Benzos? VENT!

I don't know. I guess I am doing poorly. I'm actually thinking of taking benzos again. I still have cognitive issues (memory loss, mild retrograde amnesia) from that from last time! But I'm just feeling like absolute barf as of late. Not sure why, everything is going pretty well, generally.

I have a nice apartment. I have a job. I'm in school. I have the best husband in the world. Not sure what I have to complain about. But I was thinking about it lately, as I'm trying to get into my Mortuary Science program. I'm freakishly worried I won't make it in time for the 2015 class and I just don't want to be in school for the rest of my life - trying to do something everyone else seems to do so easily.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. It's always kinda been like this. I'm always behind the curve. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I could just go into the 2016 program, but then I'd want to do something in between. And I would really like to do EMT stuff. *I just want to make a difference. Saving a life? Just one life? That would make my life worth living.* Problem is, and it's something that's kept me from doing a lot of things, is my freaking anxiety.

I like to be in denial about how serious it is - "I'm just an inside person.", "I just don't get people, they're not like me.", "I'm tired." - but honestly, it's debilitating and somehow embarrassing. It's easy for me to be inside, but I can't even function normally. It's hard to hold a job. I get headaches after 3 hours of church! Conversations are a nightmare for me and it's really hard to speak when your throat is closing up, your heart is racing, and your mind is getting foggy. Why does that happen?

Anyway, I'm just tired of this holding me back from everything. I've taken clonazepam for it before, and it really worked, but there were just so many side-effects that I had to stop. But now I'm just thinking it's worth it. Maybe counselling could work, but maybe not. Maybe I'm just screwed no matter what. Either way, I just want to not be held back anymore.

Speaking of back, my kidneys have really been acting up this week. It's frightening. I don't know if I'll be able to work at all. So...what's the point? What is the point trying to have a decent, productive, normal life? If I take clonazepam in order to work, would my sacrifice be in vain because of my back? Would I then have to take narcotics too? This just seems unfair. Maybe that's why I'm mad.