People

I'm one of those people who says "I hate people" all the time. They make me angry. They do stupid things. They do thoughtless things. They're careless and prideful.

And many of us are those things at least sometimes, but you want to know how I really feel?

I love them.

I love people. That's why it hurts so much when we do horrible things to each other. I'm much more hurt and sad than I am angry. Every time. I am so grateful that we're all different and that we think differently, but sometimes we're just plain wrong. I don't believe in "everyone is entitled to his or her opinion." No, we're wrong sometimes and we need to take responsibility for that before those wrong thoughts lead to dangerous actions.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I also don't believe in karma. I don't think we'll get punished for what we do wrong all the time and especially not always to the same degree. We will get away with doing horrific things to others. That's why it's even more important that we right our own wrongs.

But, while we do the wrong things sometimes, we are so wonderful. There are people who do such amazing, kind, thoughtful things every day. They live to serve others. And sometimes it's pushing someone out of the way of a car only to get hit yourself, other times it is simply asking someone how they're feeling and looking after their emotional well-being.

We do awesome things. We do awful things. The point is to try our very best to do the right thing every day. To do a good thing. To do a nice thing. It's all about our fruits, ladies and gentleman. Let's try to make them all good, ripe, and tasty.

Planning to Die

It's oddly exciting and very weird. The questions that come to mind...are not things I would have asked myself before. I try to read as many peoples' experiences as possible. I try to figure out what it has been like for others so I can better make decisions for me.

But it never helps. I've made a controversial decision to not do dialysis or transplant. For now, anyway. I just can't see myself doing dialysis for longer than a month or so. It would only be done in the case that I need more time to say goodbye and all that. It would be hard for me to get a transplant with my blood and veins anyway, and then just all the side-effects, the pills you have to take, the complications, the likelihood that the transplant will fail, a transplant's short life-span...it just doesn't seem worth it to me.

Given that, I could die from kidney failure in my 40's. If aortic or brain aneurysms or heart disease don't kill me first. That could possibly happen 10 years from now.

So...if I don't "fight" as so many people put it, am I committing a sin? Am I being a coward? Not that I think suicide is a sin or an act of cowardice, but is this suicide? Is it the same thing? Sometimes when I am feeling extremely depressed I think of taking aspirin - which causes irreparable kidney damage for PKD kidneys. I only know this because I was looking into alternatives to taking self-administered shots to avoid throwing a clot and dying or losing a baby. If I did take aspirin, would that be like suicide?

I don't want to and I don't know if I even could give myself shots every day. My veins are tiny, they need butterfly needles to draw blood. How can I give myself shots? I hate needles! Should I even have kids? My genes are crap. They sterilize cats that have PKD. Should I just ignorantly produce more defective people? Will the world become a place where there could be discrimination against them someday because of their illness? What about their health insurance? I could do invitro and pgd, to make sure I don't pass on my defective genes, but I consider that procedure abortion. And that is just not an option.

Some women say, had they known they had PKD, they wouldn't have had kids. Some women say otherwise, but still. I can't help but wonder. And then, to bring it full-circle, if I don't get a transplant, I may only live to see them reach 20 or so. I won't be there for them. How could I do that to them? I think it worse to give them hope with some stupid transplant or dialysis, but would they then resent me for not "fighting"? Would they think it was their fault? Should I "fight" and suffer the consequences for them?

I don't know. I will pray as I go, but in the end, my life is already planned out for me. I just have to ask for guidance to make the right decisions when the time comes for them.

How are you?

How am I what? This question is so odd for me, and probably for you too. Everyone expects you to say "good" and maybe start a conversation, but I feel like a liar when I say "good".

There are times in my life where I am actually feeling good, but usually, especially around people, it's not good. Not always bad, but not usually good. It's more like...bemused, aloof, "somewhere else". But you can't really say that without getting more questions, and it's hard to explain what that means.

My brain is always somewhere else, so it's easier to just say "good". I think that's the case for most people.

Growing up is weird.

There is so much weirdness to growing up that I could go on for hours, but I'd rather focus on one aspect that's been on my mind and that is making and losing friends. 

I grew up with one best friend. We were extremely close in elementary school from the age of 5. She was way smarter than me, so as we got older, we had fewer classes together, but we still hung out whenever possible. Middle school came by and we drifted apart even more due to scholastic differences and also clique differences (I was in this punk group, it was awesome!). Then high school came. We had virtually no classes together except orchestra (where she would sometimes play the trumpet). I hung out with her and her friends during lunch. I guess they were my friends, too, but I was the bad influence. I was different. 

And the main thing that made me different was school. They were all just amazing students who got amazing grades and had amazing prospects for future scholastic success. While I was just barely passing, probably going nowhere, suffering with mental health issues. 

