my first day, and I cut a 350mg pill in half, so it shouldn't be especially dramatic, but I know from experience that it's best to ease into these things.
Anyway, so far so good.
Also good? I can go to the bathroom! I've gone so much today! I'm pretty sure it's only due to the antibiotics I'm taking (UTIs ugh). Still! It's good :)
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