I thought things would change after high school, but they didn't. In fact, we're all now further apart because of religious and political differences. It's strange how these subtle things can get to me. And I almost know it's not just me who feels this way. I can't relate to them anymore. We feel differently and sometimes strongly about our beliefs. We offend each other with our differing views. 

It's weird how those things get in the way, especially since I've always considered myself a tolerant person (not tolerant of B.S., but of differences). Anyway, I haven't seen that best friend in 2 years and we don't talk much. I've made some really great new friends, but it's just weird losing the old ones over these kinds of differences. They're big differences, but still. 

Great week!

My terrible week...and a half? It's gone. This week is going to be much better. It's already much better.

My sleep schedule is a hot mess right now, which is usually a bad thing, but last night (this morning?) I got to reading my favorite book in the scriptures: Moroni. Nephi gets all the press, but I actually think he's a little full of himself and somewhat obnoxious (shhh, don't tell!). Moroni and Mormon had the right idea. They're geniuses, basically.

Either way, chapter 7 & 10 speak to my soul. Frankly, they're what have kept me in the church when other people insist on trying to mess everything up. To say I have a testimony of those chapters is a light way of putting it.

Anyway, it had been raining that day, which was awesome! Work went by pretty quickly, I got to be on the make-line, and I was in a good mood the whole time. I'm in a good mood now. I'll probably be in a good mood tomorrow. I'm still not ecstatic about my weight gain, but I should learn to let that noise go. My body is not mine.

Yes, I realized that my body is not mine. I have no control over it. Maybe I can manage it through exercise or something, but it's gonna lose weight when it wants, it's gonna gain weight when it wants, my kidneys will grow as big as they want, and I'm gonna look pregnant and be uncomfortable if it's what my body wants. I can't afford to care about my shape, and I should enjoy what I have while I have it, because it's just gonna get worse.

Another thing I realized? Life is not one-size-fits-all. You know how I was comparing myself to everyone else the other day? Why would I (or anyone else) do that? I'm not everyone else! So I'm not good at the whole "school" thing, but I'd rather have awesome life experiences (advocation in India, mass disaster response, saving a life, etc.) than a bachelor's degree and a boring desk job. My goal is not money, fame, or wealth, it's purpose, joy, and service.

In conclusion, talking to yourself is helpful sometimes. Praying and making time for things that count is also helpful. Don't be too busy living life that you forget to love it. Do what makes you happy! The end.

Benzos? VENT!

I don't know. I guess I am doing poorly. I'm actually thinking of taking benzos again. I still have cognitive issues (memory loss, mild retrograde amnesia) from that from last time! But I'm just feeling like absolute barf as of late. Not sure why, everything is going pretty well, generally.

I have a nice apartment. I have a job. I'm in school. I have the best husband in the world. Not sure what I have to complain about. But I was thinking about it lately, as I'm trying to get into my Mortuary Science program. I'm freakishly worried I won't make it in time for the 2015 class and I just don't want to be in school for the rest of my life - trying to do something everyone else seems to do so easily.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. It's always kinda been like this. I'm always behind the curve. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I could just go into the 2016 program, but then I'd want to do something in between. And I would really like to do EMT stuff. *I just want to make a difference. Saving a life? Just one life? That would make my life worth living.* Problem is, and it's something that's kept me from doing a lot of things, is my freaking anxiety.

I like to be in denial about how serious it is - "I'm just an inside person.", "I just don't get people, they're not like me.", "I'm tired." - but honestly, it's debilitating and somehow embarrassing. It's easy for me to be inside, but I can't even function normally. It's hard to hold a job. I get headaches after 3 hours of church! Conversations are a nightmare for me and it's really hard to speak when your throat is closing up, your heart is racing, and your mind is getting foggy. Why does that happen?

Anyway, I'm just tired of this holding me back from everything. I've taken clonazepam for it before, and it really worked, but there were just so many side-effects that I had to stop. But now I'm just thinking it's worth it. Maybe counselling could work, but maybe not. Maybe I'm just screwed no matter what. Either way, I just want to not be held back anymore.

Speaking of back, my kidneys have really been acting up this week. It's frightening. I don't know if I'll be able to work at all. So...what's the point? What is the point trying to have a decent, productive, normal life? If I take clonazepam in order to work, would my sacrifice be in vain because of my back? Would I then have to take narcotics too? This just seems unfair. Maybe that's why I'm mad.

EFF weight.

You know what? I've gained 20 pounds in 4 months!!!! I say 4 because I'm not sure when I was last weighed (pretty sure it was late December), but I went from 210lbs (pre health issues) to 154lbs (height of PKD discovery) to 175!?!?! UUUGGGHGGGGGHHH!

I mean DANG, Gina! I'm getting a rec membership. I mean...I know it's futile. Some day, people will ask me if I'm pregnant all the time from the giant nasties crowding my abdominal cavity. But I want to have my vanity days! I have control now!

Well...maybe I should be worried. Perhaps it's just kidney growth? Eh. Dunno.